Journal notebook

Writing as Therapy – Taking the Pain out of our Heads and on to Paper

Published on by dgkaye

Did you know that writing can be so very therapeutic? It’s not a myth. Take it from me who began writing at seven years old. Growing up in a dysfunctional family life with a heart filled with compassion and worry, I took to writing poems, notes, and journaling. I didn’t always show them to anyone, but I took my pain out of my head and put it on paper. It was a release.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother who mashed my father over and over until he finally died of a broken heart (underlying health issues exacerbated by his grief), my young empathic heart could feel his pain. He came to me since I was seven and poured his heart out to this broken little girl who was powerless to help him, but I was all he had to pour his heart out too. That was a huge responsibility for a little girl – a daughter to witness her father’s ongoing grief and not be able to do anything about it except summon up the bravery to approach my mother to beg her to take my father back, yet again. I received no compassion from my mother in doing so, only a slap across my face as she reminded me to mind my own business. It was my business! But my voice and hands were tied. This is about the time I learned to write out my feelings. I needed to be heard and release, if only to the universe.

Know that whatever you write is to release and doesn’t always have to be given to the person our words are directed at. It’s to get those jumbled thoughts and worries out of our heads and on to paper. Perhaps there will come a day you may want to give it to the person the words are directed to, maybe you might just burn it and vanish the thoughts away into the universe. Or just maybe, like me, you’ll journal enough through your life and end up writing books about all the things you once could never say out loud.  Either way, it’s cathartic. My small beginnings of writing on scraps of paper, eventually, made me a memoir writer. Whodathunk?

Speaking about grief, my latest podcast is live now. In this third episode, I’m talking about how when we lose a spouse, our identities change – along with everything else. I hope you will visit me on Youtube.

©DGKaye2022

78 thoughts on “Writing as Therapy – Taking the Pain out of our Heads and on to Paper”

  2. Insightful and tender, Debby. Thank you for sharing as you have. Writing releases the soul as few activities can. It offers each of us a means to grow into the Light, one word at a time. ❤️

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  3. These podcasts really hit home with me, Debby. It is very hard to go from two down to one on every level. Driving was never an issue for me as I did most of it for us, but buying and preparing food became a huge issue, and often I’d settle for not eating. I hated going to the one grocery store in our small town where everyone knows everyone. Their looks of pity, their condolences, and most of all their curiosity made me cringe. I hope during this series, you will touch on the condolences part of grief. People mean well, but sometimes it triggers an even deeper hurt when all you want to do is try to move on. Anyway, thank you for stepping out and creating these!

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    1. Jan, thank you so much for listening and offering your feed back, especially that you have walked this walk. I don’t really live in a small community, but as I put my stuff on the conveyor belt, it always triggers me that my groceries are meager and not bountiful as they once were, and I always think about how I’m a dead giveaway I’m alone to others in line with my solo looking groceries. And yes, I touch on the condolences business in some of my writing, but it does deserve a conversation of its own, and I will surely be talking about it. Thank you so much. ❤

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  4. Great post, Debby. I used to recommend it to my patients, although not many seemed inclined to try, but those who did, saw the benefits of it. One never knows where our reflections might take us and what they might turn into. And congratulations on your podcast. Thanks, Debby and all the best.

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    1. Thanks so much Olga. You can only lead a horse to water right? Almost every therapy will suggest keeping a journal. There has to be something to it right? Hugs xx

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  7. I read your book, but those words hurt again as you were placed in an impossible position. I guess it touches a nerve with me too, but mine were different circumstances. Anyway, I am curious whether you kept your journals from this age so you could remember details or maybe evoke the emotions you use in your books?

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    1. Thank you Melanie. I couldn’t find anything I wrote as a young girl, but in my twenties when I began writing serious notes. yes. I had kept those. Also, some thing never go away, they are always tucked in the memory bank. ❤

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  8. I couldn’t agree more with how therapeutic writing can be. I find journaling (without any sort of censorship to be incredibly cathartic and I let go of lots of heavy stuff that way. I still use writing and stories to get stuff off my chest. 😀 Congrats on the latest podcast too! ❤ ❤ Hugs.

