Welcome to my third part in my empath series at Sally Cronin’s Smorgasbord Blog Magazine. In this post I’m explaining how to deal with people who drain our energy – also known as energy vampire suckers. Narcissists also fit into this category perfectly.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Spiritual Awareness – Empaths and Energy Sucking Vampires and Narcissists by D.G. Kaye
Explore the spiritual side of our natures as D.G. Kaye shares her experiences and research into this element of our lives.
Empaths and Energy Sucking Vampires and Narcissists
Welcome back to my part three in this series of Empaths and Energies. In the first two episodes, I spoke of empaths and how to shield negative energies. In this segment I am using the popular term used for those that drain our energies – Vampires.
It should be no big surprise that empaths attract both, energy sucking vampires and narcissists, who are often associated as being energy sucking vampires as well. As I spoke about before, empaths absorb the emotions of others, are sensitive to other’s energies, and often are like human lie detectors. As an empath myself, I often refer to myself as a ‘soul reader’.
A soul reader is a highly in-tuned empath who has the uncanny ability to read between the lines when people speak – or don’t speak. We can see the invisible mask. we can hear the words that are unspoken, we know what goodness or mal intentions are held secretly when we hear their words and even the words omitted.
Empaths often attract people with problems because of their sympathetic natures, but are also an open target for energy vampires and narcissists because of their open vulnerability to receive energies – good and bad. Empaths often hide their own problems and have an overwhelming want to try and solve the problems for others. Narcissists in particular, can spot this vulnerability. Weaker and troubled souls are often attracted to empaths because an empath’s personality gives off the energy that they are compassionate and open to receive. Narcissists especially love to gravitate to empaths because they see us as easy targets to manipulate because of our open to receive nature.
Energy sucking vampires are often deeply wounded individuals who have been hurt in their current or past lives. They may have been beaten, demeaned, or bullied themselves and wish to project same onto others. They may have grown up in abusive families. They have somehow been unempowered somewhere in their lives, which can instill a sense of entitlement as a compensation for something they didn’t receive when they were younger, or worse, because of mental or physical abuse or neglect they experienced at some point in their lives, such as unresolved childhood pain. Often, these people cannot see the light so they create scenarios where they must put themselves in the spotlight to feel empowered and better about themselves.
Narcissists often adopt behaviors that will help them gain favor from people. They lack compassion, remorse and refuse to acknowledge or admit the errors of their ways. Sadly, positive psychology won’t heal a narcissist or an energy sucking vampire because these people would never admit their weaknesses. Empaths must learn how vampires operate and help themselves because vampires don’t change. An empath’s biggest struggle is to learn ‘no contact’ with such individuals. Many empaths have had a vampire parent. I most certainly can say I did. I grew up with a narcissistic, energy sucking vampire, known as my mother.
It took me over 50 years to learn how to deal with my own mother. It was painful to be around her, and even as a young child, I knew instinctively something wasn’t right with her.
I analyzed her for 50 years before I figured out why out of us four children, she sucked the most from me and preyed on my emotions and compassion – because she knew how vulnerable I was to emotions, knew she could manipulate me with guilt, and knew how much I feared her to stray from her stronghold. But I finally put it all together, and after years of literally feeling as though my insides were being torn out and twisted by my mother’s reign, I did the hardest thing I ever had to do, despite how sad I felt to abandon her. I walked away. I stopped lowering my vibrations to her level to continually appease her. Being addicted to rescuing others is dangerous to our health.
So what can we do to help our empathic selves from becoming drained by these narcissists and energy sucking vampires? …Please continue reading at Sally Blog for some helpful methods to deal with energy draining people.
HOW TO AVOID BEING DRAINED BY ENERGY SUCKERS WITH SHIELDING AND TOOLS TO AID IN CLEARING
As empaths we absorb thoughts, feelings, and emotions of others. We are highly sensitive to energies, people, places, and nature.
For those of us who are empaths and often find ourselves being caught up in people’s orbits who constantly lean to us when their life is in turmoil, just know there is help for us to shield ourselves from being drained by low energies, we have only to learn how to use these tools.
