if love could have saved you

Free Verse Poetry – Even Though – #Grief and Loss

Published on by dgkaye

Some days the darkness is just too overwhelming, like no time has passed. Like a knife weilding deep into my soul, it doesn’t take much to send me right back there, to the worst day of my life. Grief is a ride I can’t seem to step off of, even the strongest of swimmers may drown. It ebbs and flows daily. Some days the tide is low, but many others, like today, a tsunami takes me over. It is only my writing to or about him that keeps myself from spontaneously combusting from excruciating grief.

Beloved Puppy

Even Though

Even though it’s been seventeen long months

Since you were taken,

Seventeens of thousands of tears I’ve shed

And continue to do so without much provocation.

I merely envision your beautiful face

And the heavens open and disperse through my eyes.

x

Even though the burning and dire need to hug you is relentless

With insatiable desire to be held by you,

If I could just pull you into me,

Just one more time,

Maybe it would suffice.

I doubt it though,

Because I know I’d never let you go.

x

Even though you’ve been gone for what feels an eternity,

The searing, pulsating pain still jackhammers my heart

With the same depths it did the moment I let go of your hand on your last breath.

It doesn’t ease.

x

Even though I want to smile when thinking of you

The embedded visions that remain on autoplay

Keep overpowering our priceless memories.

The vision of leaning over and resting my head on your heart as

I couldn’t believe you existed then you didn’t.

x

Even though I function on autopilot to get things done

The moments I take a pause to focus on you,

I fall apart all over again.

Seems I must cheat myself out of thinking about you every moment,

By suppressing with mundane life.

x

Even though I’m struggling to choose life,

It somehow doesn’t feel like much of one –

More like just existing.

I don’t speak of this to anyone –

Not that there are too many anyones left,

In my immediate life.

x

Even though you said it yourself and warned me,

The rude awakening of finding so few by my side

At the most harrowing time of my life,

It still shocks me, just adding to my numbness.

My circle of friends often kept me

From going to the darkside,

Or off the deep end,

But like sharks, darkness circles within.

x

Even though I chose to live,

I’m only half of who I was.

The biggest love of my life is gone,

And with you went my heart taking with it all the love.

The thrills are gone as nothing excites.

Your empty half of the bed remains,

Now as a monument to our love and your existence.

The visions of watching you fade away there – never go away.

x

Even though our bed is somehow a lifeline to me,

A sanctuary where we shared almost 26 years together,

Loving, listening, laughing, cuddling,

Waking one another gently from frightening nightmares,

The emptiness envelops my heart and soul, every time I climb in.

x

Even though you’re not here now to shake me gently and whisper,

“Cubby, Cubby wake up,” to remove me from my dark dreams,

Often my days are just as dark.

I don’t have you to rescue me anymore.

I never knew where I was in those dreams

Or why I’d scream for help in those episodes.

I guess I never will now,

Unless you can rescue me

From where you are.

When my fears in that darkness

Go from nightmares into real life.

©DGKaye2022

75 thoughts on “Free Verse Poetry – Even Though – #Grief and Loss”

  9. It makes me sad that you have felt a lack of support from some of your immediate friends. This is the time they should be stepping up more instead of less. I’m sure it’s hard not to take it personally, but I’m guessing part of it may be that some don’t know how to support grieving friends.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Thanks Pete. My friends are still my friends. ‘Our’ friends have disappeared, and almost all family. I’m not guessing anything. I’ve put them all in my toxic category and as I write, we must remove ourselves from toxic people. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  10. Oh Debby … this poem truly touched me! I’m a realist, and poetry is something I usually avoid, for I rarely understand it or relate to it, but when I read this one, I found it literally hard to breathe, as if the oxygen had been sucked from the room. You have a way of converting genuine feelings into words, my friend.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Thank you my friend. Just one of many bad days. I find it hard to breathe many days. That’s why I now have a cardiologist. Whodathunk. Not hard to understand how some die from a broken heart. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Yeah, I fully understand. I, too, am under the care of a cardiologist for a heart condition that knocked me low a year ago and I’m still devoid of energy. Hang in there, dear friend, and take care … the world needs people like us! ❤

