“Words may lay heavy; but guilt is the heavier burden” – D.G. Kaye
I have just learned that my mother is on her way to the next world. I pray it’s a better place for her. I always knew my day of reckoning would come, but never anticipated the roller coaster of emotions that would come with it.
I thought by writing my book Conflicted Hearts, that it would help me digest my life with my mother, yet I am now confronting emotions that I was sure I had put into a perspective where I knew how to handle the situation when finality was approaching. I don’t.
In these moments I’m juggling and am somehow petrified. There is a lot to this process of unsettled death. A daunting process of putting my emotions in a place where they can live comfortably.
I wish we could have been friends.
I wish you could have been my mother.
I wish you weren’t so bitter and could have found your way out of your sorrow and depression, instead of hiding in a damaged ego, surrounding yourself from yourself and everyone else.
I wish you would have allowed yourself to be loved.
I wish I could have known what drove you to your sadness.
I wish all my years of trying to make you see happiness would have succeeded.
I wish you didn’t have to suffer.
I wish you peace.
Addendum: I wrote this post yesterday October 28th. Today is October 29th. My mother has passed. Please excuse my absence for the next few days while I will be out of my home, sitting “Shiva” at my brother’s house until next Monday as is the custom in my religion.
27 thoughts on “Guilt”
Having just recently lost Mother, I feel your grief, but without the sharp edges you describe. Right now I feel anger, one of the stages of grief Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes in her model of the process. Not anger towards my mother, but just a generalized feeling, which one day soon will pass.
The good thing is this: You are expressing your feelings and sharing them with others. You also know that you can express the other more positive emotion, love, in how you relate to others. Healing words in your books, too, continue to help others in their path toward a better life. Well, that’s three things!
Marian, thanks so much for your inspirational words. Everything you say is true. I write books to share my messages of healing and overcoming in the hopes that they can help others. Today my mother has passed. I am dealing with my own conflictions, not only for her loss, for our broken relationship and for trying to keep a broken family together for these next few days. God has handed me this task since I was small to be the peacekeeper. I am holding together because I’m the eldest and I must comfort my siblings now, but I have my own work cut out for me on this day of reckoning. ❤
I wish we/they didn’t have to suffer. Beautiful wish list, much about regret and loss. Except maybe peace and some kind of surrender to what was. I had a hard relationship with my mom. Not as hard as you, but distant and impersonal between my father’s death 1959 and the onset of Alzheimer’s around 1997. Although she suffered with dementia, I’m grateful she and I got a chance to make a heart connection in the end.
Thank you, Debby.
Thank you Elaine for always sharing your intimate and difficult stories. That is what we do as writers, especially as memoir writers. Yes, anyone who has read my book Conflicted Hearts will have some understanding that my mother’s death is not just one dimensional for me. We never made peace. She has passed today. It’s been a difficult day taking the lead with a broken family and tomorrow will be harder, the funeral. In my religion we are buried the next day. Everything happens so quickly before we seem to be able to exhale. Thanks so much Elaine. ❤
Debby, I wish you mindfulness and peace during these trying times.
Thank you Carol. My day of reckoning has come. My mother passed today. Many emotions and keeping the family together is my task at hand. I’m numb. It will catch me very soon. You can read my replies to Elaine and Marian as well. Thanks for your care and friendship. Especially in this time it means a lot to me to have my circle of writing friends who know only too well what it’s like to write on grief. ❤
My deepest and sincere sympathies, Debby. Today, I was cleaning out some old files and came across this in my father’s file when he died (2002). It’s from an unknown author and titled “Give What’s Left of Me Away.” Here’s the last line:
Love does not die.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
Give me away as best you can.
May your days ahead be filled with peace and kindness in your heart.
Carol thanks for touching my heart in this time of need for encouragement. You truly brought new tears to my eyes. xo ❤
So sorry for you and your family Debby. Big hug. Ralph xox ❤
Sweet Deb, Your poem is absolutely beautiful. You take your time and don’t worry about rushing back here. Sending you much love in this difficult time xx
impressive and emotional, Debby… ❤ RIP.
* * *
courage, strength and serenity… try to stay away from regrets and remorse, please, as we can't change, modify, improve anything in our past… we have to move on and ahead – to survive… take care and HHH = huge heartfelt hugs, Mélanie
Thank you for your kind words and inspiration Melanie. xo
My heart aches for you. Reading:
describes so much. Perhaps if you read it again, as if you were reading it for the first time, and not as the author, you might find some comfort? Just an idea. But I think that anyone in your position who found Conflicted Hearts on the shelf and decided to read it, might find genuine validation.
I mean, the name really says it all. And now more than ever, you need the affirmation that you were the best daughter possible. Your Daddy knew that. Now your mom will too.
May God wrap HIS arms around you and may you feel HIS comfort right this minute!
I love you my friend!
Ah, Diane, thanks for touching my heart and bringing more tears to my eyes. I hear every word you are saying and I had already begun writing the sequel to Conflicted Hearts a few months ago, knowing I would not be able to finish it until she passed. These past few days, filled with memories and many conversations have given me much to include in my sequel of closure. Although I am nowhere near feeling closure yet, I believe when I complete that book by next year, a lot more will be put into perspective, and a lot more truths will be revealed. Thank you for being such a sweet, supportive friend always. It’s a true blessing to have friends like you who can connect the dots to what I am going through. I love you too my sweet friend! ❤
I love you right back! You are so easy to love. One shining example of why you should not have one regret! Hold fast to that knowledge my friend.
Thank you my pillar in the moment! Ironically, I just came from your blogs. 🙂 ❤
Hugs Debbie… I love your Bucket list… May all your wishes come true.
What is life without lists? ❤
Sounds like you’ve taken wise lessons away from her life and passing.
Always learning my friend. Every day brings new lessons. 🙂
I can understand somewhat your emotions here Debby.. My mother and I did not speak for 10 years prior to her passing.. Her choice not mine.. a long story…Which is somewhere buried in my archives..
Guilt is an emotion I have long done battle with.. Learning to Let it go and heal from within is something we each learn to cope with using various healing methods through mind body and spirit..
Blessings your way..
It’s truly amazing Sue how many people we meet once we share our stories that unfortunately can relate to them. Guilt eats away at our soul. I am looking forward to reading some of your earlier posts.
Peace to you. 🙂
I will see if I can locate the story for you.. 🙂 and yes.. One of my life lessons this time around has been learning to let GO..
Oh my, that is what my mission is. I am so happy to meet you and look very forward to reading that article. 🙂
The best way I feel is for you to read My Awakening in which I posted links to further posts which outlined various parts of my Soul Journey in brief..
They should all open in a separate window.. 😀
And so nice you found me too 🙂
Thanks so much Sue. I look forward to reading! 🙂
Ooops sorry forgot to include the Link.. haha..