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Appreciation,  Caregiving,  Compassion,  D.G. Kaye,  Health and wellness

A Short Visit and a Variety of Thoughts and Happenings

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I thought I could do everything. But I can’t. My first priority is, as has always been my loving “Puppy”, and our time together is growing short. I am his caregiver. I am his wife. And he is the love of my life, so I need not have to elaborate how triply difficult this journey is. Trying to suck it all up 24/7 so I can keep him happy and talk about happy things.  I may have done wrong by keeping him optimistic, knowing full well I was lying to myself and him. But I am newly over denial, and reality sucks.

I’ve taken this quiet time out to post here for a bit of this and that, and not quite sure when I will get the time to write again as my husband is in end stages, palliative at home, every day is stolen time. This whirlwind mountain of actual what the fuck, had taken me into a tailspin since the horrifying diagnosis and me trying to make like there was hope when there is none. I will also blame goddamned Covid and no doctor visits because I believe if they saw him in the past year, all the tests would have been done then. So yes, I BLAME COVID, like the thousands of people dying of non Covid ailments because of no doctor visits.

I won’t even allow myself to think of our good times, as that would just throw me over the edge. I function on autopilot. I do whatever I can, and if it means a few weeks of no sleeping, so be it. I’m 24/7. My always strong, smiling, loving husband is like my child now and I continue to fight for him, and I am thrilled at the most amazing doctors and palliative teams of nurses and personal support workers, and our country’s health system. I’m getting a bird’s eye view of what goes on when you’re actually living the experience.

This is the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life. And it’s something you can’t begin to explain. One who has walked the shoes only knows how affecting it is to be an eye witness. I’m an empath. These are the parts in books and movies I squint my eyes at, or fast forward. I feel the pain and the sorrow of others, and it’s cutting. And I’m smack in the middle of it. I cannot allow myself the time to grieve as I’m living it and because I must soldier on. I cannot allow my brain to wander over to the ‘after’ part and all that comes – and leaves, with it. So I don’t focus on it, I just keep to what’s in front of me one day at a time.

So much is going on daily here with nurses and support workers and phone calls and and medical supply deliveries, and I had to call 911 for the last time last Sunday again to try and save him one more time. He came home Thursday by ambulance to live the time he has left, at home with his Cub. I’ve learned to operate in numb-like mode, on autopilot. I dare not take any thought of what will be when he is no more. He is now bedridden since his last return and won’t eat, only sleeps. I thought I was losing him Thursday night, but my warrior husband is still here. He can’t talk but he can nod his head.

We’ve struggled our whole marriage about where we would ‘go’ once we leave this earth, as our religions are different and I never wanted to talk of such things. My bad indeed.  But I am grateful to my brother who did the legwork for me, and I have an appointment on Monday to purchase plots ten minutes away from where I live. They have a section for inter-faith marriages – something that was sparse 20 years ago.  I’m pretty sure I’ll need a Valium on Monday.

Time is very precious at this time, and I’m plum worn to the bone, so I’m not sure when I will post again. But I wanted to update you all here, as I’ve been getting so many emails, texts and messages of love and support from many of my friends and answer only when I get a short minute. I know my very good friend Sally Cronin has been keeping my online presence alive and I’m sorry I can’t like, comment or share, but just know, I will be back after this journey. I most definitely won’t be the same person as I once was, but surely, I will have much to write about.

Thank you all for your love and support and keep the love coming as somehow, it does help.

 

©DGKaye2021

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D.G. Kaye is a nonfiction/memoir writer, who writes from her own life experiences and self-medicates with a daily dose of humor.

94 Comments

  • Darlene Foster

    One day at a time my dear, one day at a time. You are there for your love and that is what matters right now. Sending you much love and many hugs. You are strong, you can do this. xo

  • cindy knoke

    Oh, I am so sorry for both of you. Sounds incredibly difficult for both of you. You are being an incredibly good caregiver and I can well imagine how hard this is. I am sending you both my love, prayers and thoughts.

