Category: Just sayin’

Do your investigating

Email Pitching Etiquette for #Bloggers Requesting to Write for Other Blogs

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Do your investigating

 

Are you being inundated with email requests from personal bloggers or businesses emailing you asking if they can contribute a post to your blog? Do their offerings suggest they even know what your blog is about or are they looking for a place to info dump and sell their products?

 

I get several of these types of emails weekly from people I don’t know or have never visited or commented on my posts. Most of those emails I now just delete. Today I’m going to share with you what you should be looking out for when vetting these requests because that’s what we must do carefully before getting all excited about the prospect that somebody came to us and offered their ‘Free’ will to post on our blog. Below, I will share my list of things to look for in those emails to help you decide if you should allow or even bother responding to these requests.

 

  • Let’s begin with salutation. If someone is requesting to write a post on your blog, the least they can do is visit your ‘About page’ and look for your name to properly address you. I would say that approximately 90% of the requests I receive begin with ‘Hey’. Newsflash – hay is for horses. My name isn’t hey!
  • Don’t Small-Talk me. The most common introduction lines I receive in these requests begin with, “I really love your blog,” “I write like you,” “I want to write for your blog because we have so much in common.” After checking out many of these people, I’ve found that their articles have zero to do with anything I write about or stand for. If you really love my blog why haven’t I seen you visit it and hit ‘like’ or leave a comment? In fact, many of these offers to write are by writers for content mills trying to sell products.
  • No mention of a website in their email. There’s a big flag! If someone wants to write for us, perhaps they should include some credentials or at the very least, a link where we can check out their writing.
  • Know who you are pitching to. I have noticed that many pitches that are irrelevant to my blog come from some who must have randomly chosen me to pitch to through sniffing out SEO tags and/or keywords. I deducted this from a few requests I received who did happen to mention a post they ‘picked out’. I say picked out, not read because a few of those posts had nothing in common with the offered post they could write for me, but their offered topic was based on a tag on one of my posts instead of what the post was actually about. For example: One request email told me they write about same topics as mine and picked out a post of mine to compare their writing to. Well that particular post was written by my friend and author Tina Frisco, written about gratitude. In Tina’s bio she mentions that she is a retired registered nurse. The topic offered me to write about was selling medical supplies. You get my drift?
  • Did the email author offer any links to view their past work? If somebody wants to write for our blogs they should be including links so we can view their past post examples.

 

What to Look for in Email Requests

 

  • Were you addressed properly?
  • Does the author link to their website or link to a site where their work is featured so we can view a sample of their writing?
  • Do the author’s links to posts they include in their email demonstrate the subject matter they are selling to you?
  • Is the subject matter the author is offering to write about similar to topics you write about?
  • Does the author of the email state clearly what it is they are offering to write about for you?
  • Are the samples of the author’s writing strictly for promoting products?
  • Did the author of the email include a ‘business card’ in their signature?

 

The above bulleted vetting questions are the guidelines I use to help make my decision before I even consider replying to pestering emails. Depending on what’s missing and if anything in the body of the email captures my attention, I may investigate the author further. But make no mistake, if I’m addressed as ‘Hey’, and there is no business card (link to their website or business) in their signature or at least in the body of their email, I don’t waste any time searching who they are and just hit delete.

Don’t get carried away in the moment, thinking how honored you may feel because someone is writing you asking if they can post on your blog. It may seem flattering at first, but there is usually a motive behind these offers unless they are being honest about why they want to write for you and they include appropriate information regarding their credentials.

NEVER agree to let any stranger post a feature on your blog before you have thoroughly vetted the author. On the other hand, there are still some sincere inquiries asking to write for our blogs. And it’s always nice to feature a guest post on our blogs to give another writer some exposure and offer our readers the chance to learn about something new. But just remember, it’s your blog and you are responsible for what you allow to be posted on it. Your own following has come to expect a certain standard of post on your blog so remember to honor that before you consider allowing a stranger to post a sales pitch article on your blog.