        Like

  11. So moving and heartbreaking! Your loss is tremendous and I admire your courage for getting through each day. ((HUGS)) It’s during the sad and bad times, that we find out who are true friends are. The number always dwindles. 😦

    Like

    Reply

  14. Journaling, Blogging, Writing it out — it to ride it out, even whilst tumbling in titanic waves. I too had a narcissistic mom, and an undiagnosed bi-polar dad. Exceptional insights tucked into your journey words. WALK ON with your head up – catching a glimpse of the glory shining on you. QUOTING YOU “Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” C.S. Lewis

    “There is no education like adversity.” Benjamin Disraeli

    “Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.” Plato

    “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?” D.G. Kaye

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  15. Debby, you’re always in my prayers. I can’t quite explain it but sharing your grief and heart with us is incredibly brave and transformative in so many ways… “I couldn’t believe you existed then you didn’t”… that is penetrating. Bless your heart. xo

    Like

    Reply

  18. Debby, this poem is heart-wrenching and your emotions are so palpable, I got teary-eyed. Like any of us who read your moving words, I wish I could do more. But for now, I’ll send some virtual hugs in hope they will comfort. ❤️❤️

    Like

    Reply

  19. My heart breaks for you, dear Debby!
    This is a sweet loving piece of writing.

    My heart breaks for me.
    I put myself in your shoes, and it is sobering. I listened to Podcast 4.
    I’m finding your podcasts to be comforting. I think I’m banking your wisdom and lessons, for the future, in case my life love leaves me before I leave him.
    In the event that I am first, I hope to pass some of this comfort onto him.
    Be well! xoxo

    Like

    Reply

    1. Resa, thank you so much for your heartfelt words. That means a lot. All I will say is to treasure each day and making lots of loving memories. And thanks so much for listening, and your big heart. ❤ xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  21. A heartfelt poem that brought me to tears Debby…. ‘Even though’ I know Life goes on in a different dimension, you still have to live through this one…
    Sending you the biggest of HUGS sear Debby….
    That was a beautiful poignant poem that tore at the heart strings… For I know as each year passes we all get closer to those partings of our loved ones…
    Sending LOVE and Blessings Dear friend.. ❤

    Like

    Reply

    1. Thank you my dear Sue. You are so right. I must continue in this dimension, ‘even though’ I feel as though I am living in two dimensions – mine and his. And I’m sorry I brought you to tears, I suppose that’s because you could feel mine with your empathic heart. Your love is received and as always I’m sending some back your way. ❤ xoxox ❤

      Like

      Reply

  23. HI Debby, I am so very sorry to read this. I have spent the past few days feeling like a husk. As if my insides have all disappeared. It is the most awful feeling. But Michael is doing better today so I am fortunate. Hugs, I have no words for you but I do feel for you.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Hi Robbie. I appreciate you popping over. I do know you are full of worry right now, and my broken heart doesn’t help your matters. But I am so happy to learn that Michael is doing better. Sending you both healing prayers. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  24. Oh, Deb, grief is SO painful and devastating, sucking the very breath we need to survive ~ if we even want to survive. It’s confusing in its surrealism and excruciating in its reviving. We know in our minds we’re not separated, but our hearts don’t understand language. I feel your pain, sister. All I can offer you is empathy and love 💜❤️💚

    Like

    Reply

    1. Dear T. I know your heart and grateful for our friendship. We both know this journey, only too well. Your words describe it perfectly – “We know in our minds we’re not separated, but our hearts don’t understand language.” Beautifully worded my Sister. ❤ xxxox

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  28. Pingback: Free Verse Poetry – Even Though – #Grief and Loss – Petal of Desire🍁

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s