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Relationship Repair when Apologies are Due | ADD . . . and-so-much-more

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Why is it some people have problems with apologizing, or find it hard to forgive? Below is an interesting post on the subject by ADD Coach, prolific blogger, and friend Madelyn, of the blog – ADD and So Much More

 

Just because we didn’t do something intentionally (“on purpose”), doesn’t mean the injured party is not entitled to a sincere apology for the reality that we were involved and that something was damaged – or somebody was hurt – as a result.

Apologizing doesn’t mean that you have been purposely wrong and that the other person is absolutely right. It means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

 

ADD/EFD oopses

 

Far more often than many of the neurotypical members of society, those of us with what I refer to as Alphabet Disorders (AD[h]D, EFD, TBI, OCD and more) tend to say and do things that get us into hot water with our friends and loved ones.

 

  • Unfortunately, according to a great many of my clients through the years, instead of cleaning it up and asking for forgiveness, we tend to allow hurt and resentment to fester as a result of our reluctance to apologize.
  • Even more often, we make things even worse by our bungling attempts at taking responsibility for our actions when we do attempt to say we’re sorry – making it even more difficult for us to decide to apologize in the future.

While we might argue that the above points are two sides of the same coin, shame (certainly a factor), I have observed that only a few of us truly understand HOW to apologize – so we tend not to offer them as often as they are deserved.

 

That’s unfortunate, because apologizing costs us nothing, means a great deal to those we have disappointed or offended, and is a relatively easy thing to learn to do in an effective manner.

 

8 Reasons we don’t apologize more readily & more often . . . Please continue reading

 

Source: Relationship Repair when Apologies are Due | ADD . . . and-so-much-more

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D.G. Kaye is a nonfiction/memoir writer, who writes from her own life experiences and self-medicates with a daily dose of humor.

61 Comments

  • adeleulnais

    I loved this article. I do tend to say sorry a lot, okay, all the time for the slightest thing, I think it is to do with my past, abused and constantly put down. xx

    • dgkaye

      Often that is the case Adele. You are a polar opposite to those who can’t muster the nerve to apologize, or perhaps believe they’ve done no wrong. 🙂

    • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

      Thank you for underscoring that point, Dianna – I know that this is a human-being problem, certainly not limited to ADDers, even though we do seem to create situations for which we need to apologize more often – rarely on purpose, but that’s not the point.

      I actually wrote the article as an attempt to explain apologies and apologizing after an incident with a *NON* ADD friend who couldn’t understand the point of apologizing again (ahem! sincerely) when he had already said he was sorry that I over-reacted after he “over-promised and under-delivered” – AGAIN. 🙂

      This “stuff happens, why is that MY fault?” attitude had already caused him problems at work, but I think this was the first time a friend ever called him out on it and “nagged” him to understand what was so problematic about this chronic behavior and why a sincere apology was due.

      He eventually got it, took steps to mend our relationship, and has been very careful about keeping his agreements with me since, but he never admitted reading the post (which is fine with me, btw).
      xx,
      mgh

  • Sarah Brentyn

    I absolutely love that first paragraph. Obviously, this goes deeper and I’ll read about that but, too often, someone will turn to me and say, “He didn’t do it on PURPOSE. Why are you so upset?!” Or something along the lines of he didn’t do it on purpose so I shouldn’t expect an apology. Um.

  • Tina Frisco

    Fantastic reblog, Deb. Madelyn has developed a very clear template on how to apologize and ask for forgiveness, something most societies don’t teach their children. Instead, we’re taught how to foster a dysfunctional ego, when the only proper function of ego is to keep us in form. Kudos to Madelyn for this terrific article and to you for sharing ??

  • Jacqui Murray

    I knew a girl/woman (she was just out of her teens) who didn’t believe in apologizing for anything. Own it. Move on. I appreciate the sentiment, but not the result. I didn’t stay friends with her.

    • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

      Good for you, Jacqui. She probably doesn’t realize it, but her attitude is actually abusive and it was a healthy step for you to jettison the former friendship. Unfortunately, lost relationships are often what happens when people don’t understand the value of a sincere apology and how to offer one.

      To reframe an old meme from an old film (Love Story), “Love means always being willing to say you’re sorry.”
      xx,
      mgh

        • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

          I quickly read your lovely comment on the post on my site, Sue, but don’t have time to respond sufficiently right now. I’m rushing to sprinkle content below on comments I won’t be able to locate “backstage” on my return.
          ~~~~~~~~~~

          I’m out the door until Thurs. (5/4) as soon as I “send.” Tink and I will be leaving for a cabin at a State Park in the hills of Kentucky with my friend Sam, whom I met in Knoxville, TN. when I was a freshman in college and we were both young and beautiful – lol – taking Social Dance because it counted as gym (and neither of us wanted to mess up our GPA’s and figured this would be an easy A).

          We had barely arrived when instructor told us to partner up – for the ENTIRE course. (Hmmmm – so which male can I stand to have pawing me for an entire quarter?) Sam was the only male in the class who was clearly not a jock, so I snapped him up. (I needn’t have worried, the athletes paired off with the cheerleaders) ?

          So began a life-long friendship, mostly by phone in the last decade or so – and we are both psyched to spend a few days catching up in person.

          I won’t be back online until Friday late-ish. Sam will be staying with me Thursday nite before driving home (and I have to deal with lease renewals and outside errands during the day).