The difference between being empathetic and being an empath is empathetic people feel for someone’s unhappy situation whereas an empath actually takes in the vibes of that someone, almost like a sponge absorbing feelings, and feels their emotion within, regardless of the emotion they are giving off whether happy, sad, angry etc.
When we’re around negative people giving off their vibes and toxic energy, there are a few things we can do to repel those energies from penetrating into our own emotions.
How can we avoid attracting these negative energies when we’re empaths who tend to attract too many feelings? Only what we allow ourselves to give our power to is what can affect us. What permits other’s energy to enter us is when we sympathize with them, leaving us feeling compelled to help. We as empaths, have a dire need to fix people, creating a bond between us and the person in need. We absorb their need for help and that energy stays within us, depleting our own positive energy.
A good head start to avoiding energy draining is to stay protected by first paying attention to our senses. If we begin to feel sensory overload from toxic energy, we must train ourselves to create a mental shield for protection. If we are able to pick up energies, we are certainly capable of learning how to create mental shields. Besides learning how to shield, it’s important to learn to recognize whose energies around us are stealing our good energy and learning how to keep those people out of our spaces. To limit the amount of people who steal our energy, we must learn to practice avoiding such people. But there will always be times when people will enter our orbit and we may not be able to avoid them, and in those times, it’s time to turn on the shielding.
HOW TO SHIELD
In order to stay grounded and not enable bad energies to seep into our psyches we must first ground ourselves and set intention. By setting intention we first focus on our desire to shield and sending good vibes out to the universe. Often, setting these intentions will drive vibrations, sometimes making the negative person wanting to leave our presence on their own volition, not wanting the good we project. But we won’t always get that lucky so we must learn how to deflect.
Picture yourself centered surrounded by pink light. Close your eyes and visualize yourself being poured over with pink light from above your head right down all around you, down through your feet, finishing and sealing yourself in with that light going just below the ground. This ensures you are completely sealed as though you are in a bubble. It may help to envision liquid pink bubbles of light being poured over your head and protecting you like a big round soap bubble. Pink light is ethereal and provides a semi-permeable shield, meaning while it repels negative energies it can still allow your good vibes and loving energy to flow out of it becoming a filter of sorts.
The beauty of shielding is that it can be done anywhere, and nobody has to know what we’re doing. We can be out in public, at somebody’s home or halfway around the world and we have this ability to use it anywhere. We can also use the shielding in our own home when we’re feeling overwhelmed from a guest in our home or from negative energies which may have been left behind after someone left or even if we’re just watching TV and listening to negative news.
At home, we can also use objects to keep our work or living space clean from negative energies by setting up an area we like to spend time in with plants (energy absorbers), negative energy repelling crystals and protective stones, and objects symbolic to us specifically such as: Buddhas or angels or any other meaningful items we desire to provide psychological shielding. If we find we are often drawing in negative energies, keeping protective crystals on our person, in our pocket, purse or under our pillow help to deflect negative energy. You will never see me without wearing a stone or crystal somewhere on my person.
Do keep in mind that we don’t have to wait till we feel like we’re in the midst of toxic energy to begin shielding. We can practice shielding at home and do it as a once a week precaution. Take a good minute to prepare your intention and clear you mind and spend a few more minutes envisioning the shield you cast around yourself and focusing on positive messages. . . Please continue reading at Sally’s blog for more shielding exercises …
Sally Cronin is running a wonderful new series at her Smorgasbord Blog Magazine dubbed, ‘Lucky Dip’. Sally peeks into posts from the past on blogs and chooses one to feature. She recently chose and featured an older post by me, warning people how not to get scammed on social media.
Since this series began in January 2018 there have been over 1000 Posts from Your Archives where bloggers have taken the opportunity to share posts to a new audience… mine.
The topics have ranged from travel, childhood, recipes, history, family and the most recent series was #PotLuck where I shared a random selection of different topics. This series is along the same lines… but is a ‘Lucky Dip’
In this series I will be sharing posts from the half of 2022
It is an opportunity to showcase your writing skill to my readers and also to share on my social media. Which combined is around the 50,000 mark. If you are an author your books will be mentioned too, along with their buy links and your other social media contacts. You can find out how to participate at the end of the post.
