Today I’m sharing my recent article for my Realms of Relationship series at Sally Cronin’s Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – The topic is People Pleasers.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships -November 2020 – People Pleasers. Do you know one? Are you one?
Realms of Relationships: People Pleasers. Do you know one? Are you one?
People Pleasers are those who live perpetually by appeasing others—despite whether they’re happy doing so. And sadly, for some, the practice often becomes a programmable setting after so much time passes. People pleasing goes beyond the act of being kind, it means one who always puts the wants and needs of someone ahead of their own even when there’s no joy in it.
Let’s clarify. I’m not talking about something we may do with joy in our hearts for a loved one.
I’m referring to those who’ve somehow made themselves feel obligated to the point they’re taken for granted. So where do we draw the line with our urge to please others, to stop it from becoming a damaging regular occurrence to the point we become a doormat? And what is it that makes us so afraid to disappoint to the point we can’t say no? Mostly, these urges to be so accommodating have a lot to do with acceptance issues, low self-esteem, loneliness, and the possibilities are endless, because we worry we’ll be judged or unloved, unliked, ignored—you get the picture.
Let’s stop pretending, where does it get us? It gets us in a place we aren’t happy being, and it’s being inauthentic to ourselves. If we constantly agree to people’s whims and demands, putting others before our own needs, we need to learn how to draw a line for self-preservation.
Why do some of us feel compelled to bite our tongues while trying to avoid saying how we really feel about someone who takes advantage of our good nature? Why do some of us repeatedly get sucked into people’s drama, leaving us with a constant need to appease?
Think about it, if we aren’t comfortable around someone or have to walk on eggshells when in their presence, WHY ARE WE THERE?
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How much courage do we need before we’re propelled to remove ourselves from situations that aren’t healthy or enriching, or maybe not even interesting to us? Okay, sure, there are just some things in life we must endure even if we don’t enjoy doing them, like having to go to the dentist or any other matter we must attend to, but that is a different conversation. I’m talking about repeatedly subjecting ourselves to things or people we don’t wish to serve, or going to places we don’t want to be, because it’s not productive for us or the other party when we do things without putting our hearts into them. Feigning interest isn’t fun and will eventually take its toll whether that be in the form of depression, anxiety, unease, boredom, and that’s not even counting our loss of happiness time.
But one thing is certain in life, we have free will. So why do we stay somewhere we’re uncomfortable staying, or go somewhere we don’t want to go, or do things for people who impose on us? We allow ego to take over our heart’s desire.
It’s one thing to feign we’re having fun when we’re not, but going somewhere we don’t want to be just to show good faith, respect, or whatever the endgame may be for going, is essentially accommodating someone else’s needs and inconveniencing ourselves. We need time to take a pause and assess. . .please continue reading at Sally’s Smorgasbord.
©DGKaye2020
DGKayewriter.com 
That was a fantastic article, Debby. I love your comment asking if we have to walk on eggshells, why are we there? Toni x
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Thanks Toni. But sadly, many of us have experienced this. ❤
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I was raised to be a people pleaser, lol. Sometimes it sucks, because I’m not good at confrontations. x
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I know the gruel Stevie, and yes, still, I avoid confrontation like the ‘plague’, lol ❤
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Religion has a lot to answer for in my case. Christened by a Catholic Canon (not to be confused with cannon…) I was TAKEN to church and given a few books to read when quite young which set me on my ‘goody-two-shoes’
path. With an over-worked conscience and commitment not to iie, I found life a bit difficult. BUT World War 11 intervened and I was sent to live in Wales. Another religion: Chapel: “If you sIn it’s HELL for YOU!” As the years rolled by, I realized that adults were brain-washing me. Eureka! Fear the weapon. And, although I later embraced the Jewish faith, which I respect, I am now a Humanist. I still haven’t answered the question…Yes, I was for many years, and still am – to a certain extent, BUT, while I help where I can, I’m not a push-over! Peace and Love. Joy xx
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You are a joy, Joy. Thanks you for adding to the conversation. What you said, in no way surprises me. It’s events in one’s life that tests us and shows our colors. You were young yet, knew you were being brainwashed. Instincts are sharp my friend! ❤ xx
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I did some soul-searching when I saw your title today, Debby. Because I have tendencies to people please, I wondered if I’m included in this group. But then I read, “those who’ve somehow made themselves feel obligated to the point they’re taken for granted.”
With my family – and in the blog world, mostly – I’m aware of boundaries. It’s a character strength to resist the “taken for granted” part. I have to work on that with a writing group I have just joined. Rest assured, it’s not any you are associated with, dear Debby! 🙂
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Lol Marian, but yes, you are right, it’s a character strength to resist – something many of us have or had to work on. Like I said, there’s a difference between helping someone, and being taken advantage of. ❤
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Thanks for boosting the post Debby… certainly had many soul searching. Another great column. ♥
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Thank you so much again Sal ❤ ❤
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Nope, not me. 🙂 Good info for those who might slip into this.
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Lol, good to hear John 🙂
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I was a terrible people-pleaser as a younger person, Debby. I couldn’t say “no”… ever. And they couldn’t or didn’t follow through. I so much wanted to be liked that I often made poor choices. Thank goodness that is a part of history now. Great post!
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Thanks for sharing your vulnerable moments Diana. It’s unfortunate that so many of us have and still do fall into these traps. But awareness is half the battle and you’ve learned from it. That’s a major accomplishment. ❤
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I have always done as you suggest so I can attest to its success. Lots of lousy relationships out there but I just needed one. Found it!
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Thank you for sharing the proof in the pudding Jacqui. So glad you found the right path 🙂
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A great post, Debby. It’s something some of us must keep working hard at. Thanks for the advice. Keep well.
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Thanks so much Olga. And yes, it is always an ongoing process. ❤
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Never! I’ve always wondered how people become people pleasers…Now I know much depends on upbringing! I know I could have antagonized many but just couldn’t get into the shoes of those who win just by pleasing others. I know it is an art that has to be nurtured but it doesn’t interest me! 🙂
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So glad to hear that Balroop. I truly believe it’s absolutely nurtured behavior. 🙂
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Hey Debby! I posted a comment over on Sally’s blog. Copying here, too …
Wonderful post, Debby! As I’ve gotten older I’m less of a people pleaser. It’s as if, with each year of aging, another f*** falls away! Hahaha!! However, I am a work in progress. These days, I’m a people pleaser until I’m not a people pleaser. I know my boundaries, and will put my foot down when I’ve had enough. Hugs to you! xoxo
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Hi Camilla! Thanks so much for stopping by and hopping over to Sally’s to continue reading. Yes, exactly how it’s been for me. As we age we assess and weed out – or we should. Sometimes, there’s no way around a situation but to ‘kiss an ass’ – but that’s okay, as long as we know it’s for the good of a mission. Hugs! ❤ xxx
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I will go over and read the whole article, Deb. I used to be a people pleaser. Growing up and well into my late 30’s, I couldn’t bear to let someone down. I finally set boundaries and stopped catering to everyone else’s needs (except my children who were young then). Boy, did I upset some people and those were exactly the ones who were taking advantage of my good nature. They took it personally instead of being supportive when I had to withdraw and stop going to every single function. Life Lessons. It’s great that you write about these topics, Deb. It will help many in the middle of the shit.
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Thank you so much Lis. This is exactly why I pick such topics and always include my own experiences. You are so right, many times when we summon the nerve to walk away from the ‘vampires’ who suck the life out of us, they spin it around and make us feel like the bad one. I’m glad you have mastered the art of ‘I don’t give a shit’, LOL Hugs xox
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