D.G. Kaye on Relationships
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D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – May 2021 – The #Grief Process | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Well it’s been a very long year for me, and my thanks to Sally Cronin for keeping my spirit alive while I’ve been living the very recent loss of my husband. Sally has been generous with her resharing of past articles while I’ve been mostly absent from blogland and not fulfilling my monthly contributions to her Smorgasbord Blog Magazine. So in staying with the current theme of my life this year, my recent article is about Grief and touching on what one can expect on this journey, through my experience.

 

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – May 2021 – The #Grief Process

Hello to my wonderful Smorgasbord family.

I’d like to first say thank you to the so many of you who’ve been sending light, love and condolences with messages, emails, cards, and even some unexpected gifts. And a huge thank you to Sally for keeping my spirit alive here and beyond. Undoubtedly, I have a lifetime of stories to write about, and I’m not here today to write specifically about the 180 my life took not even two whole months ago, when my husband seemed to be getting sicker by the day and a palliative doctor came into the hospital room to talk to me about his ongoing care, before we’d even had confirmed results back from an oncologist. This was the beginning of the end.

 

Grief

 

But today’s article isn’t about all that what went down with my husband’s end of his life, but more geared toward the topic about what this series represents – Realms of Relationships, not just about relationships, but also about situations and emotions that we endure and or encounter in life in relationships, and how they affect us and how we deal with them.

So, for today, I’d like to share a bit about what I’m learning about how this grief process works, and since I’m currently living the nightmare, who better than me to share with you my experiences, straight from this proverbial horse’s mouth. And always remember, everybody’s own grief is unique, but one thing is for certain, there are definitely the same steps and stages involved in the grief process, and possibly a bit overly cliché sounding, but it is the old standard – the five stages of grief – Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance, which are, and will be components of the journey, no matter how one grieves. Yup, they’re real. There are variations for sure, which I’ll get into later. But suffice it to say, there are no shortcuts with grief.

 

despair

 

Books on grief are typically not our first ‘go to’ genre. Let’s face it, how many people want to read about end of life? But ahh, how many who’ve lived through a heart wrenching loss wish they had someone to help them understand the inner torment grief brings to the table, wishing they knew more about what to expect?

As I grew myself up by reading self-help books about growing self-esteem, reading true stories and situations about people and how they handled their hardships, it paid off helping me to learn what I needed to better myself. In the same circumstance, wanting to reach out and look for some way of relief from the grieving process, books and gatherings with people who’ve walked in the shoes, really can help too.

Now I’m not saying reading books about grieving will help us get out of our grief, but they can do several other things such as, allow us to feel with another who has walked in the same devastating shoes of unbearable grief; it’s almost like a feeling of camaraderie, like when we shake our heads as we read something that resonates, as if to affirm every single emotion and stage we’re going through as we read. It’s a natural instinct for us to want to connect with others who are familiar with all the new emotions we will go through.

Truly, I believe that only someone who has lived the journey can write these kinds of books, and you can be sure, somewhere down the road, I’ll be writing one of my own – one day, when the stinging rawness of my unacceptance at willing to face all the music I keep locked up in a compartment in my head so that at present, I can function and get on with the grueling things that demand attending to during my hours of grief, like, arranging funerals, Covid restrictions, two religions dilemma, and fulfilling my husband’s wishes, all in the same moments while my very own hell in my heart resides within. I will write a book.

I’ve read books all my life to try to better myself and learn, so naturally, and despite the fact that I haven’t been able to read for pleasure at present, a single page of any book since my husband began deteriorating, Only after he passed I had a hunger to devour books that could make me feel I wasn’t alone. I felt compelled to read a few books about grieving. I needed to know how people got through it all. I needed to learn about all the other goodies (sarcasm) I had to look forward to.

 

 

I was immediately drawn to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s work as a psychologist and her own experience with grief, and her work with people who’ve had near death experiences and came back to tell, which I’ve recently read – On Life After Death. . . .Please continue reading at Sally’s Smorgasbord.