Today author D.G. Kaye shares her thoughts on those that prey on others on social media, and in particular those going through the very difficult process of grieving.
What’s Up With #Scammers who Prey on #SocialMedia
As many of you know, I lost my husband just over a year ago. For me and my grief, it may as well be yesterday because the excruciating pain of missing the love of your life doesn’t go away. I thought I’d just post this reminder because it’s truly astounding that predators lurk everywhere seeking out vulnerable people.
Since my husband’s passing, and much of it spent in Covid seclusion at the worst time of one’s life, I had turned to joining some online grief groups. I felt it may be a place I can be with like-minded people and those who’ve walked the walk, those who know how painful grief is, and that they may be places of comfortable harbor for me sometimes. But sadly, the amount of men who wangle their way into these groups hoping to seek out the vulnerable, seems to be ever-growing.
Personally speaking, these groups do not help me at all, yet, I continue to pop in for some words of solace. But because I consider myself a great Facebook ‘FBI’ profiler, I always click on the pages of those stalkers who continually message or leave messages in replies to my comments. Almost all of them seem to have lonely pages with barely a post, as though they specifically joined FB to lurk and lure.
I get many requests, compliments, and sweet nothings from plenty of lunatics on FB, but these grief pages top the charts with lurkers. These places are like a magnet for loveless losers to prey. How many times on the news are we warned about scammers, yet, so many still get caught in this web. It’s up to us all to do our due diligence and check out first, who we think we are friending and allowing into our personal circles. And I might add, the people who run these delicate group pages should also be more diligent when screening applicants who join these groups. It only takes me a moment to figure out many profiles are bogus, bots or that they have ill intentions. Why can’t a moderator do the same?
I’m a moderator in four different FB groups, and every time I get a request from someone who wants to join one of my groups, I take the time to visit the applicant’s page and schmooze around to see what they post, what they do, their ‘about’ page, and decide if they fit into my group. If all the prerequisites aren’t met, I don’t admit them. . . Please visit Sally’s post to continue reading by clicking the link below
I was recently invited by Sally Cronin to begin a new spiritual series at her Smorgasbord Blog Magazine. I used to write articles for our Fey blog that Colleen Chesebro used to run, but life was getting busy for Colleen, and she was running a few blogs, so something had to give. I had copied all my articles before Colleen closed off that blog over a year ago, but I also moved my blog platform back to WordPress last fall, and somehow during the migration of my material, my spiritual posts were half lost. So I’ve been revamping and rewriting in this series. Last week, I shared the first post in this series on Empaths and Communicating Through Spiritual Energy. I hope you enjoy reading.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Spiritual Awareness – Communicating Through Spiritual Energy – #Empaths – By D.G. Kaye
Explore the spiritual side of our natures as D.G. Kaye shares her experiences and research into this element of our lives.
Empaths and Spiritual Communication through Energy
Thanks for rewinding my spiritual series, Sally, which I’d originally written for my Sisters of the Fey blog, which is now out of circulation. Written in 2020, but no doubt still applicable.
Perhaps it’s these crazy times we’re all living in, but for people who are Highly Sensitive Persons also known as HSPs, and for those of us who are empaths with similar traits, I’ve found these last few months, and in particular these last few weeks of world-wide protests for justice, weighing me down with a heavier than usual load to carry, emotionally.
For us sensitives, we are uber sensitive to the energies emitted when the hurt in the world becomes insurmountable. For empaths and HSPs, we don’t necessarily have to be directly in front of one person to pick up energies. We can also take in the collective. And I can tell you, absorbing too much of the negativity going on in the world can be very affecting.
Empaths are ultra-compassionate people, and it’s no surprise that we are feeling way too much in this time of the world.
The question has often been asked – what is an empath, and what makes empathy different from sympathy? So today I’m going to break it down.
Empaths can literally feel the emotions of another. An inner-knowing through a feeling of invisibly transmitted energy, is how I’d explain it. I suspect every empath has their own unique abilities about how they receive messages, just as many sensitive people, including psychics and mediums, feel spirit using one particular sense.