Are any of you receiving numerous email requests to post on your blogs?

 

 

 

 

 

Just Sayin'

Just Sayin’ – About Reviewing Books – Be Fair!

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Just Sayin'

 

I spend lots of time looking at books, blurbs and reviews. I’m astounded at the amount of people who rate books with one star reviews because of issues that aren’t related to a book they’re reviewing.

 

I’ve seen countless bogus one and two star reviews with statements such as: they weren’t happy with the speed or state of their delivered book, the book wasn’t in their preferred genre, and many more ridiculous reviews. Heck, I recently received one of those reviews on my latest book – Twenty Years: After “I Do”. Let’s keep in mind that this book is a memoir about how to keep a good marriage going despite tragedies and circumstances that can happen. I also don’t claim to be famous, I’m an Indie author and proud of my accomplishments. Here was the latest review on my book:  “Really? I thought when I borrowed this from Kindle that it would be funny and have meaning. NO What I got was a memoir from someone that nobody knows.” Yes, there you have it. I have obviously misled a reader into thinking I am a famous author and my book was written as a comedy.

I have no clue why Amazon doesn’t put out any good information to readers about the importance of the rating system. So many uneducated reviewers giving one star reviews for issues totally unrelated to the book itself! I would wager a guess that these reviewers have no clue how their one star complaints ruin an author’s book rating because of their inconsequential complaints.

In the instances when these readers aren’t satisfied with the Zon’s service, I would highly recommend they contact customer service to rectify their issues and not take it out on authors. Writing a review and giving it a one star rating despite the good writing and storyline is not warranted because the reader read a book in a genre they didn’t like. Here’s an idea – DON’T READ IT! Or better yet, please don’t leave a bogus review.

I don’t mean to sound biased here because I’m an author. Certainly if a reader has valid reasons for not liking a book they are entitled to voice their opinion, but what I’m saying is to be fair! If there are valid reasons for not enjoying a book then by all means state your reasons. Give us constructive criticism that can help us improve our stories. These issues can be rectified. But telling an author their book isn’t your personal taste isn’t helpful. Tell us if you found plotholes, unsatisfied endings, editing issues, too much head-hopping. Those issues are fixable and constructive. Sadly, us authors aren’t responsible for the manner in which your book was delivered!

Low ratings have consequences for authors – especially Indie authors. The majority of Indie authors don’t make a living from theirs books, let alone able to pay one monthly bill from them either. Us writers spend our days and nights writing, and even more time publishing and marketing our own work – burning the midnight oil almost daily so that we can inform and entertain readers. We also pay money to advertise our books, and laughably, even if we are paying for ads, some companies won’t even advertise our books if there aren’t enough ratings, or if the ratings are below a four star review on average.

So all I’m asking is for readers to be fair with your judgments. Think about your review and rating before you hit ‘post’. Authors rely on readers to enjoy their work and spread the word to others who may enjoy it. Give a writer a chance and be kind.

question marks

Life Without Questions – #Poetry Rant

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question marks

 

The question mark key has died on my keyboard.

What’s a writer to do when she can no longer ask questions.

 

Where are you from – I will forever wonder. Where is not a country.

What is your name – surely, your name is not what.

 

How did this come to be – I’ll never know the answer if I can’t raise the question.

What am I to do – who is this what that I’m to do something about.

 

Why has this happened to my keyboard – I’ll never know now because I can’t ask the question.

 

Surely, I can’t go through life with no question. I must fix that key in order to keep learning.

 

 

This poem was inspired by my broken question mark key on my laptop.

Mercury retrograde

 

Summer tales

Just a Day in the Life – Sunshine, Deaf Ears, Too Much Chat

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Summer tales

 

Just a Day in the Life  . . . Sunshine, Deaf ears, Too much Chat

 

It’s been unseasonably warm here this past week and although warm, not often sunny. But this day was sunny and hot, and I wanted to do some writing and step away from the computer so I decided to spend a few hours in the afternoon down at the pool patio to catch some rays while being productive. Well sort of productive because all I wound up writing was this little afternoon episode. What I hadn’t planned on was getting my eardrums broken, or social interaction.

