“Words may lay heavy; but guilt is the heavier burden” – D.G. Kaye
I have just learned that my mother is on her way to the next world. I pray it’s a better place for her. I always knew my day of reckoning would come, but never anticipated the roller coaster of emotions that would come with it.
I thought by writing my book Conflicted Hearts, that it would help me digest my life with my mother, yet I am now confronting emotions that I was sure I had put into a perspective where I knew how to handle the situation when finality was approaching. I don’t.
In these moments I’m juggling and am somehow petrified. There is a lot to this process of unsettled death. A daunting process of putting my emotions in a place where they can live comfortably.
I wish we could have been friends.
I wish you could have been my mother.
I wish you weren’t so bitter and could have found your way out of your sorrow and depression, instead of hiding in a damaged ego, surrounding yourself from yourself and everyone else.
I wish you would have allowed yourself to be loved.
I wish I could have known what drove you to your sadness.
I wish all my years of trying to make you see happiness would have succeeded.
I wish you didn’t have to suffer.
I wish you peace.
Addendum: I wrote this post yesterday October 28th. Today is October 29th. My mother has passed. Please excuse my absence for the next few days while I will be out of my home, sitting “Shiva” at my brother’s house until next Monday as is the custom in my religion.