Guilt

 

angel sleep

“Words may lay heavy; but guilt is the heavier burden” – D.G. Kaye

 

I have just learned that my mother is on her way to the next world. I pray it’s a better place for her. I always knew my day of reckoning would come, but never anticipated the roller coaster of emotions that would come with it.

I thought by writing my book Conflicted Hearts, that it would help me digest my life with my mother, yet I am now confronting emotions that I was sure I had put into a perspective where I knew how to handle the situation when finality was approaching. I don’t.

In these moments I’m juggling and am somehow petrified. There is a lot to this process of unsettled death. A daunting process of putting my emotions in a place where they can live comfortably.

 

 

I Wish

I wish we could have been friends.

I wish you could have been my mother.

I wish you weren’t so bitter and could have found your way out of your sorrow and depression, instead of hiding in a damaged ego, surrounding yourself from yourself and everyone else.

I wish you would have allowed yourself to be loved.

I wish I could have known what drove you to your sadness.

I wish all my years of trying to make you see happiness would have succeeded.

I wish you didn’t have to suffer.

I wish you peace.

Addendum: I wrote this post yesterday October 28th. Today is October 29th. My mother has passed. Please excuse my absence for the next few days while I will be out of my home, sitting “Shiva” at my brother’s house until next Monday as is the custom in my religion.

mother's obituaryMay you find peace in your soul mother. God rest your soul.