Kindness, Tears and Loving Beyond – #Grief and Loss

Unexpected kindness is the small things, ordinary things someone kind may do in passing, like when someone sends us a card to let us know they’re thinking of us as a lovely gesture, often without them realizing how a simple gesture can mean so much and can bring a smile – or a tear.

 

I’ve received some lovely cards – both physical and ecards, as well as many messages, and it is comforting and humbling to know that people hold us in their thoughts. Yes, I do realize I keep saying ‘us’, as old habits die hard. I remember reading in quite a few books, how grievers tend to speak about their lost loved one in the present tense, as though they are still here. I am guilty of this as in my heart my beloved is still here with me. I don’t know that I shall ever use the past tense for my husband.

This journey of grief is certainly not for the faint-hearted. The ripples and waves, and sometimes tsunamis of grief roll through randomly and unexpectedly 24/7. Tears splash so easily – a thought, a memory, a condolence, a photo, loneliness, even opening the fridge door and catching a glimpse of his favorite foods will set off a new stream of waterworks. The smiles aren’t as plentiful as it literally hurts my heart to smile sometimes.

The tears are a constant release of pain that ooze out through the eyes, somewhat allowing the heart a tiny bit more of breathing room – until the pool refills itself, something that stuns me, the abundance of tears that never cease to replenish.

The only comfort for me in this time is being able to talk about my husband and all the good and funny things about him. But these talks only satisfy me if they are with someone who knew him well, because they could appreciate the moments with me. And then there is music, but most days I find songs too painful to listen to so I’ll resort to mindless TV.

It’s barely been six weeks since I laid my husband to rest in the double-decker grave I bought for us, yet, the pain in my heart feels like it’s been trodden over for years.

Every new day brings with it yesterday’s sorrow within. I miss my husband terribly and I can’t help but wonder if it will ever get easier. But one thing I know for sure, I will always love him from the core of my being, and not time or anyone can take that away from me.

I’ve been humming a song in the back of my mind lately. It’s a passionate song about loving someone forever, and it’s a beautiful Italian song that I always loved, only now, it’s taken on so much more meaning. Al Di La means ‘Next Life’ or ‘Above and Beyond’, I will love you beyond the beyond. This song was made famous from the 1962 movie – Roman Adventure starring Suzanne Pleshette and Troy Donahue.

 

Take a listen. And if you would like a direct translation of the lyrics, you can find them here.

 

 

©DGKaye2021

 

A Short Visit and a Variety of Thoughts and Happenings

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I thought I could do everything. But I can’t. My first priority is, as has always been my loving “Puppy”, and our time together is growing short. I am his caregiver. I am his wife. And he is the love of my life, so I need not have to elaborate how triply difficult this journey is. Trying to suck it all up 24/7 so I can keep him happy and talk about happy things.  I may have done wrong by keeping him optimistic, knowing full well I was lying to myself and him. But I am newly over denial, and reality sucks.

I’ve taken this quiet time out to post here for a bit of this and that, and not quite sure when I will get the time to write again as my husband is in end stages, palliative at home, every day is stolen time. This whirlwind mountain of actual what the fuck, had taken me into a tailspin since the horrifying diagnosis and me trying to make like there was hope when there is none. I will also blame goddamned Covid and no doctor visits because I believe if they saw him in the past year, all the tests would have been done then. So yes, I BLAME COVID, like the thousands of people dying of non Covid ailments because of no doctor visits.

I won’t even allow myself to think of our good times, as that would just throw me over the edge. I function on autopilot. I do whatever I can, and if it means a few weeks of no sleeping, so be it. I’m 24/7. My always strong, smiling, loving husband is like my child now and I continue to fight for him, and I am thrilled at the most amazing doctors and palliative teams of nurses and personal support workers, and our country’s health system. I’m getting a bird’s eye view of what goes on when you’re actually living the experience.

This is the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life. And it’s something you can’t begin to explain. One who has walked the shoes only knows how affecting it is to be an eye witness. I’m an empath. These are the parts in books and movies I squint my eyes at, or fast forward. I feel the pain and the sorrow of others, and it’s cutting. And I’m smack in the middle of it. I cannot allow myself the time to grieve as I’m living it and because I must soldier on. I cannot allow my brain to wander over to the ‘after’ part and all that comes – and leaves, with it. So I don’t focus on it, I just keep to what’s in front of me one day at a time.