For example, I can sense when spirits are around me by a sudden drop in my body temperature to downright shivering, no matter the degrees it is in the room. I also sense spirit by scent. I don’t see or hear ghosts, but I sense their presence when the room I’m in suddenly begins to feel very chilly to the point that my teeth chatter as the rest of me shivers. I can smell a distinct odor of Export A cigarette smoke just as I always did when my father entered a room and when he now visits me from ‘the other side’. I get the same feeling when a mysterious waft of a certain sweet scent of perfume fills the air when my Aunty Sherry pays me a visit. Not surprisingly, I’m the only one who can smell these visitors if I’m not alone.
But I digress, I was talking about receiving empathic messages before I got lost on the ghostly messages, lol. My superpower? I like to say, I read souls. I can read and feel emotions – yes, goodness, anger, sadness, evil and every emotion in between. It’s not always a good thing, that’s for sure, but it does come in handy for sizing up situations. How to explain?
How does an empath absorb the emotions of others? I can only speak from my own experience, and the best way I can explain it is – In person, it only takes a few minutes for me to sense emotions from looking through the eyes – beyond the eyes, into the soul, so to speak. Body language and words also transmit energy. Certainly, we’ve all heard some of the old clichés like – ‘the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife’. That example of thickened air is a good indicator of what an empath picks up on whenever encountering negative energy. Empaths can feel the emotions given off by others. Like I previously mentioned, I would describe it as an energy transmission – communication through absorbed energy.
I am like a sponge or a Bounty paper towel, and have therefore, learned through the years, where to keep myself away from to avoid absorbing certain energies from attracting to me. Again, hard to explain, but I’m sure almost every one of us has had a superstitious moment in life where we’re convinced there is a black cloud hanging over us, or have once felt that someone has cast an evil spell on us or maybe we just plain feel like bad luck is surrounding us. These examples are what an empath feels when we pick up negative energies about a person. And that person doesn’t have to be physically in our presence for energies to bounce off us. And not to mislead anyone, empaths pick up both good and bad energies – no discrimination. It’s just that attracting the negative energies are harder to repel. And it’s no surprise when an empath is accused of being ‘moody’ that an energy can certainly have us changing our minds like the wind.
A good example of picking up collective energies is when we’re watching the news. There really is no good news on the news and by watching too much sadness, our energies become ‘empathetic’ to the pain and sadness of others. My heart gets heavy, and my concentration is shot as my heart prefers to lead my mood. Just as when we’re around a celebration and our hearts are full, we’re going to feel joyful because that is what surrounds us. And those good energies are like refueling from being drained from other bad energies. It’s a cycle for an empath, but there are ways to help deter attracting those energies by learning how to shield.
Empathy is different from sympathy in that having sympathy is more of an offering of condolence as we may feel sorry for someone because of their loss, but we do not feel that person’s actual grief as an empath can by taking in the griever’s actual feelings and emotions. Our own bodies can feel the pain of others – as though we’re walking precisely in their shoes.
Some may think it must be so cool to have this ability, but honestly, I’d rather not have it. Being an empath isn’t something we typically train to become, but rather, it’s an inherent or unconscious developed trait. Psychics, spiritualists, witches, and earth angels are more notoriously known for having empathic abilities, but one doesn’t have to be any one of these in order to be an empath.
Being an empath is sometimes referred to as ‘a gift’, but it’s not always a gift. Many people are empathic. And many more may be but are not aware of their ‘gift’, and some are often hindered by it.
It’s been asked many times, does one just become an empath? Is it inherited? Is it learned? Well, I’ve heard various takes on the subject, but one thought of interest stuck out to me: Some empaths don’t realize that their desire to help others sometimes stems from a lack of nurturing as a child, resulting in an unconscious need to help others. I think that’s just one possible method of how a person can be transformed into an empath subconsciously, and despite there being a ‘how to’ for almost anything available, my personal feeling is that teaching someone to be empathic would be like trying to teach someone to become a psychic. We can read all we want about the subject and watch Youtube videos, and gain lots of insight from doing so, but one cannot simply just ‘become’ an empath or a psychic. Dr. Judith Orloff, Psychiatrist at Psychology.com explains how genetics and trauma can aid in playing a part in becoming an empath, in her article where she explains this a little further.