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  11. Your podcasts dear Debby are just getting better and better.. Your description of life going from Two to One, breaks the heart..
    My thoughts are with you Debby as you write and speak out your grief.. We both know those childhood heart-breaks but losing the love of your life is a whole different chapter..
    I salute you in your coping, and I concur that writing is very therapeutic as we release out pain..

    Much love dear Debby… ❤

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    1. Hi Sue. Thanks so much for reading and listening. I am humbled for your encouragement. My heart feels broken daily, and certainly writing through the pain is half of what gets me through. I know others in my shoes can relate too, so I hope eventually these podcasts reach more ears. Thank you again for your love and friendship. ❤ ❤

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  13. Beautiful podcast Debby, you have a wonderful voice, and a gentle way of explaining how extreme the loss of a spouse can be. The issues that suddenly have to be dealt with when you are confronting life alone especially in a world designed for couples. It helps me understand what my sweet sister has been dealing with for the last three years. I too have written out my feelings in journals since I was young. I was simply compelled to write but I realize now how much it helped me process my feelings, to understand myself better, and to heal my wounds. You are so brave and generous to share your experience of grief with the world. I know it is helping people like my sister to know they are not alone in these powerful feelings. Wrapping you in love and hugs, C

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    1. HI Cheryl. Thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to listen to my podcast. You said something I was hoping to message – that even though you are blessed with your beautiful marriage, my words gave you more insight as to what your sister is going through. My podcast isn’t only for the bereaved, but for loved ones to help understand what we endure. I know you are a journaler, and doing so absolutely helps process what’s caught running through our heads. May you stay blessed my friend. Hugs xox

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  14. Journaling has saved me. After I write my honest, darkest thoughts, and worries I can let them go (usually). The best part? I don’t feel the need to think all day about an issue, or to burden someone with my worries. I put them in their place.
    It’s so amazing that you wrote your memoir after journaling. I also had based some of my first book on my journaling during divorce. There’s some raw stuff there.
    Congratulations on your podcast, Deb! Good for you!

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    1. Hi Lis. Not surprising, but amazing how many of us writers have used writing for years to help process our inner turmoils. It’s part of who we are. And thanks for the kudos my friend. Hugs xox

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  15. Another excellent podcast. I think the emphasis on human interaction is of of the best points. The importance of human interaction can’t be reinforced enough, especially for those who have recently lost someone. Going to the gym, joining a club, and getting out of the house are crucial steps in the process.

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  16. I also agree that writing is therapeutic, Debby. I’ve been writing poems and journaling since elementary school age, but like you said not always sharing, just transferring my thoughts from mind to page. The sharing began later in life. Wonderful and valuable podcast, too. ❤️

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  18. Dearest UB, your voice is so soothing and your words are full of love and compassion. It takes courage to speak as you do and I so admire you for doing so. Your wisdom and experience will not only touch the bereaved, but also those hoping to support those who are grieving. ❤ Writing is so important, even if it is not shared. I have been writing since I was little. I love you. ❤ xXx ❤

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  19. I agree, writing is a way to take it out of our heads, and onto paper.
    Seems we both had traumatic childhoods, from different experiences.
    You turned to writing. I turned to drugs, but other creative outlets saved me.

    Anyway, I came to listen to your podcast, and found it via your sidebar. Then I found it here.
    It really is a GREAT podcast. You are hitting the grief points one by one.
    I am finding a wonderful space every time I listen.
    Please keep the podcasts going! I shared on Twitter.
    You are giving me comfort as life moves on.
    Resa xoxoxo

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    1. Resa, thank you again so much for your great encouragement. I am elated. I’m so glad you think these podcasts are beneficial. And I am sorry for your own crap you dealt with. Looks like we both learned to overcome the shit we grew up with – many are damaged for life. Here’s to us empowering women. Many hugs to you. ❤ xxxx

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      1. Yeah!!! Crap is meant to be flushed down the toilet!
        Here’s to us, empowerment and women! And some great men.
        I really feel comfy in your podcast space!
        Thank you, Debby! {{{HUGS}}} xoxo

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  20. Hi . Firstly visiting you via Robbie tweet of this post.

