My book! My poor book is in a sorry state of a compilation of pages of handwritten stories with assorted temporary chapter headings labeled by slapped on post-it-notes.
I’ve been writing this book for the past year, and by far, it’s been the most challenging of all my books to write. With all that life has been dishing out to me in the past year, my 2 months away this winter, and health issues upon my return, I feel my book calling out to me, yet I have other pressing issues to contend with until I can go back and give it the attention it so desperately needs.
I’ve been so busy trying to keep up with reading blogs, and putting out blogs on events of my life, writing tips and reviews for some great books I’ve read, but I’ve neglected to talk about the subject of my next book.
Lately I tend to forget I’m a writer, but merely a person on auto pilot just doing the daily grind and the minimal appearances on my own blog and social media to try and keep things together until I can focus full time on my writing again.
I’m writing a sequel to my memoir, Conflicted Hearts. This is a book I knew I’d be writing one day, after my mother passed away. I left Conflicted Hearts open for much that wasn’t said because I felt held back about going deeper into issues in fear about my mother reading it. It took a lot of guts on my part to publish a book about my life ruled by a narcissistic mother who was still living.
I remember having the book ready to publish and sitting on it for a good month of worry about publishing it. If it weren’t for the urging of my siblings to get it out, I may not have summoned the courage to do so.
I knew I also had to experience my innermost feelings I’d go through after my mother’s passing to be able to write my truth, and assess and analyze what made my mother behave as she did. I wanted to interview family members, find an understanding, not only to share my story, but hopefully to help make sense of things for others who have lived with a narcissist parent.
I don’t write to condemn, nor avenge, but merely to find an understanding.
There are plenty of books and websites that deal specifically with narcissists, and because I read so much about it, I never felt compelled to talk about it more on my blog. Oh sure, I’ve been thinking about running some articles about narcissistic mothers, and being that I’m a victim of one of those mothers and write books about, I probably should be writing more about it here. But what spurred this thought in me was an article I came across on Emma’s Blog, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
Before I began reading the post, I found the images posted before the article on that blog captivating, particularly the last one which reminded me that many narcissistic parents become parents for their own self-serving reasons. If you read Conflicted Hearts, you’ll find that my mother had fully intended to get pregnant out of wedlock in order to snag my father into marrying her. And so I was born.
When I read the post, it hit home with me word for word. I had lived it all; every single trait related in that post, I had lived, except for just one: my mother didn’t demean me by calling me ugly or stupid – I attribute that to the fact that she never had the time of day for me, so name calling was insignificant.
There were plenty of significant points in the post I nodded my head in agreement with as I took in every word. Some that resonated with me significantly were:
- They pit one child against the other.
- When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.
- One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. - And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.
Below, you will read an intro to that post. Please click on ‘continue reading’ for the rest of the article.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You Are Not Alone
“When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time.
Many daughters don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is. . .” Continue Reading
Source: Narcissistic Mothers – Emmagc75’s Blog Original content from Linda Martinez-Lewi PH.D http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/you-scream-narcissist-accuses-you-of-losing-control/
Are you a victim of a narcissistic parent?
DGKaye©2016
DGKayewriter.com 
My mother is only somewhat narcissistic, but I’ve had a female “best friend” who is a total narcissist. I couldn’t imagine having her as a mother. She let through just some of what she was doing to her daughter, though probably she has no idea how horrible she’s being. I tried to write about her once – it’s really really tough to write about your experiences with a narcissist. So hard to describe, and so difficult to get past the guilt.
Have you read Michael McConaughey’s “The Mirror”? The link is on my site under the Goodreads widget. Excellent read.
Hang in there, Debby. *hugs*
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Hi Linda. Thanks so much for sharing here. And you’re so right, ‘it’s so hard to describe a narcissist, as every one of them are unique, despite the general characteristics. And the guilt is something I still have not made peace with.
Thanks so much for the book recommendation and sharing. I’m adding to my TBR. ❤ 🙂
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You have so much on your plate, Debby. Your story sounds compelling, and it seems ready to be told. I hope you will be able to carve out some time in the near future. Wishing you the best.
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Thanks Diana. I’ve already reset my self imposed deadline. Life issues take priority and I know what will ensue in the coming new month with my husband, God willing his healing will continue and he’ll come out of the hospital soon. I’ll be updating soon. I’ve resolved my new ‘get back to work on my book’ for May and I feel good knowing I have at least set a goal. 🙂
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❤
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So much of what you said here and quoted hit the mark as you know Debbie.. I guess I was the daughter who ” And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.”
Except she followed me when she divorced my Dad and then I fell for it all over again..
Wishing you well with the book.. Sending lots of thoughts your way.. and thank you for sharing the link..