          I hope your week is equally lovely – DITTO anyone else reading.
          xx,
          mgh

          • Sue Dreamwalker

            Dear Madelyn.. Please go and Enjoy yourself..That was enough comment back.. 🙂 I just hopped on this morning to check in my comments, I do not have time today to answer them all until tomorrow.. As Its my Birthday and I am off out.. Enjoy the rest of your week my friend.. And thank you for taking such time to respond.. I know you are a busy lady.. Much Love and take care.. xxx

          • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

            Cake? Did you have cake? 🙂

            Since going gluten free, I really miss cake – lol – so I attempt to satisfy my craving by getting others to describe their delights and tasting in my imagination.

            I’m glad to read that your birthday was wonderful and spent with loved ones.
            xx,
            mgh

          • dgkaye

            Just interjecting here, but I’m gluten-free and there are plenty of yummy cakes to be had in the health food store if you’re craving. I have to do my best to resist, lol. 🙂 <3

          • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

            Indeed?! I spent a small fortune on a great big cupcake that looked fabulous but was totally disappointing taste/texture-wise. Ditto a couple of bags of cookies, so I gave up and made friends with doing without for the sake of my health. It’s not like I ever ate cake all that often anyway.

            But maybe I’ll give it ONE more shot on your recommendation. 🙂

            I know GF cakes, pies and cookies can be baked at home if you’re willing to stock all the unfamiliar ingredients, but really?

            If I had that kind of “free” time I probably need to clean my apartment or handle the laundry – lol (or edit one of my books!! 🙂
            xx,
            mgh

          • dgkaye

            Omg you are just like me! Lol, I can cook, but I’m not the best baker, nor do I have interest or the many ingredients to bake that stuff, lol. Sweet earth makes some good stuff. And I buy these delish chocolate brownie squares for evening snack. They are made with cacoa and beans for thickness, not to mention low carb and calories, and delicious! In fact, I think they’re called ‘Shockingly delicious’, lol. Ya, it’s like a search and find for the goodies. When I first went GF I wasted a lot of money on things I ended up tossing because I didn’t like the taste. But oddly enough, there are many paleo desserts in the health food store that are delicious and made from wholesome ingredients, replacing flours are nut based crusts and such. Now if you love nuts like me, they are divine! 🙂 Just some food for thought. xx

          • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

            Thanks for the suggestions – and I do love nuts. I have stuck to the GF shelves in our local health food store (and, in the freezer section, they have some pricey breads that are actually as good as any I’ve had for the occasional sandwich jones), but I never thought about checking out Paleo goodies. DUH! Thanks for suggesting brands to look for too.

            Brownies! I bought a smallish GF mix (for an 8-1/2″ square pan) without reading that I had to add two entire sticks of butter to make them – so it sits on my pantry shelf for a time when I remember to buy extra butter and need to gain weight – lol – because I know I’d probably eat the entire pan in a day or two if they turned out to be wonderful (and mourn the loss of the butter if they did not.) Even then, I’d probably eat the entire pan anyway – eventually – maybe topped with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream to make them taste better. 🙂
            xx,
            mgh

          • dgkaye

            Ya, that’s the thing with many GF treats, they are full of sugar. That’s why paleo treats are good. I try to stay away from high carbs. Lol, I had to laugh at your 2 sticks of butter, in case you need to gain weight! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL 🙂 xx

          • Sue Dreamwalker

            Hi Madelyn. 🙂 yes A lemon cake I made.. My daughter makes some wonderful cakes with no sugar or flour… She made a beautiful one once with Avocado’s and other yummy things.. 🙂 xx

  • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC

    Still playing catch-up from a couple of weeks of life behind the eight ball, I jumped over here for a quick read before leaving Sunday (yes, tomorrow) for a mid-week 3-day “weekend” with a college friend I haven’t seen in years and WHOA! There was my own name on your site. I was floored (and delighted).

    Thank you SO much for promoting this article that is from LAST March, Debby. You are an angel. Only you would even find it, much less decide that it was worthy of another go-round, introducing it to your readership.

    To make SURE you know how much I appreciate your reblog, I just added a thank you at the end of the article, along with a link to a few of your book pages and your ABOUT. I know many of my readers would resonate strongly to your memoirs.

    Speaking of only you, how did you EVER manage to get your ducks in a row for your own recent – and much longer – getaway?

    I am getting behinder by the nano-second, trying not to panic because I have a list of things I must do before I can even begin to think about packing for a trip that is a mere eyeblink compared to yours. Clearly we do not have the calm planning gene in common.
    xx,
    mgh

    • dgkaye

      First of all Madelyn, thank YOU for adding my links to your post, that was kind. As I write about forgiveness in my last book, P.S. I Forgive You, your post resonated with me big time, and I had to share.
      ON another note, I’m so glad you’re going for a little getaway. And ha, you’re asking me about preparation? Lol, for me it doesn’t matter if it’s 2 days or 2 months, I still need lots of prep to travel. I start by making a list of things I must not forget to take – pills, passports, pillow – the essentials, and go from there. Before I leave I double check my list that everything is ticked off before I lock the door. LOL that’s how I roll. 🙂 xx Enjoy!

  • elainemansfield

    The other mode I notice even more is that women apologize for everything–for carts bumping in the grocery store, for being ahead in line, for breathing. Men? Not so much. Great topic. Thanks and sorry I’m so behind. Life with family gets in the way of sitting at this computer. Huge needed change.

    • dgkaye

      Nice to see you Elaine. Never apologize – we are all behind, lol. Glad you’re enjoying your family. And I wish more people would apologize. Where I live, people are always banging in to each other with carts, leaving them in middle of aisles, downright rude, barely an apology. Civilization is turning rather aggressive and it irks me to no end. Just sayin’! 🙂

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