How Am I Doing? Too Much Solitude isn’t Healthy – #Procrastination and #Grief

It was a year April 7th that I lost the love of my life, my husband, Puppy. And today is his birthday. I’ve been busy painting new rocks to place around his gravestone for his birthday visit. And went over to the garden center to pick up a lovely spring planter.

The sun’s rays were shining brightly in this photo

This past year has been one of The most difficult time of my life. Many days I find myself not coming to grips with anything. When you love deeply, you will grieve deeply. I am on my own way too much it seems and I know with certainty getting away for the winter was my saving grace, being around people – company, always someone to talk to.

Most of my days are spent reading, researching various things from the spiritual to online grief groups, and writing. It may seem I haven’t published anything for quite some time, but the writing has been plentiful and has given me much material to work with from my journaling and the many poems I have written. My procrastination, because of my newly acquired short attention span hasn’t permitted me to do anything concrete with any of it yet, but I’m slowly working on that as I struggle through each day with what feels like a never-ending grief who is my constant companion. I know though, that one day soon I will have much of my writing to share. My grief doesn’t just pop up randomly, but walks with me every minute of the day. Some days I can deflect it off ’till later’ and some days it just gets the best of me. So I continue to live in my mantra of ‘One Day at a Time.”

In my moments of distraction, I find myself running to Youtube listening to angel messages, Mediums, poets, from inspirational things to talks on the afterlife. I’ve been watching a lot of Youtube videos, getting lost in the 70s and 80s lately too. I can listen to that music because it takes me back to some of my most happiest times – the times before I met my husband, so those songs couldn’t set off yet another fresh round of grief. Somedays I find myself having to do anything to distract myself from doing anything productive as my grief is a staunch companion. I find myself always trying to gauge my emotions and watch where my mind goes. If I feel the need to abandon doing something constructive (like writing and getting back to edits so I can publish I book I wrote two years ago), when the weight of my grief reminds its presence, I need to do that in that moment. This is my coping mechanism taking over, and I must listen.

If my soul craves the need to jump over to Youtube to watch a video on the Afterlife, or a music video to take me back to a happier time, I do it. I’m alone much of the time and I thank goodness I’m resourceful because let me tell you, I loved living on my own when I was younger. I had the time of my life in those days with a very active social life. But this time ’round, both the calendar and the couch are equally empty.

I’m okay with music prior to knowing my Puppy, but not yet ready for hearing ‘our’ songs. I passed on the Luther Vandross video – So Amazing, that popped up on the playlist, the one I walked down the aisle to when we married.

I’m getting acquainted with, but not quite used to living alone. Being single in grief at a certain age is nothing like being single in my 20s and 30s, especially when you’re still trying to digest being in the digit ‘six’ club. If I didn’t have my writing to keep me sane, who knows where I’d be. Writing is my sanity, as it seems to have been my ‘go to’ since I was a child. I feel like I’m in a new learning phase of my life where I allow myself to follow my whims instead of putting them on the back burner for tomorrows – those tomorrows that sometimes never come.

But I’m always writing. I probably have enough writing for three new books. The only thing I haven’t yet got back to is my desire to do something with my words. So in the meantime, I keep writing. And I’m actually considering putting some of my writing in podcast that will eventually become part of the book on grief that I’ve been journaling about. The universe will guide me when the time is right. My heart is far from ready yet to reread the thousands of words I have written in these past two years.

My circles in life are considerably smaller. I am grateful for the friends in my life, especially those who’ve ‘stayed’. And equally grateful for my online writing friends here who keep check on me and keep me motivated, informed and entertained. I feel as though I haven’t found a direction yet, so I remain coasting along to whatever the days ask of me without putting pressure on myself. Grief is a strange animal that takes hold of me in a moment’s notice. It distracts, it chokes, it hinders, and somedays it’s just emotionally crippling for me, and it works on its own schedule. Too much alone time is not healthy for a griever. I am trying to work on that too.

I will finish off by saying that procrastination is a well known thing for writers as we often will look for a distraction when the muse isn’t fulfilling. But sometimes, in other aspects of life, procrastination is the very thing that soothes our insanity, and a diversion is just what the doctor ordered.

Happy Birthday to my Heavenly Husband 🧡💔💘

Last of the diehard Toronto Maple Leaf fans – who may just make it this year!

Mexican memories

Love of my life

©DGKaye2022

92 thoughts on “How Am I Doing? Too Much Solitude isn’t Healthy – #Procrastination and #Grief

  1. Oh, Debby, I wish I had words for you, but of course, I don’t. No one does or will. I can assure you that although the constant companion of grief will never leave, it will get quieter and less intrusive. I started writing a book to help grieving women reenter life alone, and put it aside. Maybe it was just therapy for me at the time, or maybe someday I’ll publish it. But I feel like there are plenty of books already out there, so what would mine do for anyone? That is the question I ask me. The bottom line is that it’s a process of reinventing yourself at this stage of life alone. It took me several years and lots of trial and error, but I kept trying (still do). Sending you light and love and Angel hugs! Happy Heavenly Birthday to your handsome husband.