Hugs Sue
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I knew this would resonate with you Sue, and those points highlighted were quite pertinent with me too. And don’t think you’re alone. I fell for it for 48 years! xoxo ❤
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Funny my sister and I were only talking on Monday about our Mother.. My sister had breast cancer aged 36, in the 90’s And my mother never went to see her or rang her.. When she felt strong enough my sister rang her.. my mother turned around and said her Name (I will say a fictitious name here ‘Jane’) My Mother said Jane who? … she didn’t want to know.. my young niece who was only 16 at the time rang her Grandmother straight back up and gave her what for about calling herself a mother and grandmother, as she has so upset my sister.. Sigh.. We thankfully can choose our friends.. ❤
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Wow Sue, that’s horrendous! Once again, we’ve lived so many parallel incidents with our mother. We’ve learned to be strong because in the times we could have really used one, we didn’t have one. Like you said, thankfully we have our friends, ‘the family we choose’. xoxo ❤
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Yes exactly Debbie.. Big Hugs your way xx
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❤
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I can’t wait for my daughter to get older and read about narcissistic mothers, thanks for sharing the link.
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Thanks so much for reading Gary. I hope this article and so many other wonderful books out there will help your daughter make light of these issues when she’s ready to understand. 🙂
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Even with the passing of my mother I have not written my experiences down. Part of it being that outsiders and even members of my family do not recognise or acknowledge the actuality of it. Perhaps one day I will be as brave as you. And I know that there are delays in getting your book out but as this blog post illustrates it is universal and very relevant.. Your book as your others will be highly valued.. love and hugs
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Thanks so much Sal for your sharing and encouragement. Life comes first. I’ll get back to it May and I’m excited about this book, although a difficult one to write because I know it will be helpful to others who’ve lived with a narcissist themselves.
No doubt you will write about your mother when your instincts give you permission to do so. And I will be first in line.
PS. I haven’t checked mail in days. I’ll email you tonight. ❤
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This post was an eye opener for me. No, I didn’t have a narcissistic mother fortunately, however I do see these traits in a couple of family members and now I can put a name to it.
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It is an eye opener for many Bev, that’s why I write about it. It’s amazing to find that such people exist right under our noses sometime.
Thanks for visiting and commenting. 🙂
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I know what you mean about the writing. It’s much harder than most people realize. Maybe someday before I am 80 I will get quicker and more efficient with words flowing like a stream fed by an abundant spring. Not this week or next, though.
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You would know this well John. We can’t force creativity. Eventually, and thankfully, it always comes back. 🙂
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Debby, your book will be done, all in good time. Don’t sweat it, you’ve been pretty busy lately and as you know, some things take precedence. What I know for sure is this: You’ll finish the book and it will be compelling and poignant read, just as Conflicted Hearts was. Don’t make yourself crazy with a timeline. Good things come to those who wait. (Even those who are forced into waiting!)
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Thanks for the inspiration Deb. I’ve come to accept that I probably won’t get back to it until May now. But you know, as writers, we have to set self imposed deadlines in order for us to move forward. When life gets in the way, we just have to reset our priorities and move on from there. The best we can do. And thanks for the encouragement. ❤
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Anytime you need support, I’m happy to lend a hand. You do it for so many people, it’s Karma that all should come back to you and then some!
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Deb, thank you so much for your kindness. I’m usually one doing the ‘helping out’, so not used to asking for it. So I deeply grateful. And who knows, I may take you up on it when in need. Thanks again. And oh yes, I’m a firm believer in Karma and the universe. Just waiting for the black cloud to dissipate away from me, lol. xo 🙂
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Yeah, it’s past time for sun to shine on you, my friend. Here’s hoping…
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Thanks Deb. No sunshine yet, but at least it’s not raining. 🙂
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Well, that’s something!
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🙂
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I got a kick out of the picture with all the post-it notes. That sounds like something I’d do.
Hang in there Debby. I know from experience how hard it is to explain someone’s irrational behavior (and there’s always *somebody* expecting you to explain/justify that behavior). Then one day it came to me — You can’t put a rational explanation to irrational acts.
Love & hugs. 🙂
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Well said Teag. Thanks for adding your always welcome insight. xoxo Hugs!
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I’m definitely a victim of a narcissistic mother. Only it took years for my siblings and I to learn this fact. The words that resonated with you also did with me, especially the line that says that it feels like screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Growing up I felt like that a lot. I didn’t realize we had so much in common.
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Wow Vashti, I didn’t realize we did either. And thanks for sharing that here.
I too didn’t realize about my mother’s narcissism until I was well into my teens. When we are raised a certain way, we know no other way so we accept things as ‘normal’.
I write about it because I feel it’s important to share for the so many who’ve gone through what you and I have, most of the time unknowingly. 🙂
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Remember “Stockholm syndrome”… If adults can be manipulated and brainwashed — these people had us as small children. How much easier to manipulate a small child to whom you have access every day. Of course we didn’t see what they really were. How could we? (Yes, I know first hand too.) Though in more severe cases, you’d think some adults would be willing to see what was happening, and intercede. But that didn’t happen…
Onward now. Good thoughts. Mega hugs Vashti and Debby. 🙂
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Thanks Teag for your comment. And absolutely Stockholm syndrome in reverse. Only when we’re children, we know only what we’re taught. It can take years to realize that behaviour is not normal.