What’s it like being an empath? Well, let’s say you’re watching a depressing movie or reading a sad part of a book and your feelings are touched by what you’re reading and/or watching. You may be feeling anger, disgust, elation or any other emotion from that movie or book. The writer of the story has done a great job of painting a story and bringing the characters to life when they can evoke these emotions and the reader is drawn in and can almost feel what the character is experiencing. For an empath, we don’t require someone to narrate their feelings to us, we sense and feel the emotion. Sure, if someone shares something affecting that happened to them, I can immediately take in how they’re feeling as a result of that incident, often no words are required. It’s a vibe and energy someone gives off and that energy is transmitted into their personal space. An empath only has to look into someone’s eyes to pick up on emotion – unspoken emotions. There is definitely more than meets the eye, to quote an old cliché – ‘the eyes are the windows of the soul’, because they definitely are.
An empath is a receptor for the energy. Someone not as sensitive to these energies wouldn’t be an empath, and subsequently, wouldn’t even be able to take notice of someone around them with a hidden emotional issue unless they were informed. And sadly, it’s sometimes difficult for an empath to shield or shutdown so as not to absorb these energies. Shielding is a protective measure that is learned, it’s the virtual putting up of an invisible wall to repel the energies to keep them from penetrating into us. With that I’ll add that one doesn’t have to be an empath to learn how to shield themselves
Empaths are usually open targets for energy vampires (suckers) because we take in other people’s energies. Our compassion can sometimes exhaust us when we encounter too much needy energy at one time. Needy doesn’t necessarily always mean the vampire is intentionally reaching out to us, but, because we are susceptible to other people’s energies and feelings – means we can sense the needy energies. We receive the feelings through energy. This is the reason I refer to these types of people as vampires – because they suck out and overwhelm our own energies as we begin feeling their pain or sadness. . . Please continue reading atSally’s Smorgasbord
Sally Cronin has been running a wonderful series – I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now, at her Smorgasbord Blog Magazine. There have been some fantastic entries by several writers and bloggers that many of us here know. I urge you to check out a few
I am sure like me, there have been times when you have wondered what difference might have been made to your life, if your younger self had been gifted with the experience and knowledge you have accumulated over the years.
I invited several friends from the writing community to share their thoughts on this subject which I am sure you will enjoy as much as I did.
Today my friend and fellow collaborator here on Smorgasbord, D.G. Kaye (Debby Gies) shares her thoughts on the prompt.
I Wish I Knew Then by Debby Gies
Thank you, Sally for inviting me here today to share my thoughts on, I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now. This was an interesting question because of course, hindsight is always 20/20.
I’ve lived my life learning from life – life lessons. These are experiences in life that we could never imagine until we’ve lived through them, that’s why they’re called life lessons. This makes it somewhat like a trick question because if we didn’t experience something yet, we’d have never been able to learn from it, so hence, that’s my answer, it’s really not possible to know then what we know now, but wish, yes. We didn’t know any better or different then that nothing is stagnant, the world is always changing. We followed in the direction that life led us, we experienced and then we learned.
Don’t we all wish that in some of our most glorious times in our heydays, that we knew then that those days could quite possibly become some of the best years of our lives? Did we take those days for granted? Did we think that the good times would always continue to roll unknowing the times would change and quite possibly there may be leaner years? I know that I just took it for granted that the good things would remain and continue to get better. I wish I knew that our accumulated abundance in life was never anything to take for granted, that nothing is permanent, and that we should always keep alert and protective over everything we’d worked hard to attain.
But I suppose back then, as we live in the now and endure new struggles, we didn’t consider that those days of past would become the very days we often long for in the now as this world becomes more difficult to exist in.
I wish I knew, what feels like not so long ago, that I was living in my glory days without struggles of today – not much to worry about, giving not much concern to the coming years, which ultimately became leaner and less. Less tolerance, less love, less acceptance, less understanding, less brotherly love and that it could possibly become more difficult to live with the lesser of these things taken for granted back then as we under-estimated change in the world, thinking life would get even better with progress instead of going backwards.
I wish I knew then that my thinking that the harder we worked and saved for our retirement years would undoubtedly add fruit to our baskets if we saved and invested smart like the generation before us, was no guarantee and offered a false sense of security.