  • Kathy Steinemann

    I wish I could hug you, Debby. Take all the time you need for yourself, your husband, and your family. If it helps to share your thoughts on your blog, we’ll read them.

    All the best. You’ll be in my prayers.

  • Jane Sturgeon

    My dearest 🦄 unicorn buddy, you are both held in my heart. It’s the hardest and most humbling journey you are on and we are all here for you. I love you and am wrapping you both in soft loving energy. Xxxx 💕🌹💕

  • Marje

    Debby I am so sad for you both. Know I am thinking of you and wish I could be there to give you a hug. The toughest of times, all I can hope for is you know your friends are thinking of you. Sending loving thoughts. Marje x

  • sally cronin

    I am sure that everyone who reads this Debby will be moved by the events unfolding. Being realistic when someone you love is fading away is impossible and hope is one of the emotions that keeps us going and strong. You are doing an amazing thing and all we can do is to send our love. Reach out anytime..love and hugs ♥♥

  • Pete Springer

    I wish there were some way to offer more support, Debby. I’m so sorry for what you’re both going through right now. Just know that your friends in the blogging community are thinking of you, wishing there was something we could do.

  • Vashti Quiroz-Vega

    I am so sorry that you’re going through this, my sweet friend. My heart breaks for you. I watched my mom go through something similar when my father got sick. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs ever. Sending love and peaceful vibes your way.

  • Jan Sikes

    Debby, I do not expect any reply to my comment, so please do not feel as if you have to. I just want to say I have walked in your shoes and nothing about it is easy. You do go on autopilot and you learn to half-sleep with an awareness of every breath and every movement. All I can say is that you are not alone. You have a team of angels walking with you and that is where you will draw your strength. My heart is with you, and I send light and love.

  • Carol Taylor

    Hey, Debs, my heart goes out to you both…I know how very hard it is I am sending love and a virtual hug…my thoughts are with you …Stay strong warrior lady and take 5 when you can…Much love and hugs xxx

  • Marian Beaman

    Your priorities are absolutely right, taking care of your “Bear Cub,” This is just such a hard road to travel, but your presence is the most important gift to him right now. Know I, along with a host of friends here, care deeply about you, surrounding you with the comfrot of love and prayers for your best.

    Much love, many hugs, dear Debby! ((( )))

  • judith barrow

    I haven’t been online for a few days, Debby, and have wondered how you are because of our pending get-together. I am devastated for you and cannot imagine your heartache. So all I can do is send you love and hugs and strength. Take care of yourself today – you’re in my thoughts. x

    • dgkaye

      Thanks so much Judith. And I am so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking about our get-together. I look forward to connecting with you at a better times. Thanks for your love. <3 x

  • Stevie Turner

    So sorry to read your sad news, Debby. I’m sending a hug to you through the airwaves. Don’t worry about blogging – it’s not important right now. Just concentrate on your husband and making him comfortable. xx

  • Miriam Hurdle

    My dear Debby, my heart aches for you. I don’t know what else to say. No word seems to be enough or right for the situation you’re in. Just wanted to let you know I read this post and thank you for the update. There were many people who passed away in my family but I’m so far away from there physically. I was at my sister’s bedside when she passed away but it was quick, we were not prepared and didn’t know how to process.

    I’m sorry that Covid caused all the complications of not getting your husband tested. I kind of understand you tried to be hopeful and tried to make him happy. It was good that your brother helped and you got a plot not too far from where you live. We understand if you don’t write for a while. Your husband is your priority. You know that we all care for you. We love you!

    • dgkaye

      Thank you for your love and support, and sharing of your own woes Miriam. The world has certainly turned upside down on us. I am so sorry for your loss. As one in this terrible predicament, I know well how difficult it is to find the right words when there really aren’t any. Hugs <3

  • Daniel Kemp

    I have no words of wisdom nor any to add comfort to the desperate situation you find yourself in, for all I know I may find myself in the same or put my wife in the same, I simply wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and your husband.