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    1. Jan, thank you so much for your words of encouragement and sharing of your own grief journey. I’m soon off to visit for our intimate birthday party, I just would like to say in regards to your statement about writing a book on grief – from what I have learned through reading MANY books on the topic, there aren’t enough. When I say that it’s because many books are written like guides, telling what we will go through, steps, etc. I can tell you from my experience, those books did not soothe the soul. The books that touched are the ones where people who have actually worn the shoes talk about their journies, their coping/survival, and stories that touch the heart that I could say, ‘yup, yup, that’s it, that’s how it feels – kind of thing’ Just like a memoir where our stories touch other hearts relatably. My book will not be a how to survive grief book but the rawness and grit of grief. It sounds to me like your book would be helpful to many. Don’t under-estimate the power of self. In my opinion, there are not enough good books on grief. And thank you for your big heart. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. For me, it’s the difference between a book about grief and one that walks that path. I’m sure both yourself and Jan have lots to say that’s valid and relatable. Hugs 💕🙂

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      2. Thanks for adding that Harmony. Just what I said to Jan because people need to relate. They need to gravitate to what their hearts need in that time, not ‘how to’. That’s why I know my book will eventually touch many as I know Jan’s book would do the same. We are writers from the heart. ❤

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  2. As long as you know we are all thinking of you. Wish I could be there to give you a hug and take you out for a drink and a chat. I’m glad you are writing and sharing your thoughts on your blog. Virtual hugs are flying your way. xo

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    1. Thank you so very much Darlene. I would love nothing more than to be living closer to my writing friends and be able to run out for a drink and hug together. We will do that when I get to Spain. Thank you. ❤ xx

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  3. You’re doing wonderfully, my friend. And I agree wholeheartedly… sometimes procrastination is exactly what our hearts and souls need. While grief has stages, for sure it remains an individual and unique experience at the same time. You keep doing what works for you. The pictures are lovley, Debby. Sending love and hugs 💗💗💗🙂

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  4. So sad to hear, Debby. You have my sincere respect doing all the right things you clearly do. I guess your husband would be proud of you right now. Others in the same boat might be lost to sanity. Stay strong as you can and all the very best from England. Regards, Mike aka TOF

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    1. Thank you so much Mike for popping by and leaving your heartfelt thoughts. I appreciate that. The key is really to stay sane – hard enough in an already world of insanity. Thank you my friend. ❤

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  5. Grief is one emotion that can never be suppressed Deb… I learnt this lesson in the prime of my adolescence. Only when we accept it, embrace it and conduct a meaningful dialogue with it does it become our friend. Acceptance is not a sign of weakness. It strengthens us mentally and emotionally. It is good that you are writing about it and sharing it – the best way to deal with it. Big hugs dear friend.

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    1. Thanks so much Balroop for imparting some of your wisdom here. And I agree, suppressing grief is like carrying around a land mine. Perhaps that’s why I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m riding the wave of grief big time and not intimidated to show my heart. Thank you so much my friend. ❤

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  6. Read this with Tears dear Debby.. Such a great tribute to your dear hubby, who I am sure speaks to you in many of those lyrics of yesteryear as those memories surface as you allow this grieving process to unfold..
    Time as they say is a great healer and it will take time to adjust to find your footing again and your direction. ..
    So keep following those urges of distraction and solace in delving into your comfort blankets into what soothes your soul Debby.. For whatever road you are meant to travel in future years, know you will be guided and your true Love will be watching and encouraging you every step along the way ..
    Loved your photo Shares…
    Sending LOVE dear friend ❤

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    1. Sue, your tears brought me new tears. Thank you my dear friend for your always words of wisdom and comfort. I will keep them tucked under my hat for when those dark moments encroach. Thank you so much for your heart. ❤ xoxo

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  7. The words can never equal your feelings, but as others have said, we are there, and we know you will find your way. And yes, I’m also sure your book on grief will help and touch many others. Thanks for sharing your moments and your life with us, Debby. Hugs.

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  8. I am joining others who love you, reading your words with a crush of grief in my heart. You are doing all the right things: traveling, journaling, and grieving. Even procrastinating is on the “approved” list.” Please don’t be hard on yourself for not publishing. It’s not time yet. Things in your mind and heart need to marinate and settle.