I wish I knew then as we thought we were prepared with our future plans and our false sense of security that the ‘powers that be’ would be making the rich get richer, and big corporations and greed would become as powerful as governments while diminishing the middle class’s ability to stay afloat ( let alone those who already lived back then, and still, in poverty levels) and could possibly threaten our financial futures, and that flying high in the gravy days by no means was any guarantee for tomorrow’s riches.
But as I watch the world change and devolve in so many ways, I can look back on the errors of my ways and I’ve learned to adjust my sails and go with the wind and not against it while keeping my eyes wide open, so I don’t have to say in the future again – I wish I knew then. But, no doubts, I may quite possibly be fooled again and have to repeat those same words – I Wish I Knew Then.
Realms of Relationships – Wrapping up the Year and Covid Lingering Effects
Welcome to my Realms of Relationships post finale for 2021. I hope you all have been enjoying my articles where I share some of own experiences about different types of relationships. Next year I’ll be back with my travel columns and later in the year I’ll be back with more relationship talk, and maybe even something new! Today I’m sharing this post here I originally wrote for my monthly column over at Sally Cronin’s Smorgasbord Blog Magazine.
In this edition, I want to talk about relationships that have been altered or have taken on new awakenings through the global pandemic we’ve all been living through for almost two years now.
Once all the lockdowns began, life as everyone knew it changed. Suddenly, moms and dads are working at home, trying to get their jobs done as they had to adapt to helping school their kids digitally – a feat in itself for the technically challenged.
How we’re affected by the ages:
Many couples forced to spend more time together during lockdown discovered they loved and missed going to work to get out of the house to avoid 24/7 with a partner, while some other relationships were strengthened in that time as many re-discovered, reconnected, and re-evaluated their relationships. Some friendships were strengthened, while some others were let go of as realizations and evaluations of our lives took place when we were restricted from seeing anyone. So many were affected from quarantine conditions from unemployment adding financial strains, dealing with sick and dying loved ones, disrupted homelife, home schooling and growing mental illnesses because of forced conditions having created havoc in so many people’s lives. Many statistics have been cited about the increase of divorce enquiries and proceedings. I also must make mention of the many stranded at home stuck in abusive relationships with no escape.
Young children are equally affected at differing crucial stages of their learning, as well as hampered social skills while not being able to play or interact in person with others. Many young children and toddlers missing crucial interacting at nursery schools and play dates spending two of their earliest years either missing social interaction – where they learn to socialize by playing and learning together with other children, while others too young to realize the way they are growing up in their earliest years at home isn’t situation normal.
Middle-grade and teenaged kids were desperately missing social interaction. As they craved their usual activities with friends at a time of exploration of the world at their curious ages, suddenly having their ‘regular’ lives ripped out from them stuck at home with family in their new constricted lives, have had to find ways to adapt. How many suicides do we even imagine have occurred because of the mental disruption of their lives?
The elderly have had to endure not only extra lonely times with aching hearts as their loved ones ached with the worry for them, but many of the elderly who rely on the help and visits from others were devastatingly left out in the cold. The long, lonely hours of being alone became so much more profound for both the sick and the agile – those that require daily visits for care, and those denied the ability for visitations from loved ones. Yes, digital apps helped to connect some and not others, became the backup for visual virtual visits, but there is no substitute for a real human visit where we can look into someone’s eyes and feel the love, a touch, a hug, and human physical compassion, and this missing of human interaction left a gaping hole in the hearts of too many.
The sick who couldn’t get proper medical attention and consequently dying before their time – like my husband, who died BECAUSE of the Covid epidemic halting regular doctor visits and no way to get into a hospital unless there was an evident and immediate emergency. Those that actually feared going to a hospital for serious ailments because they were afraid they’d catch the Covid inside the hospital. The undiagnosed cancers, deeming treatment too late – LIKE my husband. The strokes and heart attacks people died from because they refused to go to hospitals during Covid. The delayed testing for the so many with yet to have diagnosis that did and will ultimately end these people’s lives earlier than would have pre-pandemic. And the list goes on and on.
