Vision perception - Memoirs

Writing Your Life – #Epistolary Writing, Forever Love

Published on by dgkaye

Another month or so from now I plan on going back to working on my next book, a monumental task that I feel compelled to write about. I began writing this book about a year before my husband passed. I didn’t know then I was writing a book, but it turns out I was.

I began writing a conversational documentary on moments and conversations that would come up sporadically between me and my husband. I found some haunting, some humorous, but also, some that left me questioning. I kept adding to the conversations and thoughts almost nightly – late at nightly. I didn’t know why I felt compelled to write my questions and feelings about random things between us, I just did. I also didn’t know my husband was dying when I began writing these observations. Almost like a diary of poignant moments and thoughts. By the time my husband’s death was impending, I knew my reason for beginning these writings. I needed to talk about him, to him. I wanted to keep track of our poignant discussions. I needed to share his wit and wisdom. I needed to shine a light on a magnificent man and moments with him so that others could know him too. And most of all, although this is my life, this book will definitely be food for thought for those who will read it. My husband was funny, loving and wise – but mostly, remarkable.

The book I want to write is in a very rough draft of disarray of almost 100,000 words in dire need of revising. I honestly haven’t even began to look at the writing, I merely keep adding to the doc whenever an important memory pops up. I began with three different Word documents with these working titles – Observations and Conversations, Obituary, and Poetry. Not even looking at the pages yet as just thinking about, it gives me shivers to reread. I will have to print out the many pages and lay them on the floor as a mosaic, piecing things in order, to begin the rewriting, adding, substracting, and editing. I have many a working title listed, and hoping this will be my best book, and undeniably, the most difficult to write (with P.S. I Forgive You as a distant second as a heart-wrenching book to write) as I reread and rewrite, many times over. I also plan to write the book in epistolary writing style. See my featured article as guest writer at Wendy Van Camp’s blog, No Wasted Ink, on epistolary writing.

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Writing Our LIfe

When I began writing books, my husband was so proud of me. He used to ask me if I would write a book about him. I asked, what exactly would he like me to write about? I also told him I’m not a ghostwriter, I’m a memoir writer. We laughed. Well, I suppose the joke is on me because it appears that I am now that ghostwriter in the literal sense – writing about the life between me and my beautiful husband, now a ghostly spirit as I remain the one who holds the love for both of us – on this planet.

Below is an example of how I’d like to convey my stories in epistolary style. Using my husband’s asking me if I’d write a book about him as a sample of how I’d write it below:

You asked, “Cubby, will you write a book about me?” I chuckled and asked you, as my eyes caught that sweet boyish grin of yours, what exactly is it you want me to write about? As though there weren’t a thousand and one things I could write about you. You laughed and said you had lots of good and funny stories to share. And certainly you did. But I backed off, telling you I wasn’t a ghostwriter, and memoirs are personal stories belonging to the writer. Remember? I’m a memoir writer. But the universe gets the last laugh on that one. In my life, I never thought I’d ever be writing about grief stories. And especially -that all those stories would be featuring YOU.

Me, the person who would or could not ever for one moment, allow myself to even entertain the thought that I could possibly one day be left, living without you. I’d never let my brain entertain one second of a thought of a life without you, especially with my strong believe in manifestation about – you get what you focus on. And being without you was just something I would never let cross my mind. But here I am, writing about you, sharing both my joy and grief, and questions. So many questions.

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Below, you will find more in this article from Writer Mag on what epistolary writing is:

https://www.writermag.com/improve-your-writing/fiction/epistolary-novels/

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©DGKaye2023

79 thoughts on “Writing Your Life – #Epistolary Writing, Forever Love”

  1. What an incredible act of love. A tribute like that is a beautiful way to honor your marriage and your husband. I’m looking forward to hearing more about it, Debby. ❤

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  2. You have quite a task ahead, Debby, and I am sure that, as you say, it will be the most difficult book for you to write yet, but I am sure many people will appreciate it. And if anybody can do it, that is you. Best of luck and keep going, Debby. ♥

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    1. Thank you so much Cindy for your always kind words. I can only hope if this snippet of thought and just touching the surface has moved you, perhaps the book will too ❤

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  9. One thing I know about you, Debby, is your amazing skills as a writer. These words need to be shared and framed now looking back at the limited number of days you had with your sweet hubby. Yes it will be extraordinarily difficult but the healing of your words, read by countless people will be a balm to those who have lost loved ones in our post-pandemic world. I will be looking forward to this.

    PS, while you capture life moments in words, I capture them in pictures. It’s time I organize some of mine as well, for the future. Xoxo ❤️

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    1. Thank you so much for your vote of confidence in me Terri. I do hope it will help others, as well as myself. And yes, many of your photos don’t require words. ❤ xxx

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  10. I can imagine what an undertaking your book will be, Debby, both emotionally and technically as you sort through all you’ve accumulated. I like the idea of using an epistolary style. I’m certain you’re up to that task. Take your time and do it in peace and gratefulness. Hugs.

