Grief Diaries – Dimes from Heaven. So, Where are You? – Grave Decorating

Dimes from Heaven, So where are you already?

 

I heard when you find dimes, your lost loved one is around. I came across three while cleaning out our large rented condo to move to a smaller one. And then, nothing.

 

Moving sucked whatever life I had left in me – to the bone. It wasn’t enough I lost you and my heart and soul were broken, but I’m physically broken from the new record breaking most horrendous move I’ve ever endured; and you know we had plenty of horrors with our many moves together – not to mention, I had you, my strong, handsome handyman to do the grueling things and heavy lifting, and to hang a million things I asked of you. You never denied me. We were so good together.

I’m reading many books about how people get through this most painful heart-wrenching time in life and survive from not dying from a broken heart. It always makes me think of my dad when I’m in my deepest moments of a new wave of grief; I always said he died of a broken heart because my mother crushed him so many times. I can feel how this could happen.

I just need to start feeling your presence, like I can sometimes when I feel my dad and aunt around. I know their signals when they are around. I need to sense your presence and have a visit to help calm my fears. I need to know you’re okay, you know, like the story I told you many times, about the one and only time I went to visit my dad in heaven and saw his light and spoke with him? I’m waiting for that time again with you.

In the meantime, after visiting your grave two weeks ago, I Couldn’t Find You?

I promised myself when I got this place sorted after the big bad move, I was going to come visit our grave. I hesitated a few times because I felt the need to be close to you here. Even though I ‘think’ you are around me, but no concrete evidence to appease me yet, I felt I needed to visit your grave to see if I felt closer to you there. It was a beautiful sunny day and I hadn’t been out in many, and my (our) new apartment is a bit too dreary for me, which adds to the grief I live daily. But I digress, so I was feeling like I had to test my feelings I get when ‘I think’ you are around at home, to see how I will feel at the cemetery being physically closer to you – Only I Couldn’t Find You.

Omg, I took in some beautiful warm sunshine as I walked around the graves and looked for that beautiful big tree that was kind of a landmark, but everything looked so different without snow. And many more graves and headstones have been added.

I walked around and called out to you loud and clear, “Puppy, where are you?” And I didn’t feel a thing, and just wasn’t sure exactly where you were since they laid the grass and there’s no marker. I was sure then that your presence is felt more in our home than at the cemetery.

I got back in the car and drove around to the office. The woman seemed warm when she asked if she could help me, and I told her I can’t find my husband – our grave. I waited while she went to check out ‘our’ neighbors on file so I could find you and handed me a paper with a few names in our row. And I found you!

The grass hasn’t fully mended yet. All the things left there from last time were gone. Before grass was laid, the grave was a pile of dirt with all the flowers and ribbons from your coffin piled on top. It’s a barren looking grave at the moment. I assessed and made a list of what to buy to ‘spruce’ up the area and remind others that there is someone under the grass.

I wanted something symbolic to leave there as a marker until the headstone is made, which apparently takes 4 months to make and that will be perfect. I want to make you a big unveiling when this damn Covid thing is over and done with – or, at least, under control because I want the many people who would have been at your funeral to be there this time. So no rush. If things are calmed down by end of year I’ll arrange it then. If not, it can wait til April, your one year. And I will be arranging it all on my own, for that is how I live now, on my own.

I got back in the car to drive home and turned back on the radio when I started the car. I hadn’t listened to it on the way down because I was on speaker phone with my friend Alison during the drive. Well, on came Johnny Cash – one of your all-time favorites. Mysteriously, the station was tuned into the 50s channel, which you know I alwayssssssss made you change because I don’t like that era of music. We’d compromise, I’d give up my 70s channel and you’d give up the 50s and we’d listen to the 60s together in the car. So what was up with that? I never turn the 50s on in my car! That was you, I know. 🌺

Update: I gathered some beautiful rocks, ordered paint markers and sealant and made my own decorations for you. I placed a small planter of baby roses, a plaque, several loving rocks and butterfly stakes around the grave. I couldn’t have you lying there incognito with no name and no recognition, so as usual, I fixed up your spot.

Graveside design

 

©DGKaye2021

 

47 thoughts on “Grief Diaries – Dimes from Heaven. So, Where are You? – Grave Decorating

  1. Have you ever visited a spiritualist medium, Debby? One I visited gave me certain proof that my aunt was watching over me. I’m sure you could gain much comfort this way. x

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  2. Dear Debby,

    The saddest thing of all is…whatever I write and whatever words tempt my tongue,
    , there are none that will suffice to pour soothing oil on your heart. Everything will sound trite to your ears until they are ready to receive them. I lost my baby brother when he was but fifty and went completely numb for a while….and after a dear friend who had a horrendous death, and – the worst of all – as I loved her so much, my darling mother who was everything to me. I had a nervous breakdown after that and wouldn’t wish that on anyone.BUT and it is a big but…I emerged, with all three firmly entrenched in my heart, where they will remain until I fall off my own perch!! The trouble is, Debs, we are all human – fortunately with feeling hearts – don’t forget some are like concrete…and, although it must now hurt like hell that your husband is no longer with you in the flesh, you can relive the happy times. Keep as busy as you are able to, and remember your husband wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. One thing which might help, recall that old saying about being happy to have been loved and to have loved, than never to be loved at all. You were blessed. Take good care. Love Joy xxx

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    1. Joy, thank you for sharing a painful piece of your own heart with us. Of course your words all hit home and are all so succinct. I love your words of encouragement, and funny you mentioned – having loved better than no love at all, was the decision I rolled on when my husband asked me to marry him while concerned about the age difference. I chose love. ❤ ❤ xx