 

Source: Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – May 2021 – The #Grief Process | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

 

©DGKaye2021

 

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D.G. Kaye is a nonfiction/memoir writer, who writes from her own life experiences and self-medicates with a daily dose of humor.

32 Comments

  • Joy Lennick

    You are in my thoughts Debby. There is no ‘quick-fix’ soluton for grief when we lose someone we love, as you are doubtless experiencing. You have to find your own ‘flow’ and go with it. When we lost my youngest brother – who seemed like the eternal optimist – disbelief was followed by numbness, and when my mother died, I was devastated as she was very special. When not `’dog-tired’ I kept busy and that helped. Please know that people do care, dear Debs. Thank heavens for your sense of humour! Big hugs. xxx

    • dgkaye

      Joy, my joy. You always lay it out, even with glass half full. I appreciate you and your wisdoms. And yes, disbelief and numbness are frequent visitors. Hugs my friend. <3 xoxo

  • Christy B

    Your share is honest, vulnerable, and will help so many, Debby. Thank you for it. I feel your rage about COVID too as it prevents medical care in time and continues to put distance between people in an already-too-short lifetime. I am so glad to hear though that you are finding comfort in reading and the tears come as that is part of the processing. Sending much love and thinking of you each day. The plan to go to the UK too sounds wonderful. You deserve the time away.

  • Olga Núñez Miret

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reflections. I am sure this will help many people who are going or will undergo the same process in the future. And writing, the same as reading, can be therapeutic, as you well know, so I am sure in the fullness of time you and all who read you, will gain a lot of insight and peace from your book. Stay safe, dear Debby.

  • John Maberry

    Many of us have been down the same path in one way or another, so we can sympathize–and even empathize. You are encouraging us as much as we are trying to encourage you.

  • Hilary Melton-Butcher

    Hi Debby – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is the ‘go to’ book to read … but it’s all so individual – I just feel for you … and am so glad to see Sally has been so supportive … as too your loyal readers. I find I learn as I read a variety of thoughts at this time of life … I feel for you, but feel you’re adapting … and it’s that mind process – so difficult early on … but the realisation of where help is, and where succour/care can be found as you become you and the whole happens, as the time is processed – most of us humans tend to remember the happy times and put aside the difficulties – after the event: there’s not much we can do. With love and thoughts and have peace – Hilary

    • dgkaye

      Thank you for your heartfelt analysis Hilary. Kubler Ross books make a lot of sense, but I’m also reading various others, of which, I find even more helpful. Thank you for your encouragement and advice. <3

  • Sean P Carlin

    Thanks for sharing these insights, Debby. I thinking reading about loss can not only help us grieve, but the mere act of reading itself forces us to slow down and listen to the thoughts in our head without digital disruption. Anything to facilitate the healing process is something worth trying.

      • Sean P Carlin

        No, the death of a loved one is a wound that never fully heals, I suppose; instead, it becomes emotional scar tissue: the pain subsides, and the discoloration fades with time, but its anomolous presence reminds us ever and always of the loss we’ve endured. Death seems to be the one thing that doesn’t get any easier with experience. Bu the spirit is a self-healing entity, so let it do its thing — however long it needs.

  • Diana Peach

    A beautiful post, Debby. I think that “affirmation” of our grief feelings is one of the most valuable things these books give us. They assure us that these horrible, desperate, strangling feelings are normal, that we’re not going crazy. When my brother was murdered, I was already working as a grief counselor, and I knew that what I was enduring was part of the grief process. That, at least, brought some comfort. Books about grief don’t erase the pain, but they can help us process the experience with greater understanding. Thanks for being so thoughtful and kind in sharing your experience. <3

    • dgkaye

      Thank you so much Diana. You said it succinctly, these books don’t erase the pain by a longshot, but exactly why I need to read them now to find a kinship with those who’ve been there before me and can articulate their own grief in circumstances. It’s reaffirming to know I’m not alone. <3

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