 

Let me preface this by saying I rarely go sit outside at the pool where I live and if I do it will be on a Sunday afternoon when I’m not at my sister’s backyard hanging out. I never previously went down during the week, always working in my office with the computer. But I thought I’ll start going to the sundeck to get some Vitamin D and work on a tan and get some good solitary writing time in. I thought. . .

The condo development I live in has a lot of empty nesters and seniors who have downsized thus, not many hang at the pool with an exception of a few regulars and busier on weekends with visiting grandkids. It was Thursday afternoon and I expected to be the only one there. Wishful thinking.

To get to the sundeck, I must walk through the women’s changeroom through the indoor pool area, leading to the outside huge 2000 square foot patio/sundeck. I wasn’t yet out of the changeroom when I heard a drilling engine-like noise coming closer with every step I took. Once I entered the pool area I saw one of the building’s maintenance caretakers power washing the patio with a thin-nozzled hose attached to a generator. When I got out on the patio it felt like I was standing beside a helicopter with the engine on. The fumes coming out of that generator were toxic and my ears felt like they may burst.

I didn’t spend half an hour getting ready to go to the pool, getting my work tools ready and my sunbag packed with phone, water, towel, lotion and 2 books and walking over to the next building to listen to that while breathing carbon monoxide. So, I got my chair set up, well away from the generator, although that didn’t put a dent in the sound and pollution. And further down the deck I noticed ‘Yappy’ lying in his spot.

Now that I was settled in my chair I wanted to catch the caretaker’s attention because I wasn’t about to put up with the noise while trying to write. I could see the caretaker was not even half done the patio. I also surmised that at the rate he was going, it was about one square inch per minute, he’d need a good three full days to finish that patio. He was diligent, getting that nozzle in between every single crack surrounding each interlock brick. Of course, he was wearing earphones, but I wasn’t. When he turned his head, I waved at him. I tried to scream over the generator “turn that off” but he obviously didn’t read lips either. I then proceeded to play charades and signaled him to turn off the machine and take off his headphones.

Before I began the game of charades, Yappy screamed over to me that he’d put up with that ruckus since the morning and all of the day before while he worked diligently on his George Hamiltonesque tan. I knew he was a sun-freak by the bragging he does the rare times I go to the deck and he’s always there, blabbing to whoever will listen to him. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have to hear the same things repeated by him – he’s got a girlfriend, 35 years younger than himself, he took off work for a year (he’s around 60), he’s traveled everywhere, he eats in many fabulous restaurants, and he’s been living in the building for 20 years. He reminds me of the stereotype  ‘Sammy Miami’ with his dark tan and old-school bachelor attitude.

Yappy could see by the look on my face I wasn’t too happy. I asked him why he wouldn’t complain to management. I added I didn’t comprehend why they had to power hose on two rare sunny days where anyone could be at the pool when there are more cloudy days than sunny, which would also be more comfortable circumstances to stand out all day in a worker’s jumpsuit and rubber boots is beyond me. He responded by telling me he couldn’t be bothered and kept his headphones on to drown out part of the noise.

By the time Mr. Caretaker got my message and turned off the machine, I told him he must stop because our eardrums were breaking, and we were breathing in toxic fumes. I wasn’t feeling too friendly, but I knew, the man now intimidated by me, was just doing his job. But I told him to call the management office and tell them there are complaints. I also told him to tell them that we pay a lot of rent to live here and this isn’t right. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed. After he hung up, he packed up the machine and left.

If given the opportunity, Yappy is happy to initiate a conversation. I made sure to sit a good 50 feet away from him. I’d have moved to the complete other end had the generator not been there. And as soon as the caretaker left, Yappy perks up with his usual snarky laugh and tells me how ballsy I am. “I don’t think you take any shit from anyone,” said Yappy. He continued to blab and I looked at my notebook and gave him the odd nod signaling I was listening.