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  3. A lovely post Debby and I can only imagine your feeling of panic when you couldn’t find your joint plot.. thank goodness you have created such lovely stones to personalise the grave until the headstone is completed and to leave there as a remembrance of all that you shared…♥♥

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  4. I love it that the radio was “somehow” on the 50’s station, playing one of George’s favorite songs. Until that moment, your post broke my heart, Debby. So relatable and yet there’s nothing to say that will take away the pain. I hope you get little messages or a sense of presence, and that you continue to “know” that the universe is mysterious and full of love for you. ❤ ❤

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    1. So true Diana. The universe is a giant mystery, and every once in awhile, it reminds by throwing a signal my way. I need that and always looking for more of those moments. Thank you for your kind words. ❤ xx

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  5. You probably were never so glad to hear Johnny Cash, Debbie. I would definitely take that as a sign from your husband. I hope there’s many more to come, and you know that he is with you and watching over you.

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  6. it’s not easy finding someone’s grave at a cemetery; glad you were able to do so.

    and at least you and your husband had three good eras of music to pick from, the 50s, 60s, and 70s…

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  7. Your improvised marker is lovely, Debby. I am glad you did that to mark your joint plot. I imagine that our souls need time to adjust to the changeover from this life to the next one. After the transitional period, you will both be better able to sense the others presence.

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  8. Oh my God! This post is beautiful and heartbreaking. Losing the love of your life is devastating enough, adding a move to that is too much. Your husband is definitely with you. Please stay strong, my friend❣️ I absolutely loved the grave decorations. That plaque is so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. Sending you love, peace, and positive vibes. 💋💋💋

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  9. Hi Debbie,

    I had never heard the one about the dimes. Someone recently said if you see a red bird (like a Cardinal) that is your loved one visiting. I’ve had that happen. I’ve also heard that if you start dreaming of them, they are communicating to you that they are okay. It was over a year before I started dreaming of him.

    I too, even now, hope to feel Anthony’s presence. I haven’t had the experience except for the first few weeks. My thought is they have successfully crossed over and are content. It is my belief that we will be reunited, but nothing like what it was like here.

    Stay strong and allow yourself to grieve.
    HUGS
    Chuck

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    1. Hi Chuck. Thanks for dropping by and leaving your encouraging positive message. I’ve had ‘little signs’ but I would love to have some good dreams. From all the books I’m reading, I’m learning it takes time once they crossover while they are getting ‘oriented’, it may take a few months for some to show up. HUgs xox

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  10. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Debby. How strange that the radio in your car was tuned into the 1950s music channel. It really does make you take a step back and wonder.
    I’m so pleased you get comfort from the presence of those who have travelled on to the next stage of their lives. You’re being looked after not just by people in this world but by those of the next.
    Sending you hugs.
    xx

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  11. My lovely unicorn buddy, your remembrance created at your joint lot is so loving. Roses for love. I do believe it takes time to orientate in the spirit world and after years of loving encouragement from your G, the silence must be unbearable as you navigate all these massive changes. I hold you in my heart, as I know all your tribe do. Your idea to gather everyone together when you can is a wonderful one. I love you and am sending love to you every day, my buddy. ❤ xXxx ❤ ❤

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    1. Thank you so much my Lovely, for always keeping me in your thoughts, and always sending light my way. It means more than you know. I love you my unicorn buddy. ❤ xoxo ❤ 🦄🦄

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  12. Oh, Debby. This was so heartbreaking. I’m glad the Johnny Cash song came on, as that was a sign for sure. When the time is right there will be more signs. He will never totally leave you, but then you know that. Sending lots of love and hugs.

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  13. What a wonderful post! So sorry I missed it when it came out; didn’t get a notification and it’s a long story about my own absence from WP.com. Some good insights and sensible plans given the times and your situation.

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  14. Oh, Debby, I love that you address this to your husband. It makes it somuch more intimate. I hope that you find lots of dimes and that 50’s chanel well, it could only be your husband winking at you. ❤

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    1. I definitely took the music as a sign Carol. And about the writing, you know, I’ve probably written half a book already in my journaling through this journey. All writings are addressed to my husband, exactly how I will write the book. ❤ xx

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  15. That was quite mysterious for 50s music to come on when you got back in the car. It really did seem like your husband was there with you, and he wanted to make sure you got home safe that day. Sometimes people show up when we least expect it. I am sure your husband will be hanging around and surprising you every now and then 🙂 Hope you have settled in to the smaller condo and all is well. Take care 💕

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    1. Hi Mabel. Thank you. Yes, I do believe my husband is around in mysterious ways. I just want more evidence. 🙂 And thanks, I’m finally getting settled. Hugs ❤

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  16. I’m swallowing hard again as I keep reading your journey through this most painful period of your life, Debby. Please, keep writing these letters to your puppy as it will bring you some comfort and it helps us understand you and feel connected to you both. I love the beautiful decorations on the grave. You make everything and everyone you touch special and loved. ❤

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    1. Aw, you are so kind my friend. And thank you so much for your encouragement to keep sharing my heart. I probably half a book already in journal entries. You can be sure there will be more to come, I just pace myself so as not to inundate my readers. Thank you for your big heart ❤

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  17. A beautiful memorial to your husband, Debby. From what you say about him, I’m not surprised he wouldn’t want to be at the cemetery, and he’d ride with you and listen to music. I’m sure he’s keeping a close eye on you. Stay well.

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