    Hugs to you. I can’t truly imagine what it feels like to experience the presence of absence, but I do care. Very much! ((( )))

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  9. This is such a touching post, Debby. You describe the grieving process so deeply and elegantly and I admire your strength and honesty. I have no doubt that when the time is right your writing and pain will transform into a gift for you to share. Here’s Rumi’s inspiring poem:
    ttps://www.mindfulnessassociation.net/words-of-wonder/the-guest-house-rumi/
    I hope it brings you comfort. xxx

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  10. I am sure your time with ‘G’ today brought many more tears but also wonderful memories of the time you had that was unique to you as a couple, filled with love and adventures. The photographs of you both during your last two visits together to Mexico always make me smile and rarely have a I seen seen a man look so content with life. You made him feel extremely loved and cared for, and whilst there is grief, it is because you loved with all your heart but you made a wonderful difference to his life and that is so special. The grief will never leave you but you have many years ahead of you and ‘G’ would want you to see the joy in those years and to share your love with others.. as you do with us all. ♥♥

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    1. Sally, thank you so much for this Kleenex moment. And thank you for being with me and checking up on me through this journey of hell. Yes, I was the love of his life and he never let me forget it. No, the grief will NEVER leave me, I just look forward to the day comes when it no longer suffocates me. I planted flowers, repainted stones, brought a blanket and John Roedel’s newest book and read him some poetry there. The sun was beaming and it was a beautiful visit. Thank you my dear friend. ❤ ❤

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  11. What else can you do except what your heart tells you to do? You are doing everything just exactly the way you need to, whether it’s writing or crying or procrastinating or journaling or watching YouTube videos or researching the afterlife or anything else. Grief is the heart’s way of reminding us how deeply we love and how lucky we are to experience that kind of love. I know your hubby is watching over you and walking beside you through this part of your journey. I believe he waits for you on the other side, and that as long as you walk this earth, he wants your burden to be light. Lots of love to you.

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    1. Thank you so much for your words Amy. I’ve always been so regimented to my to do list and and learning to just go with flow has been the new directive it seems. I hope my husband can soon begin lessening this burden one day soon, taking the weight off, and just carried in my heart. Thank you my friend. Hugs to you ❤

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  12. A beautiful, poignant, and heart-tugging reflection, Debby. Thank you for sharing your journey through and with sorrow. Some of us are preparing for that walk, and you’ve offered a pathway and graced us with resolve. Thank you for offering a part of yourself today in such a profound way. 💗🤗💗

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    1. Thank you so much Gwen. This grief business is a demanding thing. I hope one day my words I will share will help others on this emotional journey of uncertainty. Thanks again for your beautiful words. ❤ xx

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  13. My heart is still aching for you, dear Debby. Your motto “one day at a time” is the one that works. You are learning to deal with grief – she is your companion and, unfortunately, still in charge. It’s good to not fight it, but, like you said, distractions are good! I hope the summer will bring you more companionship and fun times.

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    1. Thank you my lovely friend. I love your summation, grief is in charge and it’s all about finding best ways to dance with and around it. Thank you for you good wishes too. I do hope to enjoy the summer and have happier things to report. Hugs to you. ❤ xx

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  14. I cannot add to anything that has already been said…but the sun shone on “G’s” birthday and I’m sure he was with you in the sun’s rays as you shared special memories…Hugs ❤

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    1. Thanks so much Carol. The sun did shine as we had our special time for his birthday. The sky looked full of angels, I repainted my love rocks as I sat on a blanket I brought with, and read some poetry. It was good for my soul. Thank you my lovely friend. Hugs ❤ xx

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  15. Deb … my sister, my friend … I wish I could physically hug you right now. My love for you, dear one, radiates across the miles and has just entered your door. I know you feel it …
    I see such love in George’s eyes and tolerance in his stance. How fortunate you found each other. I’m glad you’re allowing spirit to direct you in your daily activities. Whenever I find myself at sea, spirit will point the way. All I have to do is follow, without judgment, even if it’s eating popcorn and binge-watching a favorite program. What we sometimes forget is that in those moments of self-indulgence, healing occurs. It can’t be measured or put into words, but it accrues over time, until the day we feel a noticeable difference. That day will come for you, Deb. Personally I feel it’s an honor to grieve, a tribute to the one we held so dear.
    Happy Birthday, dear George. Your earthly cub honors you with every breath she takes ❤️❤️

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    1. Dear T, your words have touched my heart deeply. So much that I did feel your hugs entering my door. You know my heart and a lot about my George and of course you have pegged him perfectly. And yes, it is my greatest honor to grieve the love of my life nobody matter the pain because like I said, the more we love the more we will grieve. And your last sentence is truth. Love to you my dear sweet Sister and friend. ❤ xox

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  16. I’m so sorry for the grief that you were going through. I’m sure you also have the memories that make you laugh out loud. I wish you all the love, peace and warmth to help you through these trying times. I do hope you are doing better today 🙂

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    1. Thanks for your kind words Damyanti. Oh yes, thousands of wonderful memories that I hope to get back to looking back on and enjoying soon. Grief has a way of keeping the dark stuff in focus and it can be a struggle sometimes to think of the good times. But I am working on it daily. Thanks again my lovely friend. ❤

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  17. I won’t even pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I read your experiences avidly, knowing the day will come when I must do what you’re doing. I don’t mind being alone–often prefer it–but I wonder if that includes in grief? I am so happy you are writing and sharing again, Deb.