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  12. I have a feeling this will be your best work and your husband will be smiling down on it, although not an easy one to write either. I look forward to this one. Sending hugs

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  13. You have harbored and collected so many potent moments and I know this will be an emotional task to edit and organize. You are a fabulous writer and this work is longing to be put in the world. I believe, like you, it will be one of your most important publications. You can do this. Listen to your intuition, it’s all there, sending love and hugs to you, C

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    1. Thank you so much Cheryl for the encouragement. No doubts once I sink my heels in to this project I will remember these words. Thanks for the vote of confidence ❤ xx

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  15. I’ll be a customer again when this comes to fruition, Debby. Many writing books advise doing what you’re doing—get it all down on paper (or a computer screen) and worry about how it all can go together later on before you begin trimming the fat.

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    1. Thank you kindly Pete for your interest in reading. And interesting enough, that’s instinctively the way I work, just write and then work with it like a puzzle, print out and make chapter piles of related information then begin rewrites. And of course, working on how I will deliver the story. 🙂

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  16. This will indeed be a difficult book to edit, but you’ve already done so much that it’s entirely doable. Wishing you all the best in this next step of your journey. What an amazing tribute it will be to your husband and your time together.

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  18. Hi Debby – I feel this will be a life-affirming need and give you much to remember – happy times mainly … positive outcomes – despite the sadness. Enjoy – touched with tears too, no doubt … like your other commenters I offer lots of encouragement – cheers Hilary

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  19. I have never contemplated writing in such a style and from all the above accounts it is a very challenging method, but one you have researched and are aware of its difficulties. Only you know what you are capable of and by the little I know of you I would say you are a strong-willed, very capable person. If this is something you think your late husband would welcome you doing then you go right ahead and do it. The very best of luck to you in your coming adventure. Have fun!

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    1. Hi Danny. Thanks for dropping by and leaving your good cheer. Yes, besides the content, the method is also challenging, but I love a good challenge. And since I’m not on a deadline (other than self-imposed), if it goes awry I’ll just have to go back to the drawing board and first person. ❤

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  20. You are a brave soul, doing work that you feel compelled to do. I like the idea of using letters, the epistolary form.

    Author/writing coach Jerry Waxler remarks, “Your effort to turn your memories into a coherent whole is both a literary endeavor (you’re writing a book) and a psychological one (you’re reconstructing and repairing part of your own psyche).”
    I guess you’ll prove his assertion right or wrong as you progress.

    I know you can do this, Debby! 😀

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  21. Good luck with it all, Debby. When my mum died I did exactly the same thing as you… I wrote down conversations I’d had with her and published ‘Waiting in the Wings’. My latest WIP is epistolary in nature, so once again we are in sync! x

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      2. Yes you did! I remember reading the first few pages and asking when you’d publish it. Late summer? So I put it aside for awhile and reading others in queue. But I plan on starting over and looking forward to it! ❤

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  23. Debby, I’m thinking of you rewriting the drafts, and it will certainly will be difficult but, wow, you will honor your husband with this one. And as you say, you will be writing a book about him, which he had asked you before to do. Your strength is amazing, Debby. I look forward to finding out more about your beloved, your conversations, and your thought-provoking ideas. Love you.

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    1. Christy, you are such a sweety. I thank you for your loving words. Yes, this will be my biggest project yet. I have to psyche myself up to diving in, but will be so worth it. Love and hugs ❤ xx

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  25. Writing about a life well lived while being battered by waves of grief is excruciating. The up side is a completed journal of warm remembrances. Like you, Deb, I’m in that awful in-between stage, wading through neck-high water and feeling as if I might go under at any moment. I’ve no doubt you’ll get there, sister. You’re one helluva strong determined woman ❤️

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    1. Tina, my dear friend, thank you for your words of encouragement. We have both traversed the journey of darkness, and we are both warrior women. This will be an excruciating journey of book for me, but the only thing that keeps up my determination to write it is my husband’s spirit cheering me on. Love and hugs ❤ xxx

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  27. Hi Debby, I know how hard a book like this is to write. I have been trying for over six years to write about my experiences with Greg and Michael. I end up getting to certain points and stopping because I just can’t take the revisitations to those memories. I have written 8,500 thousand words for an anthology about things that make us grow. Michael has been in hospital this week and will be discharged today. Still no diagnosis.

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    1. HI Robbie. Thanks for visiting and leaving your thoughts. You hit the nail on the head. It’s difficult enough to live with overwhelming emotions, let alone, reading it over and over, can be so triggering. I know this from writing P.S. I Forgive You about my mother after she died. I could only work at it in doses with having to walk away for a day or days to distance from the painful memories. It’s a tough write for sure.
      I’m so sorry to hear your Michael has been back in hospital Robbie. I know how hard it is to wait and wait and hope for diagnosis. I’m keeping your son in my prayers. ❤ xx

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  28. I think this will be an important book, Debby, not just for you, but for your readers too. I enjoyed the style of the excerpt you included and think this will work really well. I look forward to reading it. What a task lies ahead though. I love the photos of you both. What a gorgeous couple.

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