This month’s Realms of Relationships column is about going ‘No Contact’. Sometimes in life we’re faced with becoming stuck in unhealthy relationships and that can mean anything from enduring an abuser or narcissist, but it can also relate to any unhealthy relationship we allow with someone in our life who demeans us, belittles, demands of us, or shows no interest or compassion for us, yet remain a part of our lives.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – October 2021 – No Contact – The Breaking Point
No Contact – The Breaking Point
I write a lot here about difficult relationships, the challenges about them, the symptoms, and I share my experience and my resolutions about handling some of these conflicts. In this issue, I’m going to talk about the No Contact rule.
This method is usually a last resort to ending a relationship after several other remedies have been applied without success.
When we have struggled with people who hurt, ignore, or harm us, either mentally or physically, and there is no solution left for handling these people, other than continuing to put up with them or creating distance from them wherever we can, sometimes all we can do is go full-blown No Contact. Yes, you can read 100 books on psychology about these issues, but when we reach the last end of the rope where we can no longer endure a toxic relationship, this may become the only option we’re left with to seek peace.
So, what is no contact exactly?
No Contact means taking a firm stance to remove ourselves from another person’s life or situation. It can often be a difficult process, especially when feelings of guilt intervene, but this is sometimes necessary to bring back sanity and peace. And despite our decision to go through with the process, it can still be difficult. And sometimes, despite our decision to break free, we may still get swept back into that person’s drama. Friend or family, sometimes we just have to let go to save ourselves. No Contact means the relationship is over. This is a self-protective measure we should take when a relationship isn’t just not fulfilling us, but becomes bad for our mental health. It’s a measure that will often entail grieving the loss of that relationship despite our choosing to sever ties with that person.
So what is the process for No Contact?
First, we should set our internal boundaries. Once we decide to go No Contact, we must stop filling our minds with the situation and playing the hurt hits over and over in our heads. If we’re at this point in a relationship, it’s time to stop thinking about them, the hurt, the words, the guilt and the pain they’ve caused us, and think about ourselves. When we’ve exhausted every avenue of trying to discuss and fix, and they either don’t see the problem or aren’t interested in repairing anything, it may be time to banish them. Going No Contact is not only a physical action, but a mental one too.
Going No Contact means: no phoning, no texting, no engagement on social media or otherwise, no talking, no partaking in events around them. It means staying strong when confronted by those we’ve walked away from and remembering the many reasons why we chose to delete that person from our lives. The object is to remove our presence from their life.
Like any loss in life, we may well go through some of the grieving stages, similar to how we do when we lose a loved one. During this process, we may experience mixed emotions such as: I’m a bad person for doing this, I don’t want to make bad blood, I don’t want people to be angry at me. I know this ritual through my own experience. I lived it when I finally had to use it with my mother. And since my husband’s passing, I’ve realized a lot about the people who’ve been a part of my life with ‘new eyes’. One thing I know from experience is that a deep loss of a loved one will forever change you.
What can help when we’re weighing the scales about a certain relationship is to write out our feelings. Make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship in question. Look at the good parts and the painful parts. If the painful parts far outweigh the good and you’ve already given the relationship many chances with the same outcome, it may be time to consider this method.
Toxic people are manipulative people. They have an inherent knack for knowing how to overpower others. It’s important not to allow these people to define us by manipulating us into feeling obligation or guilt when we attempt to distance ourselves mentally and physically from that person. Going No Contact is often akin to abstaining from a harmful substance like drugs or booze. And just like going through any detox program, we will undoubtedly go through some withdrawal symptoms after removing a person from our lives. And yes, second thoughts, guilt, and remembering some of the better times, may all pop into our heads during the cleansing, but the idea is to remain strong in our resolution for a greater good. In essence, creating No Contact is self-love and for self- preservation. . . Please continue reading at Sally’s Smorgasbord
Original Source: Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – October 2021 – No Contact – The Breaking Point | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine
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DGKayewriter.com 
Sometimes, as you found out, no contact is the only solution for your own personal happiness. x
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Sadly, it is the truth x
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Thanks for boosting the column Debby it resonated with many ♥
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Thanks again Sal. I was a bit concerned about the subject, but it is real life for many. ❤
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Fortunately for me, I’ve not had to go that route myself. On the other hand, I have been the one put on a no contact list–from a few years ago up to and including now. Hoping that changes; it’s a relative.
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Wow, I’m sorry to hear that John. It can be so frustrating when trying to communicate with someone and they are dismissive. I don’t know your situation, but maybe you’re better off?
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In our old neighborhood, a wife got a court-ordered “no-contact” status for her husband. They apparently worked things out because she allowed him back into her family’s life again.
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Wow, that sounds worse than the usual restraining order.
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This was a fantastic article, Debby, and such superb advice. It’s so essential to for us to safeguard our own mental health and not allow allow others to hurt us. Toni
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Thank you Toni. It is so important but nobody said it was easy. ❤
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There’s so much truth and good advice in this article, Debby. Thank you.
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Thank you Norah. ❤
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I love the use of that term in this situation: banish.