While he was blabbing about everything under the sun, he managed to mention something about the U.S. in comparison to Canada. I commented back something sarcastic about dOnald tRump and he retorted with, “You don’t like Trump?”

By that time, he was grating on what felt like my last nerve and I shouted to him “Don’t get me started about him.” Yappy wanted to get into a discussion about politics and he was the last person I was going to talk to about them. He continued to try and tell me why he loved tRump and I was ready to throw a shoe at him but screamed over his screaming across the patio to repeat (about 8 times) that I have zero interest in wasting my breath to a cult member. He finally got the hint. Alas, silence.

About an hour had passed in silent bliss when I saw Yappy from the corner of my eye, packing up his stuff when a dark cloud hovered. He stopped by my chair and advised me to pack up because the sun was gone for the day. I bid him goodbye, picked up my pen, and within minutes that dark cloud dispersed, revealing unobstructed sunshine. And along with the clouds went Yappy.

 

My two cents

My Two Cents – Rant of the Week – Stop Wasting My Time #BellCanada

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My two cents

 

One of the most irksome pet peeves I have is having to deal with my communication companies on an ongoing basis for wrong billings. And why is it that communications companies are notorious for their computer systems not running effectively?

 

Every time I make the slightest change to one of my services, ie: home phone, mobile phone, internet or cable TV, the next bill I receive is NEVER the correct amount. Why is this so irksome? Because after wasting hours on the phone with one of these providers to initially make the changes, and after receiving confirmation that my new bill will be just as promised, it never is.

Every time I have to phone one of these companies I almost need to take a Valium just to deal with these companies. In January I called my home phone/internet provider, Bell Canada, to let them know that I was leaving and no longer interested in making a mortgage payment to them. I got put through to loyalty, because of course they don’t want to lose us to the competition. Although I wasn’t thrilled about their offer of compensation, it was $35 cheaper than the current bill and being that I don’t have the head for this nonsense, I accepted their offer before I’m ready to tackle cutting off the home phone line altogether and moving my internet to my mobile/cable TV provider, Rogers, whom I have to admit, are far more generous with their customer service and savings.

I don’t need to share the expletives that came out of my mouth when I opened my Bell bill today and found it $40 higher than it should have been, knowing full well I’d have to leave my work aside and fight for my rights once again.

I am usually quite disciplined at holding back my temper while attempting to reach resolution, but today’s episode could not keep me from holding my tongue. Maybe it’s because of this flu I have going on day 6, maybe it’s because I’m tired of doing their job, and mostly because calling these people is a HUGE timesuck!

So I ventured the phone call and was greeted by a rep who grilled me first on my life story once again after having listened to a damned recording asking me all the same questions prior to him picking up the call where I awaited an answer for 15 minutes. I proceeded to let loose about the WRONG amount on the bill and the amount it should have been, mentioning all the notes and references to the previous call where this new price was set up in January. He asked me several questions as the clock ticked away and my anger rose, I told him to CHECK THE DAMN NOTES! This call went on for the better part of an hour where I had to leave my current work to investigate their mistake . . . again. I reminded him I don’t work for Bell, Bell doesn’t pay for my time and I’m tired of their incompetence. More apologies, more waiting. I stood and listened to the dead silence for 10 minutes before I asked. “Helloooooooo is anyone there???”

He replied, “Sorry Miss, our computers seem to be running so slow today,” something I hear every bloody time I have to call these companies.

I lashed out – “I don’t get it. Every time I call you people your computers are down or slow, what kind of communication company are you?  I work on the damned computer 18 hours a day and have no issues.”

He apologized over and over. I told him what the bill should be and that was all I was going to pay and that I was hanging up and he could deal with the issue that I had no time to wait for something I’m right about. He blabbed on about how great their service is and sometimes we have to pay more for that. I almost barfed, but responded, “I don’t really give a shit what goes on behind your scenes, I only know that I was guaranteed what my monthly bill should be and it’s not. I also told him that I feel sorry for the many customers who I’m sure don’t check their bills thoroughly and just pay them with bogus charges on them. Again silence.

