Sunday Book Review – Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Welcome to my Sunday Book Review. Today I’m reviewing a poignant book, written from her own experience with grief and loss, as well as shared interviews with some of her bereavement clients, by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore.

As many of you know, I’ve read a number of books on grief – from the clinical to the afterlife, and one thing I can say about this book is that it stands out from others because it talks about all aspects and changes of life we go through when grief strikes – not just the expected things. Dr. Cacciatore has ‘worn the shoes’. One other thing I’d like to note about this book is that I would highly recommend everyone to read this book. Why? Because everyone in the world will have to experience it in their lifetimes, and for those who haven’t yet, this book gives amazing insights. It’s also a good book for those who know or love a griever and don’t know how to act around them or what to say. It distinctly states what us grievers need in our new life path from those in our lives.

Blurb:

If you love, you will grieve—and nothing is more mysteriously central to becoming fully human. 

Dr. Cacciatore is featured in the 2021 documentary series The Me You Can’t See, from Oprah, Prince Harry, and Apple TV.

Bearing the Unbearable is a Foreword INDIES Award-Winner — Gold Medal for Self-Help.
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When a loved one dies, the pain of loss can feel unbearable—especially in the case of a traumatizing death that leaves us shouting, “NO!” with every fiber of our body. The process of grieving can feel wild and nonlinear—and often lasts for much longer than other people, the nonbereaved, tell us it should.

Organized into fifty-two short chapters, Bearing the Unbearable is a companion for life’s most difficult times, revealing how grief can open our hearts to connection, compassion, and the very essence of our shared humanity. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore—bereavement educator, researcher, Zen priest, and leading counselor in the field—accompanies us along the heartbreaking path of love, loss, and grief. Through moving stories of her encounters with grief over decades of supporting individuals, families, and communities—as well as her own experience with loss—Cacciatore opens a space to process, integrate, and deeply honor our grief.

Not just for the bereaved, Bearing the Unbearable will be required reading for grief counselors, therapists and social workers, clergy of all varieties, educators, academics, and medical professionals. Organized into fifty-two accessible and stand-alone chapters, this book is also perfect for being read aloud in support groups.

My 5 Star Review:

Before I go into my review of this book, I will simply state, as a griever myself, that this book is one of the best books I’ve read on grief because it isn’t a clinical diagnosis book, it isn’t a guide on how to get through grief, but a tender telling of all the emotions a griever will experience throughout the rest of their lives, the triggers, and most of all, also beneficial to anyone who has ever known a griever and is lost for words or knowing how to act around someone who is grieving.

The book begins with a prologue of the author giving us a snapshot of her own grief story. She shares some of the questions all grievers ask and wonders how the world can continue on when her world was left empty – a common thread between all grievers. The author tells us she hopes for other grievers to feel they are in a safe place for us to be with our broken hearts. She warns that this book isn’t instruction on how to get over grief, but how to learn to live with the undeniable ebbs and flows and triggers of grief that will remain a part of our lives, for the rest of our lives. She talks about grievers needing others to reach out to us, and just how to do it by telling of her own experiences, and that of others she has consoled.

Dr. Cacciatore speaks of how death will affect every single person one day in their own individual way. The more we love, the more we will grieve. She also delves into how grief is manifested and what the shock of a traumatic death can leave on us – sometimes and often, leading to depression and/or PTSD, the repercussions of the shocking experience of losing a loved one, and how that often leads to running to substances to numb our pain. The good doctor touches on all the various types of trauma and grief from losing a loved one, a child, a parent, a spouse, etc., covering the gamut of what each of these relationships lost leave the living loved one to endure and the various habits and personality characteristics that are altered in the wake of, including the physical ailments many of us experience in light of grief, of which, many can become life threatening – especially when self-care desire disappears.