So much is going on daily here with nurses and support workers and phone calls and and medical supply deliveries, and I had to call 911 for the last time last Sunday again to try and save him one more time. He came home Thursday by ambulance to live the time he has left, at home with his Cub. I’ve learned to operate in numb-like mode, on autopilot. I dare not take any thought of what will be when he is no more. He is now bedridden since his last return and won’t eat, only sleeps. I thought I was losing him Thursday night, but my warrior husband is still here. He can’t talk but he can nod his head.

We’ve struggled our whole marriage about where we would ‘go’ once we leave this earth, as our religions are different and I never wanted to talk of such things. My bad indeed.  But I am grateful to my brother who did the legwork for me, and I have an appointment on Monday to purchase plots ten minutes away from where I live. They have a section for inter-faith marriages – something that was sparse 20 years ago.  I’m pretty sure I’ll need a Valium on Monday.

Time is very precious at this time, and I’m plum worn to the bone, so I’m not sure when I will post again. But I wanted to update you all here, as I’ve been getting so many emails, texts and messages of love and support from many of my friends and answer only when I get a short minute. I know my very good friend Sally Cronin has been keeping my online presence alive and I’m sorry I can’t like, comment or share, but just know, I will be back after this journey. I most definitely won’t be the same person as I once was, but surely, I will have much to write about.

Thank you all for your love and support and keep the love coming as somehow, it does help.

 

©DGKaye2021

bitmo live laugh love

Because life is never guaranteed.

Sharing – Four letter word – The Silent Eye by Sue Vincent

I wanted to share this most beautiful post by Sue Vincent on a simple four letter word – LOVE.  Who do you love?

 

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“Who do you love best?”

I overheard a conversation between mother and her small child and remembered my own sons asking me this question when they were very small. I imagine it is one many children throw at their parents and we reassure them, almost automatically, that we love them the same. It isn’t true, though is it? We may love them equally… in fact, I think by the very word love we are assuring them that we do, but we don’t love them ‘the same’.

Have you ever stopped to think about it? Such a small word for such a range of human emotions! The love we have for parent, sibling, friend, child or lover is always different. The colour of love may change, but it is impossible to quantify and all its colours, like those of the spectrum, blend and merge to make a love that encompasses all. There is no loving more or less… it simply is. There are no two loves alike, just as there are no two people identical, not even twins. Everyone is unique and so are our relationships with them.

We can like someone more than another, we can relate to them better, we can feel that odd attraction/repulsion that can be so strong… we can apply all sorts of other emotional overlays, both negative and positive, to the relationship; respect, sympathy, compassion… and all the rest. We can prefer the company of one, know light-hearted laughter with one friend, share an interest in books or butterflies with another, feel tenderness towards a child or a lover, fall hopelessly… or hopefully… in love, or burn with the flame of passion. We can be dutiful as children, loyal as friends… We can even find that miracle that seems to complete us. Or we can love in the hope that love will be returned. So many aspects to something both so simple yet so very complex it seems, yet it is the foundation of every human relationship by its presence… or absence. And it is such a small word. . . please continue reading at Sue’s Silent Eye blog.

 

Source: Four letter word – The Silent Eye

 

 

Love, Fear, and Gratitude – Guest Post by Tina Frisco… | Chris The Story Reading Ape’s Blog

Reblog and featuring

 

A beautiful and insightful post from Tina Frisco on opening our hearts to gratitude to overcome fear and receive love – “We must keep our hearts open and act from love instead of reacting from fear . . .”

 

love heart

 

What is love? Not romantic love, but the essence of love, pure and unadulterated. Pure love lightens and enlightens. But what is it? In truth, love can’t be defined; we can only talk around it. In attempting to de-fine it, we con-fine it and thus lose it. Love simply is. And love is our true nature.

What is the opposite of love? Many would say hate. Seems logical, right? When we’re not sitting in love, expanded and with an open heart, we’re struggling to keep our heads above the quicksand of raw emotion. Truth is: the opposite of love is fear. All that isn’t love stems from fear. Love and fear are our primeval baseline emotions.

So what is this seemingly ubiquitous, all-consuming emotion we call fear? When we constrict – when our hearts close, our muscles tighten, our thoughts ricochet, our spirits dim – we sit in fear, unable or unwilling to be present to all around us. Like love, fear cannot be defined; but it can be characterized.