You mentioned that some adults should notice what’s going on, but as you know, many people turn a blind eye to avoid conflict. And I’m sorry to learn that you know first hand. Kindred spirits attract Teag. No wonder we connected. ❤ Mega hugs back my friend. xo 🙂
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The mother/daughter relationship is often a very rocky one, even when it is “healthy.” I too am currently writing on this topic (though not that of a narcissistic mother but a mother as drug addict). In both cases, they are often emotionally absent.
And, like you, it has been and continues to be a challenge that requires us to journey deep. I can see though how yours can be even more of a challenge as it is a memoir whilst mine is fiction (and yet I find it so difficult so I can only imagine the challenge you face).
I also can empathize with you on keeping up with blogs. Just when I think I’m relatively up to date more come in. It seems like I can never stay afloat!
But, as you say, we mustn’t forget that we are writers and we need to nourish that part of ourselves.
From your photo notes looks like you’ve got a lot of material to work with. I for one, would love to read more about your writing. I’ve always loved your voice!
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Wow Carol, you comments always have a way of encouraging me. We’ve both travelled roads of hardship in our lives and even though your newest book is fiction, I’m sure it’s as difficult to write on that subject. It still takes from the soul.
I can’t push myself when life calls, nor can I beat myself up for lost time. We have to move forward. In my head I’ve already accepted I probably won’t be able to get back to my book until May sometime, and as long as I have a new self-imposed deadline, I feel good about having the goal. ❤
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Hi Debby, don’t worry too much about the book. I’ve had one on the go (and it’s my first) since 2012! You’ve so much going on at the moment and health is the most important to focus on. Please take good care of yourselves and I’m praying that the test results for hubby are nothing but good news.
Sending lots of hugs to you both.
xx
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Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It means a lot. xoxo
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Well, the piles of notes and paper and insanity that bury you come w/ the job. =) And that is admirable of you to seek to understand your mother as you have. Many of the puzzle pieces can be found in her own upbringing, I’m sure.
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That is absolutely true Diana. This is definitely a psychological journey. 🙂
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There’s a lot here. It feels thick with thought.
First, I understand the pressure to be socially online present, yet needing that time to be a writer. I go through bouts when I visit blogs and social media more than I write, and I feel unbalanced. I’ve felt the guilt, but it passes after time. It will for you too, so don’t feel guilty that you want to spend time writing your book. Just do it, and we’ll be here.
The lovely thing about online circles is we are here whether you don’t blog for a week or a month or a year. There have been rough times in life that I didn’t blog for several months. And the first blog back, I was hesitant, but here I am. Time sews those long spans into small fragments of the past that become smaller the more distance put between them and now.
As for waiting to write the book until your mom passes; I understand. There are some things I can’t write about until certain people no longer walk amongst us.
You have a lot of courage for writing and publishing the first book while your mom was still living. I can’t imagine it was an easy task. But you did it. You should be proud of yourself.
I did not grow up with a narcissistic mother, but our family was far from perfect. I look at the hardships as the source of some of my strength.
I wish you the best, and I hope you are able to dedicate a few hours of each day to your current project.
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Thanks so much Di for the encouragement about keeping up and writing.
I know what you mean about feeling unbalanced between social media, keeping up and our writing. I think most of us writers feel that pressure. That’s why it’s so important that we have such a wonderful community to consort with. I remember your last blogging break, as well as many other’s taking a time out. Life happens, and we all go through something at some time or other. But you came back, and your readers, like me, were there when you were ready. No matter, we all feel that pressure, even on a break. We wonder if everything we built will have to start over. We must need to learn to chill more and have faith; just what I’m trying to do.
I know we all carry some demons from the past; everyone with their own situation. And I wholeheartedly agree with you, what didn’t kill us, indeed makes us stronger.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here and words of encouragement. It really helps. ❤
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That is a fear we all have I think: will we have to rebuild from the start if we are away for too long?
But I think we don’t; we never will. We may not start off as ‘popular’ as we were when we left, but there will be folks that will reconnect the instant they know we are back. I know I do that for others who have taken breaks.
And I whole-heartedly agree: what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.
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Good to know we think along the same lines. The trick is learning to let go of the obsession with trying to control everything and be everywhere at once and put some faith in what will be, will be.
And on a funny note, every time I talk about what makes us stronger, I think about a facebook post that circulated: ‘If I were any stronger, I could lift a 500 pound park bench.’ LOL 🙂
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Blimey, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for u. I must read your book asap. The thought of the damage it must have done. My mum was loving. But I had a bunch of other crap to deal with. Guess we all have our cross to bear
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I’m always happy to hear about good mother and daughter relationships. It’s sad to know that there are so many like me who missed that.
I’m lucky. What didn’t kill me made me stronger. 🙂 And we sure do all have our own crosses.:)
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