I know what I write of is merely touching on the tip of the icebergs as so many in the world have suffered losses – loss of lives, sickness, and financial draining. These devastations in all our lives in some way or another have become the rude awakenings for us, and worse for many more.
Realizations. This pandemic gave us all a time for reflection and reckoning, a look around, and insight as to who’s caring about us? I know I’ve certainly had startling revelations myself after losing my husband seven months ago and discovering that my own family (save for two) doesn’t have the time of day for me, as well as discovering that my husband’s family were just that – my husband’s family. This rude awakening for me just brought me back to Maya Angelou’s famous quote: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
What I’ve learned during this pandemic: Keep your circles small and tight. It’s all about the quality of the people in our lives, not the quantity. And friends are the family we choose.
If anyone here would like to share some of your own awakenings and discoveries you’ve had through these trying times, please feel free to share.
Let us all pray for a better year globally, the sick to heal, the virus to die, and peace, love, and brotherhood to return to mankind.
Below are links to just a few articles on how the pandemic has wreaked havoc on many relationships:
This month’s Realms of Relationships column is about going ‘No Contact’. Sometimes in life we’re faced with becoming stuck in unhealthy relationships and that can mean anything from enduring an abuser or narcissist, but it can also relate to any unhealthy relationship we allow with someone in our life who demeans us, belittles, demands of us, or shows no interest or compassion for us, yet remain a part of our lives.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – October 2021 – No Contact – The Breaking Point
No Contact – The Breaking Point
I write a lot here about difficult relationships, the challenges about them, the symptoms, and I share my experience and my resolutions about handling some of these conflicts. In this issue, I’m going to talk about the No Contact rule.
This method is usually a last resort to ending a relationship after several other remedies have been applied without success.
When we have struggled with people who hurt, ignore, or harm us, either mentally or physically, and there is no solution left for handling these people, other than continuing to put up with them or creating distance from them wherever we can, sometimes all we can do is go full-blown No Contact. Yes, you can read 100 books on psychology about these issues, but when we reach the last end of the rope where we can no longer endure a toxic relationship, this may become the only option we’re left with to seek peace.
So, what is no contact exactly?
No Contact means taking a firm stance to remove ourselves from another person’s life or situation. It can often be a difficult process, especially when feelings of guilt intervene, but this is sometimes necessary to bring back sanity and peace. And despite our decision to go through with the process, it can still be difficult. And sometimes, despite our decision to break free, we may still get swept back into that person’s drama. Friend or family, sometimes we just have to let go to save ourselves. No Contact means the relationship is over. This is a self-protective measure we should take when a relationship isn’t just not fulfilling us, but becomes bad for our mental health. It’s a measure that will often entail grieving the loss of that relationship despite our choosing to sever ties with that person.
So what is the process for No Contact?
First, we should set our internal boundaries. Once we decide to go No Contact, we must stop filling our minds with the situation and playing the hurt hits over and over in our heads. If we’re at this point in a relationship, it’s time to stop thinking about them, the hurt, the words, the guilt and the pain they’ve caused us, and think about ourselves. When we’ve exhausted every avenue of trying to discuss and fix, and they either don’t see the problem or aren’t interested in repairing anything, it may be time to banish them. Going No Contact is not only a physical action, but a mental one too.
Going No Contact means: no phoning, no texting, no engagement on social media or otherwise, no talking, no partaking in events around them. It means staying strong when confronted by those we’ve walked away from and remembering the many reasons why we chose to delete that person from our lives. The object is to remove our presence from their life.
Like any loss in life, we may well go through some of the grieving stages, similar to how we do when we lose a loved one. During this process, we may experience mixed emotions such as: I’m a bad person for doing this, I don’t want to make bad blood, I don’t want people to be angry at me. I know this ritual through my own experience. I lived it when I finally had to use it with my mother. And since my husband’s passing, I’ve realized a lot about the people who’ve been a part of my life with ‘new eyes’. One thing I know from experience is that a deep loss of a loved one will forever change you.
What can help when we’re weighing the scales about a certain relationship is to write out our feelings. Make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship in question. Look at the good parts and the painful parts. If the painful parts far outweigh the good and you’ve already given the relationship many chances with the same outcome, it may be time to consider this method.
