Today I’m sharing my October monthly column I write for Sally Cronin’s Blog Magazine at her Smorgasbord Invitation. This month’s edition of my Realms of Relationships is about jealous and envy and how it potentially leads to #Narcissism.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships -October 2020 -Envy, Jealousy, Bullying – A Path to Narcissism?
Envy, Jealousy, Bullying – A Path to Narcissism?
There’s nothing good about the green-eyed monster, envy. Envy is a side-effect for some who harbor resentments and suffer a feeling of lacking. And for many, this syndrome can lead to narcissism—created from the root of the bad seed of envy that nurtures itself, manifesting into desire and creating a must need to, out-do, outlast, outshine and all the other ‘outs,’ better than anyone else in their circles and beyond, to compensate for the envy and attention others receive, with a desperate want to be showered with adulation and praise to feel superior.
The distinction between envy and jealousy is: Envy is a reaction to lack of something others have which you desire. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something, or usually someone, to another cause or person.
But where does this envious or jealous behavior evolve from? What are the seeds that spawn such behavior?
I’m familiar with the envy and the jealousy syndrome, so I can speak confidently from experience. My mother was a champion at both. I knew my mother better than I ever let her know me. I also know her beginnings in life were defining reasons for the contributing factors aiding in the creating of both bugs in her character, and the eventuality of her narcissism.
People don’t just behave a certain way out of thin air. Behaviors are learned from studying or being a part of other’s behavior and then adopting those same behaviors. Bad behavior and anger grow from resentments, neglect, hurt, and lacking, which can result into rage-filled anger episodes that can ultimately become a long-term side effect in behavioral patterns as resentments pile and fester. These frenzied fits become an assault on the narcissist’s victim’s self-esteem over long-term.
An emotionally neglected child who is berated, ridiculed, or ignored by a narcissistic parent, may feel vulnerable and sometimes insignificant, as their own declining self-esteem gets chipped away at. Without proper nurturing and attention, these children grow up with a lack of confidence, and can possibly begin to harbor their own grievances for other’s accomplishments. This is a perpetual unhealthy existence for a child.
Those harbored feelings of inadequacy can lead them to follow suit and become bullies themselves. Bullies aren’t born, just as racists aren’t born, they’re bred. We are born pure. It’s the outside influences that help feed us as we develop that help shape our values and preferences. These acquired negative traits can derive from both the home and outside influences. There are a multitude of things that can contribute to the reasons for someone becoming a bully. And the usual reason for a bully’s actions will come down to one of these: they’ve been hurt, jealousy, or anger. And often, if these traits aren’t dealt with, they have a propensity to become a precursor to narcissism.
Bullies have been hurt. They’ve been ridiculed and made to feel inadequate at some point, so in retaliation, they project by placing their frustrations on others. Often, the name-calling by a bully is a transference onto someone else because of what someone has laid on them, or, what they imagined was laid on them. Bullies feel outdone and unencouraged, they project back on to someone weaker because they’re reminded of what they themselves are lacking in and want someone else to feel their pain. Whether in school where they’re made to feel stupid by peers, or even a bad teacher, or home where they may be teased and ridiculed and neglected, they don’t want to be reminded about what they are missing out on, be it good grades, a shiny bike, and as they age, a job, a family, a vacation, lavish gifts – they are frustrated they don’t have something others do, either emotionally and/or materialistically.
The narcissism develops and begins with visions of seeking to attain something to compensate for what they lack in. Narcissists require praise like we need oxygen. They have a need to be admired for their actions and possessions. Compliments and kudos are their fuel to validate they are no longer lacking. These are components to how narcissism grows.
A narc is an oxymoron – like two people in one. Two selfs – fraudulent, and dreamer. The dreamer self is what keeps them focused on their fraudulent motives and goals to attain superiority, often presenting a social side of their nature in public, evoking their fraudulent self of grandiosity, authority and dominance, while deep inside, they know who they really are, which perpetuates the persona of their fraudulent self.
Narcs must maintain their personas and egos daily. It is in fact, a lot of work for narcs to keep up the show, but a necessary defense mechanism for their ego to survive and thrive. What must go on in their minds? Pathological narcs are delusional about imagining things that never happened and twisting events that have actually happened, into a converted version that fits their narrative better. Pathological narcs are the most dangerous of all relationships. They imagine things – slights and accomplishments that don’t exist, and they believe them. The dangers presented can be anything from threats, guilt trips, blackmail, lies, excuses, and they are notorious for gaslighting anyone who threatens their bubble of superiority.
Narcissistic parents are my familiar territory, as I grew up with a narcissistic mother.
Most of the damage from a narc parent begins in early development of their children, which, in itself, can contribute to becoming the catalyst for narcissism to be inherited if not checked. But not always, because it will depend on the emotional state of each individual child. Damage can lead to symptoms of withdrawal into oneself, creating a low self-esteem, becoming a people pleaser, and later, as mentioned earlier, can potentially manifest into bullying and/or narcissism transferred to their victims. The condition(s) will grow as the narc’s defenses escalate … continue reading at Smorgasbord
©DGKaye2020
DGKayewriter.com 
Thanks for boosting the post Debby… excellent as always..hugsx ♥
LikeLike
My pleasure Sal ❤ xoxo
LikeLike
How fascinating and informative!
