Some days the darkness is just too overwhelming, like no time has passed. Like a knife weilding deep into my soul, it doesn’t take much to send me right back there, to the worst day of my life. Grief is a ride I can’t seem to step off of, even the strongest of swimmers may drown. It ebbs and flows daily. Some days the tide is low, but many others, like today, a tsunami takes me over. It is only my writing to or about him that keeps myself from spontaneously combusting from excruciating grief.
Even though it’s been seventeen long months
Since you were taken,
Seventeens of thousands of tears I’ve shed
And continue to do so without much provocation.
I merely envision your beautiful face
And the heavens open and disperse through my eyes.
Even though the burning and dire need to hug you is relentless
With insatiable desire to be held by you,
If I could just pull you into me,
Just one more time,
Maybe it would suffice.
I doubt it though,
Because I know I’d never let you go.
Even though you’ve been gone for what feels an eternity,
The searing, pulsating pain still jackhammers my heart
With the same depths it did the moment I let go of your hand on your last breath.
It doesn’t ease.
Even though I want to smile when thinking of you
The embedded visions that remain on autoplay
Keep overpowering our priceless memories.
The vision of leaning over and resting my head on your heart as
I couldn’t believe you existed then you didn’t.
Even though I function on autopilot to get things done
The moments I take a pause to focus on you,
I fall apart all over again.
Seems I must cheat myself out of thinking about you every moment,
By suppressing with mundane life.
Even though I’m struggling to choose life,
It somehow doesn’t feel like much of one –
More like just existing.
I don’t speak of this to anyone –
Not that there are too many anyones left,
In my immediate life.
Even though you said it yourself and warned me,
The rude awakening of finding so few by my side
At the most harrowing time of my life,
It still shocks me, just adding to my numbness.
My circle of friends often kept me
From going to the darkside,
Or off the deep end,
But like sharks, darkness circles within.
Even though I chose to live,
I’m only half of who I was.
The biggest love of my life is gone,
And with you went my heart taking with it all the love.
The thrills are gone as nothing excites.
Your empty half of the bed remains,
Now as a monument to our love and your existence.
The visions of watching you fade away there – never go away.
Even though our bed is somehow a lifeline to me,
A sanctuary where we shared almost 26 years together,
Loving, listening, laughing, cuddling,
Waking one another gently from frightening nightmares,
The emptiness envelops my heart and soul, every time I climb in.
Even though you’re not here now to shake me gently and whisper,
“Cubby, Cubby wake up,” to remove me from my dark dreams,
Often my days are just as dark.
I don’t have you to rescue me anymore.
I never knew where I was in those dreams
Or why I’d scream for help in those episodes.
I guess I never will now,
Unless you can rescue me
From where you are.
When my fears in that darkness
Go from nightmares into real life.