The last cliffhanger I left you with for my first 2021 post, my husband’s illness, my nonfunctioning leg, and our shower ceiling caving in, have been keeping me quite busy lately. The onslaught at everything coming at me has put me in introvert mode. I am 99 percent an extrovert and one percent introvert. When I get in introvert mode, it’s an introspective thing where I need to close myself in – not quite at the part where I’m digesting things and trying to find my way around what seems my new life.
When I get quiet, my mind is very busy. And until I can come to resolutions and/or acceptance I need to go within myself, not ready to share with others what I haven’t yet digested myself. So for those good friends of mine who check in with me daily and silently know that when I’m ready I’ll spill, thank you.
I feel right now my life is at a crossroads of many things – some I can’t peg, yet, I know are brewing, and some I’m having a difficult time facing. I don’t know if this past year was a catalyst for or if because of the isolating life we’ve been living alone together 24/7, it has allowed me to watch and be part of as my husband’s health issues persist. In a flash I seemed to have gone from wife to caregiver.
As I long for the days of Covid to pass so I can resume living, I’m just as anxious about when the time for living does come back. Because the living I’ve known for over 20 years now, is not and will not be the same. Since just before the new year, my husband has been accumulating fluid daily. This happened five years ago when he was first diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver. He was drained and put on two types of heavy-duty diuretics. One in particular was specific to pulling fluid from the liver area. The combo finally got properly dosed and worked well for the past five years. Then late last fall, a side effect of one of the pills, retaining too much potassium, was raising hub’s levels and had to be cut down. Thus the fluid buildup came back – except it’s not going away anymore so he’s now that guy who Dr. B told me about five years ago when I asked him if this fluid retention would come back. He’d told me he had patients who had to have a paracentesis every month, but maybe my hub would be luckier, I’d hoped. We had a good ride for five years, but now my husband has been going every two weeks for draining (Paracentesis). They can only get out approximately four of the ten litres he carries (we know by weight). Four days later he gains it all back. Last week I spoke with Dr. B and he’s moved the procedure up to once a week. We have to sign consent papers every time he has this done because of course the danger of inserting the long needle in his side with a drain tube, guided by ultra sound, done by a radiologist, has its risks. Today is drainage day again, thankfully.
My life has changed so much, considering there’s been no real living going on. Last February we were in Mexico, we came home mid March and the next day was lock down. My husband fell ill the day before travel home day, and life has been unwell ever since. Just like that, snap, our lives changed, during lockdown. My husband will not be going back to work of course, so I never got to experience that transition time from when he went to work a few days a week and loved to run errands, giving me my personal time. He always needed to be busy. So he got involved, voluntarily with some household jobs – emptying dishwasher and the many garbage cans. Then he’d take some garbage down the end of the hall to the chute, and the rest to the recycle bins in the parking level. It gave him something to do and he enjoyed it. I don’t enjoy it quite so much, but I’ve relieved him from his duties. The days before draining days he walks on a walker because his legs are like lead.
Current prognosis on past events:
So it took three weeks and various shades of yellows, greens blues and purples, but as of four days ago, I can walk proper without limping. I’m pretty sure I tore my calf muscle. It was painful and only a few days later the bruising was down my whole calf, ankle, and foot. I was using hub’s walker for over a week. So I guess there wasn’t enough excitement when I stubbed a toe bang on, precisely to the corner of the TV stand. I don’t remember feeling that kind of pain in many years. After sitting down and holding my foot for ten minutes til the initial throb wore down, I hobbled to the freezer door, below the fridge doors. I opened it and put my foot right among the frozen vegetable bags and stood there with the door opened for a good five minutes. It helped a lot. The pain was gone. The next day however, 3 toes and half my foot up were purple and I couldn’t move two toes. But, as of this writing, I have movement back. I am definitely blaming this shyte on Mercury Retrograde. Our shower was fixed and retiled almost two weeks ago, and we’re awaiting the new shower door. Until then, I’m grateful for the clear, shower curtain and temporary bar they put up for the meantime.
Two nights ago I had to call 911 as my husband slid to floor trying to get out of bed at 130am to go to washroom. I could not lift him for all the tea in China and was forced to admit my defeat and call for help. I realized my superhuman powers are limited after watching two EMS guys struggle to finally get him up. They were very kind and gave me some helpful tips to help ‘seniorize’ things at home. They are also going to set up some help to come in a few days a week to help with hubby, so I’m looking forward to that part.
So yes, as you can see, there’s a lot I’m swallowing right now as my first priority is my husband, but in my head and as I witness my husband’s health decline, it’s all still so raw and very tough for me to witness and accept, as I’m having to learn to accept that things will never again be the way they were.
So that’s my update. I felt since I’d posted about the mayhem going on in my life, my readers at least deserved a follow up.
Never take life for granted for it can be snatched in the blink of an eye.