Toxic people are manipulative people. They have an inherent knack for knowing how to overpower others. It’s important not to allow these people to define us by manipulating us into feeling obligation or guilt when we attempt to distance ourselves mentally and physically from that person. Going No Contact is often akin to abstaining from a harmful substance like drugs or booze. And just like going through any detox program, we will undoubtedly go through some withdrawal symptoms after removing a person from our lives. And yes, second thoughts, guilt, and remembering some of the better times, may all pop into our heads during the cleansing, but the idea is to remain strong in our resolution for a greater good. In essence, creating No Contact is self-love and for self- preservation. . . Please continue reading at Sally’s Smorgasbord
Welcome to my September edition of Realms of Relationships at Sally Cronin’s Smorgasbord Blog Magazine that I contribute to monthly. There are many kinds of relatioships, but often, we forget about the one with ourselves.
Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – September 2021 – The Relationship with Ourselves -Self-Care
Relationships with ourselves – Self-Care
Welcome to my Realms of Relationships column at Smorgasbord Blog Magazine. Today I want to talk about the most important relationship we can have, and that’s the one we have with ourselves. It’s often easy to overlook ourselves, especially when times are tense, fast, and frazzled with life’s daily grind. And if we have loved ones to care for on top of daily living, often, the last person being served is usually ourselves.
I’m a living testament of what self-neglect can leave behind as resulting damage. Often, we get so wrapped up in our lives and lose track of time – the time we let ourselves go. So yes, self-compassion and self-care are just as essential for us to live in good health – not just to survive.
Sometimes, some of the most nurturing people forget that taking care of others requires us to be in good health in order to care of someone else. But often in the middle of trauma, our focus often falls on the loved one we’re caring for – both young and old, without giving a second thought for our own well-being. I know this because I lived it.
Self- care encompasses the daily things we do for ourselves to keep our health in check – hygiene, eating properly, taking meds and required vitamins, and getting in exercise and enough sleep. Most importantly, any ailments we feel coming on should be dealt with as soon as possible once we notice things aren’t running as smoothly with our bodies, and not left to fester until such time we decide to stop pushing aside things a doctor needs to have a look at. And then there is emotional health.
If we are living through a stressful time, not just our physical health needs tending to, but, we need an outlet to relieve some of the mental angst that can sometimes translate to more physical ailments. Trust me, it’s not a myth, stress and worry have the ability to do great damage within us. Just like a health regimen followed daily creates cumulative benefits that add up daily, not following one will most certainly chip away at all the goodness we’ve already accrued through time as we continue to neglect ourselves.
Taking care of ourselves is vital for us to function optimally, but especially when someone else is relying on us to take care of them. When chaos or trauma strike, it shouldn’t mean that we abandon what’s important for us to remain in good health, but so often we’ll sacrifice what’s good for us and put others before us. Here’s what we need to know about taking care of ourselves:
Make sure to get enough sleep – not getting enough sleep can initiate other health problems.
Make mealtime a routine at least twice a day if you can’t manage three squares. If you eat a good breakfast it can sustain you through the day in case you do happen to miss out on lunch. But even more important to eat a healthy dinner, especially if we’re missing that lunch.
Don’t stop taking important vitamins and supplements, especially if you’re deficient in them. Not eating properly during stressful times, then not taking supplementation, doubles the drain on our bodies leaving us without efficient fuel or nutrients.
Take a timeout and go for a walk, read a chapter, listen to music – whatever you enjoy for a mental health break from high stressed life. If you’re caring for someone 24/7, arrange for someone to come by and give you a break for some down time and time to get household essentials looked after, and maybe even to eke out some personal time.
How I can attest to this advice? Because I became one of those self-neglecters.
During my husband’s illness when I was caring for him 24/7, the last thing on my mind was about what I needed. While my world was spiraling out of sense, I didn’t care about eating properly, sometimes not eating at all. I had no appetite. I’d sneak in a shower when my husband would sleep, or if one of his personal support workers were bathing him.
I was full of preliminary grief and anxiety, and I wasn’t hungry. . . Please continue reading at Sally’s Smorgasbord to learn the repercussions after we forget to take care of ourselves.