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    1. Thanks so much Jacqui. Grief is something that is hard to define, different for each person and its essence only understood by another who has walked it. Being alone, which I always enjoyed my alone time, is a different animal than being alone in grief. One thing that is said by all, it changes us, and that’s a fact. And thanks again, it will soon be time for some great sharings. ❤

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  18. Your words brought tears to my eyes, Debby. I really wish I had magical words that could help you, but I’m drawing a blank. All I can offer (what you’ve heard before) is the stages of grief are definitely individual, so just do what you know works best. The fact that you’re writing down your thoughts and feelings is wonderful, and that journaling is keeping you afloat. I’m sending virtual hugs your way, and while grief remains your constant companion, I know those precious memories with your husband do the same. Sending love, Lauren ❤️

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    1. Thank you so much Lauren. Your words hit a sweet spot. Sometimes there just aren’t any words, and sometimes they spill from the soul. I think it’s part of the journey of the waves of grief. Thank you and hugs back. ❤

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  19. Dear Debby, I am glad that you are writing and getting your thoughts down. Such a terrible loss, a dear much loved spouse. And being alone again must be so hard. I am the kind of person who needs company, and really don’t like being alone, so I feel for you. I hope you take some comfort from dear friends in the writing community. Keeping busy both mentally and physically surely must be one way of coping to a degree. As always, sending love and hugs. Marje x

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words Marje. I am ever grateful for the wonderful friends here just like you. Hugs back to you. ❤ xx

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  20. I’m so sad to read about this, Debby – it has been such a terrible loss for you. I do hope you found some comfort on your beloved husband’s birthday. Sending you loving hugs, Toni x

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  21. I agree sis, a distraction from grief is a very important thing. You and I know you never “get over it”, but it changes just as the seasons change. Sending you so much love and understanding. ❤

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  22. Hi Debby, I am so sorry that you are so alone. That gives you so much time to think and sometimes it is easier not to think to much. It will get easier and I understand that your writing is cathartic. Keep moving forward, it is the only thing you can do and keep reminding yourself that you have a right to feel as you do and you also have a right to be happy when you can as that is what your husband would want for you.

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  23. Grief is such a lonely road dear Debby. While at the same time being a constant companion. May his memory be a blessing and may you find ways to see him in all that is around you- the love of your friends, the light at sunrise and sunset, a bird a butterfly a bee. 🦋💔🦋

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  24. Dear Debby – I do feel for you … but also hope you can find an easy way back, never ever forgetting – and spending time where you feel comfortable … take care and with thoughts – all the best – Hilary

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  25. It is truly understandable Deb. When someone we love so passionately passes, a piece of us goes with them. It’s the loneliest journey a woman will take. Even close memories tear away part of our heart and soul. I only hope through the myriad of comments you’ve received, you’ll see how much you are loved. Allow that to wrap you like a security blanket that warms your heart until you can stand on your own, ❤

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  26. Your hubby was a handsome man, Debby! And your tribute to him is touching. The love (and grief) you feel for him is almost touchable. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that grief with your online community. The pouring of love in these comments goes to show you that sharing grief will surround you with love and comfort. I add my support to this group and send you virtual hugs for those moments when you need it. XOXO 🙂

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  27. Can’t say I’ve been there and done that in quite the same sense but nonetheless I somehow feel a level of empathy for your struggles. My experiences come from a different set of circumstances but sometimes have similar effects.

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  28. Writing also kept me sane after my husband of twenty-two years died. It still does. I wrote a grief memoir I’m trying to get published and even started a blog on being gay and grieving @ https://gayandgrieving.blog. Unlike you, I couldn’t live alone after Michael died. Still haven’t. Hugs and thanks so much for sharing, Charles

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    1. Thank you so much for visiting Charles. I just visited your blog and started following. You write beautifully from the heart. And I applaud your bravery to take steps forward. I’m so not ready yet. Yes, writing has been a savior. And I too have a grief memoir in rough draft through this journey.
      Thank you again for sharing some of yourself here. ❤

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