    Journaling is an utter life saver.

    Your podcast – omg. Fabulous. It so helpful , Profound and you share it all so well. It can many In your situation, or in similar situations. I find it quite relatable.

    Love your calming voice.

    I am glad I popped over to your site

    All the best with this thing called life.
    Hugs
    Bella

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    1. Hi Bella. Thank you so much for both hopping over and leaving your encouragement for me, and for listening! Comments like yours make me feel these podcasts are worthwhile continuing on with them so thank you again. ❤

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  22. I’m like you, Debby, writing about what’s going on in my life, my feelings, my struggles. Ever since I was in fourth grade. Those struggles are nowhere near what you describe here, but mostly about the challenges we face and the experiences we have as nomads.

    All that being said, right now, I’m so exhausted and so fed up and so at the end of my wits that I can’t even write about the issues we’ve been facing these weeks. I’m actually in a place where I want to do the opposite: never write again and never share what’s going on, because it would be all complaints and nobody understands. Can you believe I even thought about quitting my blog too. And social media. Yeah… I’m at the end of my wits.

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    1. Dear Liesbet. I can only imagine your turmoil in this upside world and trying to make a life traveling to a new continent. Trust me when I say you are not alone. The world is spinning on its axis right now sending many into tailspsins of worries and situations. I suggest if you need a timeout from you blog to take it, but don’t end blogging. As for writing, you may not feel like writing, but just take a minute to write down what’s in your head in a notebook. When the calm returns you will have at least your notes to look back on and work with when your brain is up to it. Wishing you some calm. ❤ xx

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      1. Thank you for your kind words and understanding, Debby. It’s appreciated. I have been writing in my diary, as always. So much is going on (and going wrong), that my daily entries are easily one hour, without the proofreading part. This period might make a soap opera chapter some day, but it probably contains too much complaining!

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      2. Complaining is necessary sometimes, fancier term – venting. And that is exactly what writing is good for. One day when the waters settle you will look back at your writings and be able to rewrite it calmer when your life gets calmer. ❤

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  23. Oh yes, writing is absolutely therapeutic! My family was also dysfunctional, and I took pen to paper at an early age, too. Your memoirs are beautifully written and your podcasts will resonate with others who are grieving. Congratulations on all of your success!

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    1. Thanks so much Deb. And it’s astounding to learn how many of us used writing as youngsters to get through the craziness. We are some community! Thank you again for your lovely kudos. ❤

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  24. I agree with you about the importance of writing, and of not always sharing. I came across a letter recently that I wrote to my husband (but never gave to him) when we were going through a rough patch. I cried when I read it as much as I had when I wrote it. I’d obviously poured my heart into it. I’m pleased that it found me again before it found anyone else and I was able to destroy it, never to be read again. Love heals.

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  25. I love this blog topic, Debby.

    Writing is therapeutic! In my counseling years, I have enjoyed teaching and leading expressive art groups. I especially enjoyed working with seniors who wrote about their childhoods. I am happy you discovered creativity as a child. Thank you for sharing your story, my heart goes out to you.

    I utilized creativity when I was a child but wasn’t recognized for my skills and dropped it, until I was older. I can relate to being a child who had to parent a parent because the other parent was narcissistic.( I think you can follow that.. LOL) To be serious, it is a huge burden and responsibility for a child to carry.

    Many Blessings
    Lisa xoxo

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  27. My heart breaks for your Father and for you, Debby. I’m glad you found therapy in writing. I can vouch for it’s effectiveness from personal experience, too. Thanks for opening up and sharing this.

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