Most importantly to me, the author speaks of those in our circles who tend to abandon us in our hours of need because they don’t know what we need, and fears of talking about our lost loved ones causing more pain, explaining quite the opposite, how us grievers aren’t looking for solutions, only an ear to hear us speak of our great loss with a compassionate heart. “…But please just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure, or a pill, or a word, or a potion. Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me. Please be gentle with me. Please self, be gentle with me too. I will not ever ‘get over it’ so please don’t urge me down that path.”

“Traumatic death provokes traumatic grief.” Truest words. The author gets into the body’s reactions to grief, comparing a diagnosis or a death edict having that ‘fight or flight’ feeling within us setting off in perceived physchological threat within. Only, the fight or flight feeling never really leaves. She goes into the despair the griever learns to live within. “This is grief’s most piercing message: there is no way around-the only way is through”. As she states, those who don’t deal with their grief and won’t allow themselves to feel, are only suppressing their grief, tells us it will eventually manifest in unexpected ways. The doctor warns that suppressing grief is responsible for so many addictions, abuse and social disconnection.

We learn about how some people’s cry for help – or, the lack of those cries, can often lead to that griever taking their own life. She warns that grief always has a place at the table. Talking about grief is necessary and should never be stifled. The distractions we use for ourselves as grievers is also discussed as our everlasting unquenchable yearning for our lost loved ones never goes away.

Another poignant discussion in this book delves into the loss of a child and how that sometimes leads parents to unintentionally neglect their living children while focusing on the loss of another. We also learn how crying is a natural valve to relieve stress and explains the biochemical essense of grief tears and their differentiation to other tears.

In this book there is a dedicated chapter to grievers on how to tell our friends and family what we need from them in our hours of grief. Letting them know our triggers, asking for our acceptance when we aren’t up to a family gathering, a cry for help, and more. She offers up solutions like, writing a note to family letting them know our needs and reassuring them to not hold back conversations of our lost loved one because that is one of the most needed conversation many grievers crave, is talking about our lost loved one.

Time is linear with grief, sometimes minutes feel like years, years feel like minutes. The author tells us how easily a grief moment will steal our breath. “It is both feared enemy and beloved companion who never leaves.” Reminding, we won’t stop grieving until we stop loving. “Those we love deeply who have died are part of our identity; they are a part of our biography. We feel that love in the marrow of our bones.”

The author offers writing to a lost loved one as a great therapy. Read it and weep as she explains these tears of release are good for the soul. She also talks about making a memory box we can revisit to soothe our souls in memory.

All different types of grief are covered in this book, from the ones we carry for our lost one to the kind where we blame ourselves for. You will find stories here that demonstrate things that can happen for those who withhold their grief.

I loved her analogy of grief ‘ it’s a big bowl of grief broth’, describing how just one more ingredient can overpower us with overwhelming grief.

Poignant Quotes:

“No intervention and no interventionist can ‘cure’ our grief. And we are not broken-we are brokenhearted.”

“Grief is not a medical disorder to be cured.

Grief is not spiritual crisis to be resolved.

Grief is not a social woe to be addressed.

Grief is, simply, a matter of the heart-to be felt.”

“When we cannot hold in our arms our loved ones who’ve died, we hold them in our hearts. This is being with grief.”

“When you’re feeling tired of our sadness, just remember that we are supremely more tired of their dead-ness.”

“Losing our beloved brings a pain unlike any other-and this pain is- legitimately ours. Being with grief is terrifyingly painful, yet when we live our grief honestly, it has the mysterious power to deepen the meaning of our lives. This is the gift-curse of grief.”

Whoever survives the test must tell his story. ~ Elie Wiesel

©DGKaye2022

62 thoughts on “Sunday Book Review – Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

  1. A heartfelt review Debby. As with nearly all experiences we are blessed with during our lifetimes, there is no manual for grief as you say. We are unique in all ways including our processing of all emotional elements of our lives. As you say grief will always be a part of that life and is unfortunately the price we pay for loving… ♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Debby – this sounds a very interesting book to read … and I’d like to review it, as all knowledge is so helpful, perhaps especially when grief has not yet hit … nothing like being fore-warned is fore-armed, even with an overview. Thank you – all the best … Hilary