By then I wanted to tear my hair out. But I left him on speaker phone and went back to the computer to work. Then the rep asks, “How is your weather there?” Really?????????? Like you really give a crap, just making small talk to fill in the long wait gap.

I didn’t say that but did respond with a gruff voice, “My weather is fine!” About 10 minutes later I hear, “Have you seen any good movies lately?” That was it for me. I exploded at him.

“NO, I don’t watch movies.” Of course that was a lie, but I wasn’t about to start idle chatter with him while I was trying to work because he couldn’t get his computer to locate all the notes on my account. I further added, “Look, stop asking me insignificant questions to fill in your dead air time. I’M BUSY! Do you think I’m actually sitting here for an hour waiting for you? I’m working while I wait!”

Yes, maybe I was harsh. but maybe I wasn’t. This isn’t a one off event with these companies. If people would do their jobs properly when deals are made, us consumers wouldn’t have to backtrack every time a new bill comes in and have to remind them what our bill should be.

Okay, I feel better now that I shared this, lol. But I do wish there was a solution to these nonsensical happenings. I wish companies would do their jobs properly, and at the very least. hire competent people in billing so we don’t have to waste our time chasing them down for their errors. Nobody there is paying for our time!

Just Sayin'

Do you guys check your bills with a fine toothed comb?

Just Sayin'

What This Blog is Not – Just Sayin’ – Are You Receiving Strange Requests?

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Just Sayin'

 

Public service announcement. This blog is not an advertising page. I don’t sell Apple Iphones, in fact, I’m an Android user if you must know, and I am not a ghostwriter.

 

I’m astounded by the amount of requests I get from what used to be only from emails, but has grown to Twitter DMs and message requests at my Facebook author page now.  I wrote a post awhile back about requests from emails some of us receive requesting to post on our blogs. I used to receive one about every 2 weeks until the last 2 months when they’ve escalated to 2 to 3 per week. But it’s not only emails, now messages left for me on Twitter and Facebook are requesting I write books for them. Are you freaking kidding me? Does anyone ever bother doing their homework before asking a memoir writer to ghostwrite? Obviously not because they must think if you write in memoir, you write anyone’s memoir. It’s astounding the amount of people who have the gumption to leave messages and emails, especially annoying is no proper salutation, credentials, or just the plain nerve with some of the requests they leave.

 

Recently, The Story Reading Ape, Chris Graham shared a post where he  talks about a disclaimer he added to his contact page to try and dissuade some of these strange requests, and Chris offered anyone to copy his note on their own page. I added it to mine, and since doing so, it’s seems to have attracted more stranger offers than before. Seriously, why would I want someone I don’t know posting, hoping to sell something on my blog having no relevance to the product, not to mention, nothing in it for me or my readers?

 

These people need to do their homework before they keep pestering writers with blogs. They also need to look up the meaning of ghostwriter. It shows their ignorance when they haven’t even done their homework on how to find, let alone approach, a ghostwriter, instead of picking an author randomly and approaching them asking to write their stories. Heck, my own husband has occasionally thought it may be fun for me to write a book about his life experience selling cars. I told him to go find a ghostwriter LOL.

 

LOL

 

 

Is it just me, or anyone else here getting weird and annoying requests on a regular basis? Is there a sticker on my forehead that I’m not aware of?

Journey of a book

Journey of a Book – Going Postal by D.G. Kaye

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Journey of a book

 

I set out to do some errands a few days ago, and one of my stops was to the post office to send off some of my books across the Pond. I expected it to be a quick transaction, especially since I had the books already packaged, labeled and ready to go. But instead, it turned out to be a mathematics expedition.

Allow me to preface this by saying, when I was in Arizona this past winter, I’d sent a few books to a friend who lives in California – three or four, I don’t remember exactly, but I do remember I was offered ‘special book rates’ and the whole shebang cost me $6.00. Now let’s fast forward to the other day to my Canada Post for the rich and famous.