  • Sue Dreamwalker

    Dearest Debby, my heart goes out to you my friend, caring takes the stuffing out of us, because we are empathetic we give of ourselves.
    Yes this last year has took a tremendous toll on people’s health. Those regular check ups have been stopped here as well. So many now in the Domino effect off neglect of treatments, both physically and mentally.

    You just keep doing what you have to do Debby, your hubby is your priority.. We will be here all of us..

    Sending you my love, and healing thoughts for love and peace to hold you both forever close.

    Love and hugs sent over the Ocean..
    Love Sue. 💜💚💜💚💜💚💜

    • dgkaye

      Thanks so much my lovely Sue. I appreciate you and all my wonderful supportive friends here. It helps to keep soldiering on. You know this all too well. Your love is received and sending some always, back your way. <3 xooxx

  • Alex Craigie

    It must be unimagineably hard for you both physically and emotionally but it’s testament to the strength of feeling you still have for each other and that will terrify and sustain you. You will grieve but you’l know that in every sense you’ve been there for him. Hold on as long as you can and then let your family and friends catch you. <3

  • Jim Borden

    I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers. Your husband is lucky to have you by his side…

  • Joy Lennick

    Dear Debs, You are very much in my thoughts. Watching someone you love suffer and fade is the very worst feeling. Knowing you are near – even though he is not talking – must be a huge comfort for your husband.You are strong, even though you may not feel it at present. Hope and love is all. Take good care. Love and hugs. Joy xxx

  • Diane McGyver

    I have great respect for those who step into the caregiver role for a loved one. Not everyone can do it. I don’t think I could. I’ve no great words to share to help you through this challening time. Ones I’ve thought of have fallen flat. So I’ll leave you with this.

    As we journey through the universe as energy on solar winds, our paths cross that of others on their own course. Sometimes the connection is only a few minutes. Other times, it is years. When the time comes for the paths to divide again, it is the memories of that time that warm our hearts and enrich our journey. Death is not an ending, only a parting of two energy forces. Will they cross again? Possibly. The unknown is what allows us to focus on the here and now.

    • dgkaye

      Beautiful and succinctly put Diane. Thank you for your kind words of truth. One of my favorite sayings is “we meet people for seasons and reasons”. <3

  • Liesbet

    Oh Debby! I have tears in my eyes as I read this update. And, I don’t cry easily!! I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. I understand the being on autopilot as that is – truly – the only way to keep going in situations like these. To cope. The briefest moment of reflection, what ifs, or should haves would spiral you down a sorrowful, emotional rathole. Be strong, my friend, and savor the last moments with your dear husband. Sending you hugs, love, and strength! <3 <3 <3

    • dgkaye

      Thank you my friend for visiting and leaving some wise words, especially about going down rabbit holes. I went there, but snapped out of that. The rest, I’m swallowing daily. <3

  • Charli Mills

    There are no words that can remove your pain. May it be comfort enough that we are standing by. Each breath is precious and love has no expiration date. Big hugs to you across the border. <3

  • Moomor Publishing

    God be with you on this very sad journey, Debbie. The only motto to help me through a similar journey – twice – was “Let Go and Let God.” My first husband died at age 62 after 4 years of early onset Alzheimer. My second husband died at 86 in 2019 after 10 years of ill health with multiple morbidities (and after 76 healthy, vigorous years). Somehow we managed to publish four books together during those last years. Keeping me sane since then was finishing up our 5th book and also writing the scripts for his funeral and, months later, a scattering of ashes in a northern lake (together with those of his first wife who had died 15 years previously). Healing times, though the pain never really leaves – it just gets more acceptable. I wish you wellness and wholeness as you face the future.
    Gayle Moore-Morrans