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Hilary. Thanks so much. Yes, that was my point. This book is a good insight for preparations, not only for those already in the abyss of grief. I hope you get to read it. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Olga. I know not everyone is interested in reading on the subject. But like Hilary mentioned here – forewarned is forearmed. Death is invevitable for everyone someday. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. And… everyone goes through grief differently, to say nothing of the different kinds of grief— like when a loved one abandons you when they are still alive. I’ve lost friends who I still grieve over… including pets. Love has no boundaries. I’m glad this book brought you solace. I love you, Sis. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A wonderful book to share Debby for us all. I know with elderly relatives and friends getting older this is coming and I dread it so. My husband and I have already lost some friends through cancer. So sad.

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    1. So true Marje. Because there’s no such thing anymore as ‘ripe old age’. Terrible things happen to people all the time of all ages. Hugs xx

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  5. Deep love evokes deeper grief when a loved one dies. Although they are carried in our hearts forever, it doesn’t ease the pain of loss. Take care, dear Debs. Hugs Joy xx

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  6. This book sounds wonderful, Debby. And all the advice that you touched on seems spot on. There are some overarching experiences and themes, even though grief is unique to the griever, the relationship, and the death. Thanks so much for sharing this important book. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenching review of Bearing the Unbearable. I hope it has helped you Deb though moving out of personal grief is immensely impossible. Life tells us to keep going. I am glad you are making all possible efforts. Sending you a big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Balroop. Like you said, moving out of grief is impossible, it’s all about learning to live with it – not an easy task on many days. Hugs back my friend ❤

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  8. I just downloaded onto my Kindle. I haven’t actually read any books on grieving come to think of it. I have plenty of family to talk to and other widow friends, but I think it would be good to step outside my little world. I still feel as if I am in one of my own novels, creating the new persona of widow. It’s not something to get through like the pandemic or cancer, it’s going to last for ever and loved ones don’t come back to see how we are getting on.

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    1. You said a mouthful Janet. It’s not something to get over, but a condition we have to learn with. But I truly believe our guys are around all the time keeping check on us. I hope you find some kinship or solace with this book. ❤

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  9. This sounds like a great book on a topic that everyone really should include in their life because you and the author are right – grief and “death will affect every single person one day”
    Oh and the part about time not being linear shows some of the depth covered here!
    Will have to check this out!
    Great review

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Yvette. Thanks for dropping by. I’m glad you enjoyed this post. And like I said, this is a good book for both grievers, and those who wish to understand how to behave around a griever. Thank you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My nephew was just sharing about how many folks have died in his life this last 12 months and I chatted with him briefly but I also think I will suggest he gets this book!
        Hope you have a nice day

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  10. This does sound like a book that everyone should read, Debby. I appreciate your personal response to it. What struck me most was the need to talk and be heard, to be allowed to speak about our grief and our loved ones we are grieving. Sometimes it’s difficult to find someone who is willing to listen.

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  11. Debby, an incredible and detailed review of a powerful book. I can easily see why you say this is one of the best books about grief and the wisdom and heart of the author will help all those who read it. I am deeply moved by the quotations you have included throughout and they give an immediate feel for the book. hugs xx

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting Annika. I’m glad you enjoyed reading my favorite quotes I picked out from the book. I like to convey my personal feelings about books and I’m glad you appreciate that. ❤

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  12. This book sounds incredible, Deb. I like that she shares other people’s stories along with her own. Grief certainly does live within us and it isn’t something that eventually ‘goes away’. Nope. I’m glad this book has been a tonic for your own grief and loss, of your beloved husband. It really hit me hard when you said just listen, be there without giving advice. I have so few people in my life who are capable of that.

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  13. Sounds to me like this book should be compulsory reading.
    There is no comparison to your grief, but a week ago a very dear friend, a member of a close knit group, was killed in a freak accident. She was only in her 30s, and we are all struggling to come to terms with the loss, each in our own different way. Perhaps this book might be of some help to at least some of us.

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