 

Okay, here goes. Last winter one of my American author friends suggested we do book exchanges with our books. I thought that would be fun and so I took a copy of each of my books for Tina to send off to her in California from Arizona where I spent most of the winter because the postage everywhere is cheaper than from Canada. When I received Tina’s books in Arizona, she’d sent two copies of her latest book, Vampyrie, one for me, and one to give our friend Sally when I was to see her, supposedly, at the Blogger’s Bash in London this past June, but due to circumstances, I never made that trip. And Tina’s (not so small) book for Sally remained wrapped on my bookshelves.

A month ago, Sally and I decided we were also going to swap a few of our books which we hadn’t read yet. I thought that was perfect and remembered that I still had Tina’s book to give Sal so I wrapped up all the books in parcel paper, and took them to the post office. I thought it would be a quick transaction until the clerk got out her measuring tape and placed my package on the weigh scale and told me “That will be $64 to send them to Ireland”. I just stood there with my mouth opened and asked her if she was kidding. But she wasn’t.

I ranted about the cost of everything in my country and how shameful the government is for not giving writers a break with books to educate readers like they do in the U.S. In the middle of my manic moment, I took apart the parcel I had so meticulously wrapped and said, “Okay, if you want to play the measurement game, let’s go through these books one at a time.” As I handed them to her one-by-one, asking her to give me a cost per each book to try and bring down the deficit, she noticed they were all by the same author, and in her best effort to remain cheery through my tirade, commented, “You must really like this author’s books.” I laughed out loud while trying to take in the mathematics of the various methods of re-packaging the books to get a better rate, and informed her, I was the author of those books. Her mouth hung open in a gasp as she blushed and told me how honored she was to meet a real author. I took in my moment, but wasn’t sidetracked by my disappointment of the price to send off my books to Ireland. But she became a little more sympathetic to my complaint.

The clerk had mentioned that if any of the books could easily slide through a mailbox slot I could send it through a cheaper rate. One book could, so I packaged that separately. I packaged the other 2 of my books up and just made it under the allowable weight before the next price hike. But Tina’s book, yes, Tina’s book, was POINT ZERO ONE over the weight before the jump from $18,00 to $32.00. I was livid. The lineup was growing by this point but I was in no hurry to leave yet. I asked the clerk if she was seriously going to charge me an extra $14,00  on top of the $18.00 to send one bloody book and she replied by telling me she had no choice because it would be weighed again and if there wasn’t sufficient postage paid it would come back on her. Needless to say, I was losing my ‘pretend’ friendly patience and said “Give me back that book! Do you know I could buy this damn book 3 times over with the price you’re charging me?” I paid her to send off the other books, which subsequently, I managed to get them all off for $28.00 and took Tina’s book back home with me. But I had another plan.

My best friend is in town, visiting from the U.K. Yes, I am giving her Tina’s book to take back with her next week and mail it off to Ireland so Sally can finally get her copy. So how many miles will Tina’s book have traveled? Okay, I’m not a mileage expert. But suffice it to say, Tina’s book came from California to Arizona to Toronto, soon to be going to England, where it will finally be sent to Ireland for a mere 5 bucks!

What’s the moral of this story? Do your math homework before sending things across borders. Canada is exceedingly expensive to send anything anywhere, including within Canada.  Now you non Canadian authors can appreciate why us Canadian authors don’t like to do paperback book promotions. Ordering my own books from Amazon, costs me more than the retail price of the book after I pay U.S. shipping to Canada and then convert to our lesser dollar. It’s an author’s madness!

 

Just Sayin'

 

Just Sayin'

Just Sayin’ – Have You Had a Bad Experience with a Service bought through Groupon?

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Beware Prices that Look too Good

 

Just Sayin'

Today’s episode of Just Sayin’ is a little different in that I’m going to share my recent experience using a Groupon certificate.