In over five decades of living, I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve also learned that where I put my focus is where I put my energy. In other words, if I am thinking of that person or that event, my energy goes there into reliving it and keeping it alive, which inturn drags me down. Once I stop thinking about it and start thinking about me and the life I what for me, the relationship/event goes where it’s supposed to go: to the myst of the past. It’s still there but without my energy,, it’s on life support and it doesn’t control my life.
I wish I had known all this stuff in my 20s. May your wisdom reach those who need it.
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Thanks so much Diane. I’m sorry you too were a victim. But it seems you have the right perspective and a good handle on it. After 50 years putting up with myself, I know of what your speak. 🙂
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Hi Debby – anyone in this sort of situation is under a lot of stress – so certainly not easy to deal with – but taking the ‘no contact’ route is necessary sometimes. It’s the kind of article some people need to read – I just consider myself fortunate to be able to cope … an important post to have available. Stay safe – cheers Hilary
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Thank you Hilary. I agree, this post isn’t for everyone, but nonetheless informative. Hugs ❤
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When I first started the article, I thought it was going to be relationships during COVID–no contact. Not at all–such an important step you’ve discussed here.
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Thank you Jacqui. I hope it helps some to know they aren’t alone. 🙂
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This was such a great post, Deb. You have given excellent advice. As I said on Sally’s blog, you and I are “kindred scapegoats” 😛 I made a video on this topic as well. It’s up on youtube. I’m sorry you have suffered and are still suffering from your family’s indifference and neglect.
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Thanks so much Lis for reading. I know well how this resonated with you. I will for sure check out your Youtube video. What’s your link? Love the term – Kindred Scapegoats. ❤ xx
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Thanks, Deb. Here is the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0au2AgOEvow
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Thanks bunches Lis! ❤
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HI Debby, I can see the sense in this article and I think it can apply to situations other than people like toxic work circumstances.
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Hi Robbie. You are correct. Absolutely can be applied to toxic circumstances. ❤
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A fabulous post, Debby, and one I’m sure will help many of us. I know you are quite busy at the moment, and you incorporate your advice into your books, but perhaps, at some point, a book collecting these pieces of advice… It would be a great resource. Or a podcast… Or both! Stay safe and take care!
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Hi Olga. Thanks for your kudos. Funny you should say. I have ideas about playing around with podcasts and yes, incorporating topics of the articles I write for Sally’s blog. Thanks for the lift! Hugs and take care you! ❤ xx
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Thank you Debbie for your in depth take on going no contact. I appreciate how you suggest trying other avenues first. I also know personally and professionally, no matter what you say or do, it can not repair a broken relationship. Letting go is difficult and there is a grieving process involved. With these toxic connections, there is an element of addiction involved. It is true when you relate this to a detox or giving up a hramful substance because the same principles apply. Excellent writing!!
Many Blessings to you
Lisa xoxo
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Hi Lisa. Thanks so much for visiting and leaving your own stamp on this topic. We both know No Contact is not easy. Nobody who has done it, I’m sure would agree, especially if one has an ounce of compassion. Indeed, doubly hard for empaths. And yes, almost impossible to repair, specifically, because we’re dealing with narcissists who don’t ever think they’ve done anything wrong. Hugs ❤ xx
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Your’re absolutely right, Deb. Toxic and abusive relationships can become addictions, and breaking them instills a sense of loss. This is a great post from which many will benefit. Sharing widely ❤️
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Hi T! Thanks bunches for reading here and hopping over to Sal’s blog. I appreciate your comment, as I know well you know of what you speak. ❤ ❤
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A heavy piece, Debby. And double so for the author, as you’re reliving all those experiences, decisions, and emotions when writing about them. I wonder if your mom ever “noticed” or reacted a certain way to your No Contact. I realize, you wouldn’t know first hand, because, you know, no contact. But, maybe your aunt shared how this final break with her affected your mother. Or, just like in the case of your in-law family, she might not have cared. Narcissists will never take it personally or blame themselves for anything.
I’m fortunate to not have been in toxic relationships. That being said, when a good friend in Belgium shared/shares her experiences with her parents – who mistreated her greatly, favor the men in the family, and pretty much disinherited her – it truly pains me. This has been going on for years and she is tired of fighting back. She has been using the No Contact method, but it is hard because of her three children and the fact that she feels her children deserve to know their grandparents. It’s tough!
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Wow,Liesbet, thanks for sharing that about your friend. You are going much deeper here with the No Contact affecting others in the family. It’s a shakey situation for sure. But I will tell you, my sister went No Contact with my mother years before I did. She has three kids and all of them still kept in touch with our mother. Just because she wasn’t talking to our mother didn’t mean her kids were restricted. But each individual situation will be unique. Regarding my mother, my whole life I had tried with her to face her faults, but in typical Narc form her reply was always, “I was a great mother. What could I possibly have done wrong?” A broken record. She was a more bitter person as she aged because she hated what her life had become. She cursed her children to my aunt. So I already knew the answer to your question. ❤
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😦
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