    • dgkaye

      Thank you so much Gayle for sharing your own painful journey with me and for your words that ring so true, although I’m not even at that part yet – “pain never really leaves – it just gets more acceptable”. I’ve read those words so many times in my life that I am now waiting for that part – the part about getting more acceptable. <3

  • Norah Colvin

    Sending hugs, Debby. Such a difficult time for you both. Difficult days ahead too. May Hub’s journey be peaceful and may you find comfort in the love you share that will never end. 💖💖💖

  • Chuck Jackson

    Hi Debbie,

    When I read your post this morning, I knew I had to respond. I have walked a similar path as you, but everyone’s experience is different. Mine came out of the blue, and he was gone within minutes. Your journey has been slow, and you knew the destination. You said it best by admitting to the denial. I don’t know which is worse, the unexpected or the seeming unending. It doesn’t matter; the reality of losing our spouse is devastating.

    I have all kinds of advice, but the things that worked for me may not be appropriate for you. Forget about your blog post, and you do not have to make excuses why you aren’t posting daily as you have in the past. If your writing gives you comfort, then buy yourself a journal for this time in your life. Write down those emotions, thoughts, and especially the anger. Write the feelings you might not share with anyone but are harboring inside. Put down in words the screams, the sobs, and confusion. It is a means of healing.

    What most of your friends are expressing is, you don’t have to take this journey alone. Reach out and allow them to listen. You have a significant following, and you have supported so many, including me. Now, my sweet lady, it’s your turn for us to console you.

    God’s blessings are with you.
    Chuck Jackson

    • dgkaye

      Chuck, thank you for stopping by and leaving your words of wisdom. I truly remember your loss and shock and grief. As you said, you’ve walked in the shoes. You better believe thoughts – et al, are being documented randomly. Writing has been my survival technique for many things in life. If we bottle it up, it will consume us, and so we write. Thanks for the uplift my friend. All truth. <3

  • Joy Lennick

    Thinking of you, dear Debs, and routing for you…I can magine how hard it must be to see your poor husband suffering. Don’t forget you are only human too, so – while staying strong for him – take care of yourself too. Accept help when you can. Love, peace and hope are all. Love Joy xxx

  • Balroop Singh

    Oh Deb! I am there with you in spirit and admire your warrior strength. You are doing your best dear friend. I know how heart-breaking it is to see the love of your life in bad shape. I know words seem hollow …Sending my prayers for hugs.

  • Diana Peach

    I’m so sorry, Debby, for all the pain and worry and heartache and sorrow you’re enduring right now. Life-long love has it’s downside and yet we wouldn’t trade it away for something shallow and half-felt. You have a huge heart and I know you’re on autopilot… honestly sometimes that’s the best you can do. I know you’ll find your way through to the other side. Sending much love and light your way, including to your dear husband. Hugs.

  • Amy M Reade

    Debby, my heart aches for you and your husband. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing by focusing all your love and attention on him. Everyone who has read this, judging from the comments, is wishing they could walk this road with you to shoulder some of your pain. But we all offer you love, hope, and a light in the darkness. You and your husband are surrounded by the angels. May they lift you up and hold you when you need it most.

  • Lisa Thomson

    I’m so sorry for all that you and your husband are going through, Debby. You are both WARRIORS. Sending love and hugs.

  • Ellie Marrandette

    I can’t imagine what you are going through my sweet friend. Only know that my prayer warrior side has you continually on my mind and in my prayers. Be strong and courageous as you battle an unbelievable trial in your life. A blog is nothing compared to time spent with your dear husband – so spend as much time together as you are able and continue to build on precious memories. Blessings back to you, <3

  • Mabel Kwong

    It sounds challenging what you are going through, Deby. It must be so hard to watch that person who has been with you all your life struggle and you know there aren’t many options. My heart goes out to you and enjoy every moment you have with your significant other. Blogging can wait and we will all be here for you when you are ready to come back. Stay strong 💕

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