 

A few weeks ago it was my birthday and my lovely cousin/friend Cousin D, suggested we were both long overdue to have a massage. We had talked about going to a ‘real’ spa for a treat but time and money factored in and when I suggested to D that we should look on Groupon for discounts to spas and found a few, she offered to pay for mine as a birthday gift and we’d go together. The one we chose was not far from where we live and we got to choose which type of massage we wanted for 45 minutes plus an additional 30 minute foot massage. Sounded heavenly, but was more hellish.

 

I did what I thought was my due diligence in reading the many reviews saying how wonderful their experiences were at the massage salon and the photos seemed like it was indeed a nice spa-like atmosphere. Its location and address is in a busy, thriving neighborhood, and the half price deal through Groupon was tempting at $60 a person, so D purchased the certificates.

 

D asked me to call and book our massages. The Asian girl who answered the phone had a difficult time understanding me. I was asking to book on the coming Saturday and she managed to tell me that I could come at 10am or 5pm. As those weren’t my ideal times to go, I proceeded to ask her about the following Saturday (almost 2 weeks in advance) and she gave me the same time availabilities. By then I caught the drift. I asked her if by any chance if those were the only available times on Saturdays for Groupon certificate holders, and she chuckled and said yes. After asking her why she didn’t just tell me that from the beginning and having to explain what I had just said 3 times I went onto the next topic of asking if they are registered massage therapists and could get a receipt back to claim back from insurance. she said yes. Then I proceeded to try and book. I didn’t have the voucher numbers, D did, so after 20 wasted minutes on the phone I couldn’t book. So D called them back with the numbers.

 

This past Saturday, D and I went for our massages. We were given the address which was located on a busy street in a retail plaza but when we got there, found the place was around the back of the building with no signage in front. I was already leery,

 

We walked into the small salon  and had to fill out a lame form. I’m saying lame because I’ve had hundreds of professional massages through the years from a woman whose house I used to go privately to spas through my travels and no matter where I’ve gone, the first visit they normally have me fill out a form asking about health questions, issues why I am having the massage, any medications I’m on, a few more usual things and then sign a disclaimer. This form basically asked for name, address, phone number, email, date of birth, and occupation. I didn’t bother filling in the last two. And found out there was not going to be any type of receipt that could be used to claim back from insurance.

 

The older Asian woman at the desk in the tiny reception area proceeded to ask us what type of massage we wanted, offering a variety of choices from deep tissue to hot stone and about 5 more in between. The place was deserted so I asked her which masseuse specialist is on duty for that time and what does she specialize in. She responded by telling me her masseuses do every kind of massage. I smelled a rat. I’ve been at enough spas to know that when there are several types of massage offered there are several masseuses because they all specialize in one or two types of massage. I normally love a hot stone massage, but have had a few crappy ones in my lifetime and really needed my neck and shoulder worked on with deep massage so I opted for that.

 

The reception lady asked us if we wanted to go separately in rooms or have a couple’s room, which we opted for to enjoy together.  After we were instructed to get undressed down to our underwear and hop on to the tables, within a few minutes 2 young Asian girls came in. I was to have the deep tissue massage and D was have Shiatzu, only the 2 girls seemed confused as to who was having what and stood there for about 5 minutes chatting in their language before they each chose one of us to work on.

 

The massage part before the foot massage was to be 45 minutes. About 15 minutes into what was supposed to be my massage she was still warming up my body with the blanket on, rubbing my back in one spot as mother would rub a child’s back. I began getting tenser by the moment with displeasure. I finally lifted my head and asked her when she was going to start the massage and was she going to take off the blanket and use some oil. She chuckled that innocent little girl ‘oh yes’ chuckle and began rubbing my back in the same spot and method she had done with the blanket. Again I lifted my head, trying my best to not scream and with disciplined and forced patience I reminded her I came for a deep massage not a pat on the back. She began jabbing her elbows into my spine, certainly not a spot that felt good and didn’t bother to move her hands around to feel where the tight spots were. After several loud bursts of ‘ouch’ from me from her continuous elbowing my spine I snapped.