When the heart closes, fear is at the helm. And if we’re not careful, it will control our every thought and deed while masquerading as benign feelings. Fear is at the root of prejudice, hate, anger, grief, anxiety, depression, and all that’s not conceived of love. Continue Reading

 

Source: Love, Fear, and Gratitude – Guest Post by Tina Frisco… | Chris The Story Reading Ape’s Blog

The R’s of Life – Chapter Six – Romance – The biggest Fairy Story of them all | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

Festisite Reblog

Today I’m sharing a post I found poignant and important to all of us regarding romance and what it takes to keep the light and the love strong, the fires burning – The biggest Fairy Tale of them all.

 

I’ve posted another of Sally Cronin’s chapters HERE previously about relationships from this new book she’s writing on her blog called The R’s of Life.

 

I highly recommend making yourselves a cup of coffee and reading Sally’s post on romance and all that’s involved to create a lasting relationship. If you’re anything like me, you may even require a tissue while reading.

R's of life

In this chapter, a light-hearted look at romance. Well partly light-hearted, as there are some elements of this universally sought after state of bliss that can be from the dark side. 

 

Have you ever wondered why the classic fairy stories that involve a beautiful farmer’s daughter, scullery maid or even a princess, who are swept off their feet by a handsome and rich stranger on a white horse; end with the words ‘And they lived happily ever after’? . . .Continue Reading 

Source: The R’s of Life – Chapter Six – Romance – The biggest Fairy Story of them all | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

#Christmas Holiday Wishes – My Christmas Wish

Xmas wish

I’d like to take this time to wish all of my friends here a very Merry Christmas and happy holiday season. Yes, I love saying Merry Christmas, and with the world full of political correctness, just about everything that’s said seems to be getting some sort of scrutinizing, but there are just some phrases that remain a part of us.

 

I’m not of the Catholic or Christian faith, but since childhood, I was smitten with the magic of Christmas. Sure, I was captivated by the glistening of Christmas lights on the city streets, and I yearned for a Christmas tree to have in my home in all its shining glory, but Christmas time is so much more than lights and presents.

Xmas tree2

 

Christmas for me is a time to remember the importance of friends and family, a time to reflect on the year about to pass. It’s also a time where I miss loved ones who have passed, just a little bit more, and most of all, a time to remember gratitude.

 

The world seems to be in such a volatile state these days. There is much doubt and faith, many questions unanswered, too much violence, and greed. My wish is that mankind could revisit goodness, kindness, and compassion, and remember to be grateful for some of life’s most mundane things we so often take for granted.

 

heart hands

I’m remembering my loss of my loved ones, and with that in mind, it serves to remind me just how precious life is. I’ve watched suffering, and I’ve been stunned at how in a moment’s notice a loved one can be snatched from our lives, sometimes even without warning, without a sign of illness. These types of reminders show us how quickly life can turn on a dime.

 

Let us remember our lost loved ones by holding them dear in our hearts, and remember the love we hold for those who are all here with us now. Let us find joy in our hearts for every little thing we have, and remember gratitude for every single day we are gifted with another day of living.

 

unity

 

If we can all learn to let go of some of the hurt and uncertainties that dwell within us and turn that into forgiveness and hope, maybe as a unified chain of positivity, we can help to make the world a better place. This is my Christmas wish.

 

Wishing you all happiness and health and peace for now, and for all the years to come.

 

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DGKaye©December 2015

How much is the Heart capable of holding?

Today's thought

Things we carry in the pocket of our heart:

Love         – For all those in our life; past and present.

Pain          – For everyone we know that are hurting.

Hurt          – From all those who have slighted us along the way.

Guilt          – Infliction by those closest to us.

Joy             – From everyone and everything given to us.

Passion     – For all the things we love.

Memories – A lifetime full from as far back as we can remember.

Isn’t it remarkable, the amount of life that one organ which sustains us, is capable of holding?

Just a thought.

DGKaye©2013

Is The Heart a Lonely Hunter?

happy love laugh
How can everyday seem like a lifetime, yet 25 years feel like only yesterday? 
 Distance and time don’t stray very far from the heart.  Time doesn’t always change everything, some things are buried deep in the core of one’s heart.
  If your heart is big enough, lots of memories and love may be stored there for an eternity. 
DGKaye©2013