LikeLike
Thank you Claire 🙂 xx
LikeLike
Some great insights here, DG. I can recognize the starts of someone we all know. Thankfully for me, I haven’t had familial issues like the ones you describe. On the other hand, as a kid, I certainly had my share of encounters with bullies. A couple bosses like that too—but unlike on the schoolground, they don’t beat employees up–they just berate, demote or fire them.
LikeLike
So true John, and you better believe that ‘someone we all know’ had same beginnings as what I describe. Like I said, those emotionally neglected will wind up one of two ways – one who recognizes the scenario and does something to better themself or become a bully and potentially a narc in retaliation.
LikeLike
I have read a lot about bullies and the like, and I believe sometimes people can turn to bullying to try and make up for being bullied themselves, but I think there are always some who turn to bullying through feelings of inadequacy or do try and deter others from picking on them for the same reason.
This can I guess go hand in hand with narcicism, where someone feels they aren’t popular because they are different and begn to regard themselves as better than others.
It’s a dangerous condition, or can be, especially if someone with those traits finds a way to manipulate people into believing that they are better. It can create a vicious cycle.
Scary stuff!
LikeLike
Hi Tony. Thanks for visiting and leaving your comment. Absolutely your scenarios play out as well. And like you said, either way it can create a vicious cycle, especially when that young person experiencing bullying or a narc parent and has no one better to guide them.:)
LikeLike
I’ll be honest. I’d never heard the word narcissistic until I watched “Iron Man” many years ago, and he had put a handsome face to it. The more I learn about it, the more I see various ranges of narcissim in those around me. Some only hint at it, others shout it from the roof top. I fear the future will hold many more who suffer from this as parents become too busy to nuture children properly, are too caught up in technology and world events and who were raised by narcissistic parents themselves.
LikeLike
I’m afraid you are right Diane. Hence, good to have discussions to create awareness. 🙂 x
LikeLike
As always your post is so well written and informative and personal, which makes it that much more interesting for us your readers. It’s rather amazing that a child brought up with narcissistic parents or family members can become a loving giving kind person. I think part of that proves that we are born into our own souls and try our best to stay true to our inner being. Hopefully that is not too naïve of me to say.
LikeLike
Thank you so much Pam. It was a lot of work, and not everyone is willing to put in the work, and some others just continue from what they know. I believe we are born into our souls 🙂 x
LikeLike
It’s that delusional pathology that is so dangerous and frightening, Debby – that pure all-out determination to do whatever is necessary to maintain the illusion, which to the narcissist feels like life or annihilation. We’re living through it in the US. Trump would never have been able function in normal society without his money. It’s horrifying.
Great post.
LikeLike
It can potentially be very dangerous Diana. And yes, sadly, tRump is a perfect example! 😦 😦 xx
LikeLike
A very insightful post, Debby, as usual. I’ve worked with people who had the diagnosis as part of their mental health difficulties, but in most cases, it was one of many problems. Even in cases where they had a diagnosis of major mental illness (bipolar disorder or schizophrenia), it would be one of the aspects that would make the treatment really challenging. And there were some I would definitely have easily imagined making a career in politics if only circumstances had been different. Take care.
LikeLike
Thanks for chiming in with your medical experience Olga. I would imagine bi-polarism and related mental illnesses would make the diagnosis more confusing for a narcissist. And yes, there are plenty narcs in politics! Thanks and stay safe. Seems Corona is whipping up a new storm around the globe 😦 xx
LikeLike
Sad to say, a perfect description of the issues with the guy in the White House. Combine all narcissim and envy with power hunger and a gullible public that enjoys aggression, and a person might even bring down a whole country. Whew! I’m glad you went for consciousness and understanding instead.
LikeLike
Hi Elaine. Sadly, you are right on the mark, and not the only one mentioning the ego maniac in your Whitehouse. This post wasn’t written about him, but sadly, he fits all the criteria. 🙂
LikeLike
A child having to become an expert on destructive behavior in order to survive is a tragedy. You’re a shining example, Deb, of adversity spawning strength and insight. I’ve had my share of emotional blackmail and being called a know-it-all. But we’ve met the challenge and have become creative compassionate survivors. I imagine writing this post was somewhat therapeutic. I’m sure it will benefit many. ❤️
LikeLike
Thank you Tina for adding to the conversation. Yes, I know, we are both warrior women when it comes to enduring and escaping the toxicity. Writing about these issues is always therapeutic, and the end goal is hoping my writing will educate others.
Nice to see you pop back into blogland! ❤ ❤
LikeLike
This is a wonderful post, Debby. So honest and informative.
LikeLike
Thanks very much Norah 🙂
LikeLike
Your descriptions sound a lot like a certain President… Hopping over to Sally’s to read the rest of this interesting and fascinating post!
LikeLike
Thanks Liesbet, sadly, your president does fit in to the descriptions perfectly 😦
LikeLike
Fascinating article, Debby! I’m heading over to Sally’s to continue reading it. 😀 xo
LikeLike
Thanks so much Vashti for your interest ❤
LikeLike