 

I wrapped the blanket around myself and sat up and pointedly told her that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. My cousin knew my patience had worn thin and I didn’t hear her moaning of any pleasure herself without having to tell her girl where to massage and repeated requests of asking for some pressure, but at least she was having some sort of massage.

 

Cousin D’s masseuse began speaking in her language to mine and my girl walked out. For another 5 minutes I just sat there and told D this was ridiculous and I’m getting dressed and waiting in the car. In that moment, an Asian MAN walks in our room, introduces himself as the manager and asks me what the problem is. I recapped the experience to him but I couldn’t make out much of what he said other than he’ll send in another girl and add back 15 minutes of time. By that time, the FULL BODY massage I’d paid for 45 minutes was well into half hour passed and the first girl had barely massaged only 1/4 of my lower back, hadn’t even touched shoulders or neck. The new young girl proceeded to start over with the ‘warm up’ and I told her to get moving with the real massage. By that time I was so tense from frustration and wanting to slap them all in the head that it would have taken a good masseuse to make me unwind. But no such luck.

 

I told her to work on my neck and shoulders, but she never once addressed any of the knotted tension spots on my upper back and never touched my neck where my tension is always held and was ready to combust. She then moved down to my calves, not massaging them but merely making a semi circle with 2 fingers on each hand and running her hand up and down my calves for about 30 seconds. And then she proceeded to attempt to give me a foot massage. She bent back my toes then pulled each one in succession and began Karate chopping my calves for another few seconds then asked me to turn over so she could do my arms (after reminding her she hadn’t yet touched them).

 

During this time my cousin’s massage was still ongoing and I could hear her pleasureful moans as her foot rub continued for some time. When my girl barely touched my forearms and hands for a few minutes I asked her if that toe rubbing thing she did on me was my foot massage, she chuckled with her naive laugh and said yes. In that moment my cousin’s timer went off, indicating her massage had come to an end and my girl put the blanket on me and informed me I was done too.

 

That was it! I darted up from the table and my anger and frustration was unleashed. I asked her how could my massage be over when my cousin and I started together and I’d lost nearly half an hour of nonsense no massage and waiting for another girl, and I was to have time lost made up. And then I blasted her for rubbing and pulling my toes for 2 minutes and telling me that was a half hour foot massage. I asked her if a foot massage was supposed to feel good because I wouldn’t know it. I told her that nobody knows what they’re doing in that place and it was the worst massage I’ve ever had in my life with not one but 2 girls. I continued to mutter my frustrations under my breath as I scurried to get the hell out of that room. My cousin followed not saying a word and I had no words left to say or I was going to scream at the top of my lungs at the disgusting, unqualified service they offered.

 

The woman at the desk proceeded to inform us we could leave a tip. I looked at her with death eyes and said in shouting voice “Are you kidding me????” I stormed out the door shouting out loud all the way to the car how horrendous that place was.

 

Lessons I learned:

 

  • Groupon reviews I read must have been bogus
  • When calling to book an appointment somewhere and communication isn’t understood with a receptionist, it’s a big indicator of worse things to come.
  • When you’re not asked at booking time what type of massage you are booking, it’s another indicator you’ll be getting a Jill of all trades, or maybe of none.
  • All signs that lead to misunderstood conversations and disorganization are a certainty for disappointment.

 

I will add after relaying my ungratifying massage situation to my sister, she informed me Groupon had tried to get her business to sign up with them to bring her more business. After she investigated how beneficial it would have been for her business – giving away car cleaning services for half price and minimal cash back from Groupon she declined to be part of it claiming it was an option for them to make money, rather  than for her as she’d be giving away labor-intensive work time to hope she gets a few more customers from it.

 

It’s possible that some of the Groupon certificates may be worthwhile such as certificates for discounts in restaurant or entertainment but I highly recommend reading the small print for services, and I’d call the business to inquire before purchasing vouchers.. Often there are many exclusions and inclusions that must be adhered to in order to get the benefit from the coupon.